Shin twined his fingers through mine and I burst out laughing. It seemed wrong to be so happy. I thought of the look on Ren’s face, the delight as though he’d been waiting all his life for me, and a shadow fell upon me. “I’m worried about Ren. Will you look out for him, and also Pei Ling? Find out if she’s recovered from her fall.”
At Ipoh Station, I lingered, not wanting to leave him. Shin said, “You’d better go. Otherwise I’ll end up getting out with you.” Not caring if other people saw us, he kissed me hard against the doorway of the train. Then he went back to his seat. I put my hand against the glass of the window; he placed his on the other side. I stared at Shin’s ring that glinted on my own middle finger. The ghost finger or jari hantu, as Koh Beng had called it. Shin tapped on the glass. Startled, I met his eyes. He shook his head. Go! And so, with a last glance, I went.
* * *
By the time I got to Falim, it was nearly noon and the sun’s white glare made me squint. I walked the last bit home in a daze. The interior of the shophouse was dark and cool, and it took me a few seconds to realize that Robert was standing there. With my mother and stepfather.
I froze. I’d meant to slip quietly in, not walk into a committee meeting.
“Where have you been, Ji Lin?” My mother’s anxious eyes took in my canary yellow frock, which unfortunately looked more like a party dress than ever.
“Why? What’s the matter?” I forced myself to speak coolly, though the pulse was hammering in my neck. How much had Robert told them?
“Robert said he couldn’t find you at Mrs. Tham’s.”
So. Not that much after all. I stole a look at him. He had a disheveled, agitated air, as though he, not I, was the one who’d spent the night away from home. My stepfather said nothing, but his long, silent stare gave me the most anxiety.
“I was out with my friend Hui. You remember her, don’t you?”
My mother had never met Hui; I prayed desperately she’d pick up on my silent plea. Her eyes cut sideways to my stepfather and amazingly, she said, “Oh, that’s right. I should have thought of that. Well, I’ll go and start lunch then.”
With this and other excuses, she managed to remove both herself and my stepfather, though not before he fixed me with a slit-eyed gaze.
As soon as they were gone, Robert said, “I want to talk to you.”
I didn’t like the insistence in his eyes, but there was nothing for it but to go on a little walk with him, away from the shophouse. We trudged along in silence, the noonday sun burning down on our heads. I felt dizzy and thirsty, my chest tight with dread.
“How long have you been working there?” he said at last.
“A few months.”
“I asked around,” he said awkwardly. “It’s a fairly decent dance hall, but it’s not a good job. You do know that, don’t you?”
Of course I knew it, though Robert proceeded to give me a long-winded lecture. I wished desperately that he’d go away, back to his world of servants and cars and trips to Europe, but I couldn’t afford to antagonize him, either.
“Look,” I said at last. “What do you think I do at the May Flower?”
“You dance with men. For money.” He wouldn’t meet my eye, and I realized he was busy imagining all sorts of other, unspoken things.
“Yes. I’m a … dance instructor,” I said. “And I’m there two afternoons a week. But I don’t do call-outs, though I’d probably make more money that way.”
Robert didn’t bat an eye at this talk about call-outs, and I realized with a faint feeling of surprise that he was familiar with the term. Perhaps he’d even gone on a few himself.
“Do you need money?”
Shin’s voice rang in my head—don’t ask him for anything—so I said, “That’s my business. Besides, I’m not working there anymore.”
He chewed his lip. “Let me help you, Ji Lin. After all, you stopped Shin from hitting me yesterday.”
“I didn’t want him to get into trouble,” I said, but Robert wouldn’t take the hint.
“I was shocked he got violent. Are you all right?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to remind Robert that he’d practically called me a whore in front of Shin, but I bit down hard instead. “I’m fine. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to change.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I saw Robert’s dawning recognition that I was still wearing the same dress as yesterday. I felt like kicking myself; I’d led him right into it.
“Were you with Shin last night? Where did the two of you go yesterday?”
Dangerous. “I already said I went to my friend’s.”
I turned back, but Robert had something over me now; if my stepfather found out where I’d been working, who knew what might happen? “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other,” I said as politely as I could. “Thanks for your concern, but I can take care of myself.”
“But I want to,” he said, following closely. “You need help.”
I walked faster, itching to get away. With despair, I realized that he saw himself as my savior. Someone who’d rescue me from my unfortunate choices, my violent brother. It would have been funny if it weren’t so awful. Robert seized my elbow. I froze. We were standing in the street and there were bicycles and people passing. Surely he wouldn’t try anything here. I must have looked alarmed, because he dropped his hand uncomfortably.
“I only have your best interests in mind,” he said.
Finally, after delivering yet another stumbling lecture about the danger of poor choices and how I ought to be more careful as a young woman, he left. But my troubles weren’t over.
* * *
When I got back, I heard raised voices coming from the family room on the second floor. Anxious, I raced upstairs as my stepfather came down. He didn’t look at me, just brushed past furiously. My mother was sitting in a rattan armchair in the family room, her eyes closed. Hands pressed against her temples.
“What happened?” I studied her worriedly for visible injuries but couldn’t see anything amiss. “Was it something I did?”
“No, no.” She gave me a weak smile. Then dropping her voice, “But really, where did you go last night, Ji Lin?”
For a brief moment, I considered coming clean about Shin and how we felt about each other, but something warned me not to. “I told you, I stayed with my friend Hui,” I said. “Don’t you remember, the fashionable one?”
I’d mentioned Hui to my mother before, thinking she’d be interested in her clothes and style, but my mother didn’t take the bait. She simply nodded, eyes wary. If only Robert hadn’t alerted them! The fact that I’d returned from some unknown destination dressed in this frivolous, clinging yellow dress had made everything even more suspicious. But this was the dress that Shin had kissed me in. That he’d said he liked. For that reason alone, it would be my favorite dress forever, although I couldn’t look at it without guilt. I always felt guilty around my mother; it was her very meekness and soft reproach that undid me.
“Are you and Robert all right?”
“We won’t be seeing much of each other anymore.” The sooner I set that expectation, the better.
“Why? He’s such a nice boy.”
“We’re not suited.” Looking at her distressed face, I added, “Please don’t say any more.”
“Is it because of Shin?”
I froze. “What does he have to do with it?”
“It’s just that Shin doesn’t like Robert for some reason.”
“Shin doesn’t like anyone,” I said lightly.
“No, he likes Ming. And you. I’m glad that you have a brother now, even if the two of you argue. Family is really important. You’ll find out when you get older.”
She fell silent, and I wondered if she was recalling her miscarriages, those children who had never come into being. And I shuddered, thinking of Yi. Was he still patiently sitting at that railway station in the land of the dead, waiting for his twin to die?
“Mother,” I said slowly, wondering if I was making a terrible mistake, “I have something to tell you.”
45
Batu Gajah
Monday, June 29th
Disaster blows through the wards like an ill wind, bringing news of yet another freak accident. Death is no stranger in this hospital; it walks the halls every day, picking off the old and infirm. But coming so hard on the heels of Pei Ling’s death, it lends a nasty chill to the whispers of the staff.
There’s a vengeful ghost in the hospital, they say. Pei Ling fell down the stairs because she saw it. And that orderly, Y. K. Wong, was killed by a falling tile this very morning, because he saw the ghost walking on the roof of the hospital.