“I don’t think he remembers that today. Besides, your orientation is none of his business, nor is mine.” James smiled a little. “But the thing is, I was never sure what you wanted in return for what you did for me. For being there. For letting me trust you. For trying to give me what I needed, even when I was too ashamed to admit to it.”
“Why would you be ashamed?”
“The job, Cal. At work, I’m the one who’s in control. It’s hard enough admitting these feelings to yourself, but to others? Others I cannot control or buy off? I didn’t admit it to you at first because of exactly that. With you, it was never a business transaction I controlled. Which could have doomed it all to failure. My . . . wife knew I was holding something back from her. One of the reasons why she left, in the end. I kept too many secrets, kept too much of myself away. I . . . think it’s only right that she moved on. She deserves better than half a man.”
Cal winced and grasped James’s hands. “Sit down.”
“You going to listen?”
“Yeah. I’m listening.” I’m here. You can trust me.
Fuck, back to square one.
“And then I realised I was attracted to you, but I’m your employer, and maybe I shouldn’t have been, though I can’t regret this now. Once I’d figured out you were gay, and you might be interested in me too . . . Oh damn, Cal, that wasn’t easy. But you were always patient. Always kind. A solid presence in my life. Sometimes I thought you were the only human being out there who wasn’t trying to beat me at something, or take advantage. Or gloat over a mistake. You were there for me, as a person.”
“I didn’t think you’d noticed.”
James smiled. “You don’t get to my place in the hierarchy by being completely blind.”
Cal felt some of the tension bleed away. He believed what James was saying, could feel it in the slightly damp grip of his hand. “I thought you didn’t care.”
“I did, but I needed time to come round to it. I didn’t want to rush it, didn’t want to take advantage, and I absolutely couldn’t share with you what I needed. Maybe I didn’t want to sully you with it. Maybe I didn’t expect you to accept it. I was playing it too safe, and almost ruined it, but you broke through my defences. And then I realised I don’t need them. They were crutches. Suddenly my carefully constructed way of balancing my needs and wants and my life all came tumbling down. It was too much to take in, and I do my best thinking on my own. I was scared. That’s why I sent you away.” He exhaled, his shoulders sinking a little. “And I’m sorry for that. All of it.”
Cal stared at him for a moment, trying to process everything he’d said. “What do . . . what do we do? I mean, how much do you want out of this?”
“I’m not sure. I’m honestly afraid of asking too much.”
Cal stroked the back of James’s hand. “Try me.”
James moistened his lips. “I just want you. Whatever comes with you. If you’re not comfortable topping me like that, then I won’t ask you to. If you don’t want a relationship, I won’t ask for one. But I . . .” He lowered his gaze, watching their hands.
Cal touched James’s chin and lifted it, forcing James to look him in the eyes like Nick had done to him. “You what?”
James gulped. “I don’t want to ask for more than you’re willing to give. But, Cal . . .” He reached up and touched Cal’s face, his palm warm, unsteady, and slightly damp. “I love you, and I don’t want you to go.”
Cal’s heart nearly stopped. He found just enough air to whisper, “You do?”
James nodded.
Cal slid his hand from James’s chin to the side of his neck, drew him closer, and kissed him. He didn’t even care about the particulars, about how they’d ultimately define this relationship. James had said what he’d wanted to hear more than anything else.
I don’t want you to go.
Cal touched his forehead to James’s. “I’ll stay.”
The relief in James was palpable. The rush of breath. The way his entire body relaxed all at once. “Thank you.” He kissed Cal lightly, cautiously, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to, and Cal pulled him closer.
Again it was Cal who broke the kiss, but he kept his hand on James’s neck as he drew back. “This could get a little complicated. With me working for you.”
“I don’t care.” James took Cal’s hand and kissed his palm. “I really, really don’t care.” He met Cal’s eyes again. “We’ll do whatever we have to. If you don’t want to drive for me anymore, if you don’t want to stay in the cottage . . .” He gestured dismissively with his other hand. “Whatever we have to do. But I want to make this work. Ever since you told me you were leaving, that’s all I’ve been able to think about. That I needed to make things right with you. That I want to make this work.”
Cal kissed his forehead, and paused there for a moment just to savour the tender touch. “We’ll make it work.”