A few doors down, Shin stopped and glanced up at a signboard. Then he went in. It was a small hotel. I’d never stayed in a hotel before. When my mother and I had visited Taiping long ago, we’d stayed with one of her aunts, a fierce-looking woman who seemed to have inherited all the backbone that my mother lacked. I wondered if she still lived in this town and what she’d think if she saw me going into a hotel with a man. Even if he was my stepbrother.
The other girls at work had taught me to be wary of hotels. Never meet a man there. Not even in the reception area. It was a test, they said, to weed out those girls who would, and those who wouldn’t. And now here I was, about to step into one. A rather rundown one from what I could tell. But today’s circumstances were different, and besides, I was with Shin. That was all right, wasn’t it?
The interior of the hotel was gloomy and dank. A single electric lamp lighted the front desk, where Shin was signing a book. The clerk was an older woman, and she gave me a piercing glance. “No luggage?”
“We missed the train back,” said Shin easily. “So we’ll just need one night.”
She looked at him, and then at me again. I did my best to appear unruffled, as though I missed trains every day. Speaking of which, why was Shin so familiar with this process? How many women had he taken to hotels? I stared at his back and the older woman met my eyes knowingly.
“Mr. and Mrs. Lee,” she said, reading the register. “Newlyweds?”
“No,” he said, “We’ve been together for a long time.” He put his arm around me, careful to show off the ring on my finger.
“Do you want a meal?”
Shin looked at me. “Just tea and toast.”
“We’ll send it up,” said the clerk. She squeezed her bulk around the desk and led us up a worn flight of stairs. “You’re lucky tonight, this is the only room left with a private bathroom.”
The room was small and sparsely furnished, with stained-glass window shutters in a flower pattern that overlooked the rainy street in front. But I was staring at the bed, not the view. Neatly made up with sheets and two stiff high pillows, a thin cotton blanket stretched tightly over it. A double bed. What had I been expecting, two twins?
“Shin,” I said as soon as the clerk had left us. “Why didn’t you just say we were siblings?”
“We don’t have enough money for two singles. Besides, claiming you’re my sister sounds more suspicious since we don’t look alike.” He spoke reasonably, but there was something about his averted face that made me think that he was nervous. I’d never seen Shin like this before, and felt even more skittish. It was best to be hearty, I decided.
“I’ve never been in a hotel before,” I said cheerfully.
Silence. I couldn’t really ask him if he’d ever been in one, because clearly he had, though I’d no idea under what circumstances. Perhaps it was all my imagination, but I couldn’t help thinking of Shin meeting women in hotels. Eager young women, sophisticated older women. What did it matter since it wasn’t my business?
“I’ll go and wash up,” I said.
To my surprise, Shin opened the brown paper bag he’d bought earlier and, after rummaging around, produced a brand-new men’s shirt. It was plain white cotton, packed flat and tight with the collar still bound in cardboard and pinned into place.
“Here,” he took out the pins and passed it to me. “You can have this.”
“Don’t you need it?”
His clothes were wet, too, but he shook his head. “Go ahead.”
When I went into the adjoining bathroom, a small tiled boxlike space, I understood why. One glance in the narrow mirror, and I was mortified to discover that my wet dress clung to me. No wonder Shin had kept his eyes glued to my forehead. Shivering, I stripped off and washed up with the thin, hard cotton towels. Then I put on the men’s shirt. Somehow, though less revealing than what I’d been wearing earlier, it looked far more provocative. Not knowing what to do, I stood in the bathroom for a good long while, trying to gather enough courage to go back out. But when I pushed the door open softly, Shin was gone.
A tea tray sat on the bed. I drank the tea, ate most of the toast, and even brushed my teeth with the toothbrush he’d bought at the pharmacy. Then I climbed into bed and turned the lights out. Unreasonably, tears of disappointment threatened to squeeze their way out of my eyes. What had I been thinking, that Shin would finally make a move? That was clearly never going to happen. The things he liked about me—blunt, straightforward, a good sport—weren’t descriptions anybody used for heroines in novels. They were only good for sidekicks like Dr. Watson. I buried my head beneath the hard pillows and sobbed silently.
The door opened, and I froze. Shin stood silhouetted against the corridor light. Then he shut the door with a quiet click, went into the bathroom and started washing up. It was best to pretend I was asleep. Gritting my teeth, I vowed I’d never let him know I’d cried. No sooner had I decided this than he came back in again and slid into bed beside me.
The sound of the rain had lessened, but it was still drizzling steadily. I could hear water running off the roof, the creak of the bed as Shin lay down. I held my breath, heart pounding so fiercely that I was afraid he could hear it.
“Are you asleep?” The way he said it, so softly, made my heart break. It wasn’t fair for Shin to use that tone of voice with me. I exhaled, but it came out as a strangled sob.
“What’s the matter? Are you crying?” He sat up suddenly.
It was useless to hide it, not when Shin pulled the pillow off my face. The street lamp shone in through the rain-flecked windows and he could see my disheveled hair, the tearstains on my face.
“Is it Robert?”
Shin, you idiot, I thought, rubbing my face. Robert was the least of my worries, but Shin leaned over me. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and I had that feeling again. That breathless, churning sensation whenever he got too close to me. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Do you really like him that much? He’s not worth it.”
“I’m not crying about Robert.”
“Then what is it? Are you in pain?”
This was so ludicrous that I didn’t know whether to laugh or start crying again, while in the meantime, Shin was sitting half naked next to me. I could only say, “Why did you go away just now?”
“I was thinking.” He was watching me, eyes dark and unreadable. My stomach twisted, hard. I couldn’t lie on my back and have him lean over me like that; it was a disadvantage for me. When had the muscles of his arms and chest become so lean, so beautifully cut in the half-light from the window?
I struggled to sit up. “Again? About what?”
“I’ve been waiting for years. I don’t think I can wait anymore.” He put his hand on my waist, beneath the shirt. I could see the pulse throbbing in the hollow of Shin’s throat, the half-anxious, half-questioning look in his eyes. I couldn’t breathe.
“Has Robert kissed you?”
I nodded, wordlessly.
A flash of anger. “Well, I’m better.”
I was sure he was going to say something else rude but instead he put the other hand behind my neck and kissed me.
There was a weak feeling in my legs, spreading up slowly towards the center of my body. A hot, melting sensation. His lips were soft and fierce. They trailed over my skin, forced my mouth open. I could feel the beating of his heart, the grip of his hand as it slid dangerously up my waist. “Shin!” I drew my breath in sharply, but he kissed me harder, on my mouth, my neck, pulling impatiently at the shirt I wore. This was everything I’d hoped for, yet so much faster and more urgent that it almost frightened me. “Wait!” I said, breathlessly, as we slid back onto the bed.
“Why?” He was tugging at the buttons now.
“Because we can’t. We shouldn’t.” My thoughts were jumbled, falling apart even as I wrapped my arms around him.
“Yes, we should. Otherwise you won’t be mine.” Shin buried his face in my neck again, his hands cupping my breasts. An electric current shot through me; I gasped and smacked them away.
“I’ve always been yours. So please stop.”
“No, you haven’t.” He sat up, running his hand through the dark hair that fell across his face. “This past month is the first time you’ve ever looked at me like this—it’s always been Ming with you!”
Cheeks blazing, I couldn’t think of what to say.
“Though if it were Ming, I’d be willing to give up. But not for someone like Robert,” he said bitterly.
“Shin,” I touched his face. “I thought you didn’t like me.”
“Of course I do. It’s always been you.”
“Then what about all those other girls?” I said indignantly. “What were you doing with them?”