James leaned into him, softer, more affectionate than he normally was. Cal liked him that way. Liked him a great deal that way. With all of James’s defences blown apart, he seemed like his best self right now. “Come, let’s go.”
They climbed the stairs up to the ground floor and then further up to the bedroom. When James walked straight to the bed, Cal chuckled. “You can get more comfortable if you want.”
James nodded. He pulled his tie open and fiddled the cufflinks out, then placed both on the wardrobe and kicked off his shoes.
Cal shed his own shoes, too. When James lay down on the bed, Cal brought one of the bottles of water over, handed it to him, and then joined him on the bed. He could have slept—his body was tired and sated enough—but his mind was still chewing on questions.
How could he make everything else feel as natural as the domination and submission? They weren’t anywhere near boyfriends—this didn’t feel like a relationship at all, and from the outside, it probably looked incredibly strange. He was still getting paid by the man he fucked. That would never stop feeling weird.
James took a few mouthfuls of water, then offered Cal the bottle. If he’d still been in submissive mode, he’d have offered Cal the bottle first. Did that mean something? Was that the line they kept crossing back and forth?
Cal took it. “If you want to talk . . .”
James shrugged and lay down. “Talk about which part?”
Everything. Maybe even feelings.
Cal took a mouthful of water. “First of all, thank you for your trust. It means a lot to me.”
James regarded him silently for a moment. “I just do, Cal. What I said—that was true. I do trust you. Never more than when you push me. I know you won’t make me fall.”
Oh, so he was still open. The walls weren’t back up. Maybe he shouldn’t take advantage of that. Maybe he should wait and then ram his head against the walls that had been put back in place. Or maybe not.
“I’ll never hurt you.”
“I know.”
Cal swallowed some more water, then put the bottle aside.
“Was there something else?” James asked.
Cal hesitated. “I . . . I don’t know if it needs to be addressed right now.”
“It’s bothering you, though.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“I know you.”
Do you?
Cal picked up the water bottle again and played with the cap, turning it back and forth just to occupy his hands. “Earlier, you said you trust me, and that’s why you don’t fight me as hard as you fight Nick.”
James shifted, sitting up a little and resting his head against the headboard. “Right.”
“So does that mean things are different between us?” He met James’s eyes. “That even though we’re doing the same thing you’ve done with Nick and the other rentboys, it’s . . . different?”
James broke eye contact and watched his fingers playing at the edge of the duvet. “I don’t know if it should be different.”
“Why shouldn’t it be?”
James shook his head. “I don’t . . . I don’t even know. What we were doing down there, yes, I want it. And I guess in some way, I need it. But I don’t know if I should be getting it from you.”
Ouch, James. He’d been in subspace just minutes ago, and now he was back to, well, James. Strictly business.
“You think it’s better to get it from someone you’ve hired?”
“I’m not even sure I’d word it like that.” James looked at Cal through his lashes. “But the rentboys, it’s just a financial transaction. I get that. I can let myself get lost in it for a night, and when it’s over, they’re paid and they’re gone and that’s that. There’s no shame.”
Cal wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “I’m not asking for a commitment if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“No, it’s not that.” James paused, brow furrowing. “I mean, I suppose it is on some level. But, to be honest, all I know about this is what I need, and how to handle it as a transaction. The only . . .” He lowered his gaze for a moment, but then, with what looked like some effort, met Cal’s eyes again. “The only thing I know how to give in return is money.”
“And your submission.”
“Yes. That. But what about when the scene’s over? What happens next?”
Cal reached for James’s hand. “Whatever we want to happen.”
“That’s the part I don’t know how to approach. The way it’s worked with Nick and the others is once it’s over, they’re gone. I’m not . . .” He paused, setting his jaw. Then he met Cal’s eyes again. “I don’t know where the lines are now.”
Cal glanced down at their hands. James hadn’t resisted his grasp, but he hadn’t returned it either. As the pieces fell together, Cal’s heart sank again.
“Do you, uh, do you want me to go?”
James exhaled. “I don’t know what I want right now, Callum.”
Cal slowly withdrew his hand, and James made no effort to stop him. He stood and cleared his throat. “Will there be anything else this evening, sir?”
They both flinched at the title, and for the first time, Cal regretted using it the way he had downstairs.
“No. Thank you.”
Cal didn’t respond. He just turned on his heel, left the bedroom, and closed the door behind him.