Lee and Ney disappear into the darkest part of the back of the cave, and Ehm helps an aging Peh over to where Beh and I stand. Peh’s smile is reserved. He still grieves for Met, his mate who died in the winter, but he shows life in his eyes again. Watching him try to continue without Met makes me think it will not be long before he also lies down and doesn’t get up again.
I know if Beh dies before I do, I will not survive. At the same time, I hope that her eyes close forever before mine. Though I would join her directly afterwards, I know when I look at her what kind of pain she would feel if something were to happen to me. I do not want her to feel that pain—the pain of losing her mate.
As hard as it would be, I would rather feel it for her.
Jeh embraces me roughly, then lifts Beh into the air and spins her around. I reach out to steady Peh, who rolls his eyes at his son but still chuckles a little. Feh marches over and smacks Jeh’s arm until he puts Beh back down again, red faced and laughing.
I shift Fil, our youngest son, to my other arm. He’s really far too big to still be carrying, but I have allowed him to play the baby far beyond what I should. He is our last though. I knew we wouldn’t have any more soon after he was born…
Beh had fitted Fil in the sling she wore around her shoulders so he could nurse while we walked. Lee and Lah had decided to stay behind and hunt, but Kay was with us—running back and forth on the small trail that led from the tribe’s cave to the little cave we had lived in before.
It had been late spring, and Fil had been born the previous fall. We had not been to the little cave all winter, and Beh seemed anxious to get there. Once we arrived, I built us a fire—in case she wanted to stay the night—and had Kay help me air out the furs that were still there.
Beh had gone to the funny black container and pulled something out. It was not something I had seen before—a long tube with a bit of red at one end and black stripes down the side. Beh took it out and held it in her hands for a while, and once I had Kay settled on the furs for a bit, I went over to find Beh with tears in her eyes.
I knelt before her and took her face in my hands, not understanding, but knowing she still needed me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to my chest, encompassing her and Fil together. She put the thing aside and wrapped her arms around my head, holding me tightly for a short while before pushing me away a little to pick up the long object again.
Then, Beh had taken a deep breath and looked into my eyes. I didn’t understand what she was trying to communicate other than…regret. Sadness. Decisiveness.
She took the object and held it against her arm. One more deep breath and she pushed part of it with her thumb. She winced, and I grabbed the thing away from her. There was blood on her arm—just a little bit, but I threw the thing out of the mouth of the cave while I fussed over her arm for a while.
We went back to the tribal cave soon after, and that night Beh began to bleed. She bled for days—many more than she normally did—even more than after she had given birth. Her stomach cramped painfully, and she had me make her hot water, boiled and mixed with leaves from a plant she found, which seemed to help. I had been terrified, but eventually the bleeding slowed and stopped, and Beh was no longer in pain.
I had known then that we would have no more children, and I spoil Fil because of it. I keep him with me almost all the time, afraid to miss a single second of his life. It has been easy since he is silent like me and doesn’t make all the strange noises his mother and other siblings like to make. His eyes are the same color as his mother’s, large and expressive. He is perfectly capable of walking back to our area of the cave, but I carry him anyway.
Beh just grins and moves her head back and forth. She still makes sounds at Fil, and he will watch her mouth move and has repeated a few of her sounds. When he does, Beh is ecstatic, and Fil is just confused. I hold him close to me and touch his cheek with my nose.
I’m familiar with his frustration at his mother’s constant sounds.
We lie in our furs, Beh still teary-eyed and Lah sitting on the furs and staring at her hands. Sometimes she looks over toward the section of the cave that will be for Lee and Nay and sighs. Kay moves close to Lah and makes sounds, and Lah responds. Beh’s noises come out sharp and biting, and both girls quiet and lie down.
I lay in the center, with Beh and Fil on one side and Lah and Kay on the other. If I lay on my back, I can reach them all. Lah lies the farthest away now—like Lee had before. She rolls to look to the mouth of the cave and away from me. She will choose her mate soon; I am sure. She and Lee will still be close, but everything will also be different now.
My family is growing up.