I gave myself a mental push to start talking. All I was doing was wasting time. “So…I stopped in Boston on my way back to Meadowbrook.”
Aspyn paused mid-sip. “You did?”
“Yeah. I decided to go see where my mother lived. I’d been doing a lot of self-reflection in Seattle, and part of that was needing to understand the things that were supposedly so important to Jennifer—more important than me.” I inhaled and blew out some air. “Anyway, I ran into her boyfriend, Gregory, the man who’d taken care of her before she died.”
“Wow. Okay…”
“He told me a lot of things I didn’t know. My mother lived with more regret when it came to me than I’d ever imagined. I’ll tell you more about that someday, if you want, but now’s not the time.” I reached into my pocket. “Look what he gave me.” I held out the dragonfly. “He said it was one of her favorite pins.”
Aspyn took it from me. “It’s so pretty.”
“He wasn’t sure if she loved dragonflies or what the story was behind it. I decided to look up what dragonflies symbolize. Apparently, they represent change, transformation, and self-realization. Those are the things I’ve felt happening to me over these past four months. It took me coming home and connecting with you to realize that all the things I thought I wanted in life—money, independence—they mean shit. Just like they meant shit to my mother in the end. All she wanted on her deathbed was for me to know she loved me. I just didn’t get there in time to find out.”
Aspyn nodded sympathetically. After a long moment of silence she finally said, “I still don’t understand. What’s going on, Troy? What do you need to say to me that you couldn’t before Christmas?”
I put my mug down. “The night I first told you I was going back to Seattle for a couple of weeks, the night you opened up to me about what happened to you senior year—you mentioned how one decision could change the entire course of your life. You said you believed your cheating on that exam ultimately led to all the things that came after, including what happened to your sister and the life you live now. Do you still believe that?”
She looked away. “Well, I’ll never know for certain what my life would be like if that hadn’t happened. But it’s safe to assume things would be different if I’d gotten that scholarship and gone to Princeton. I’ll never be able to say for certain that my sister would still be here if I hadn’t made that one choice, but I do believe she would.”
I took a long, slow breath in and exhaled. “If you believe getting caught cheating changed everything for you, I have to let you know that I’m the reason for that.”
Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t remember what I’d done until you told me that story. I did and said so many shitty things back in high school, never anticipating that any of them could have dire consequences.”
Her mouth slowly opened. “What are you saying?”
My heart pummeled my chest. “I was the one who ratted you out for cheating.”
Aspyn took a few steps back, her face turning redder by the second. “What?”
“I was in that class, too. You probably didn’t remember, because who the hell remembers who was in what class in high school. I was sitting behind you, and I saw you and that girl passing notes during the exam. I passed my own note to the teacher, and that was what tipped her off. I was so proud of myself for getting back at you. I had no freaking clue what was at stake, no clue that you were up for any scholarship, or that you were already accepted into Princeton. I just thought it was…funny.” I laughed angrily. “Can you imagine? I actually got pleasure out of something that ended up ruining your life.”
Aspyn dropped her head into her hands. “Oh my God.”
Pain shot through my body. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but feared I’d make this worse if I touched her.
“When you told me the story and I remembered what I’d done, I wasn’t sure if I could ever admit this to you. I couldn’t bear to risk you hating me forever. I’ve spent my entire time out in Seattle debating the right choice—and until I knew what to do, I didn’t know how to talk to you. It felt wrong to try to stay in your life, even though I missed you terribly. I kept going round and round: would I rather not tell you, living without you but knowing you didn’t hate me for ruining your life? Or risk telling you, in the hopes that you’d forgive me and still want to be with me?” My voice shook. “Ultimately, I knew I couldn’t face you again unless I told you the truth. It’s just taken me this long to build up the courage.”
I’d wondered if maybe she’d cry when I told her, but Aspyn just seemed numb. Or maybe it was strength.
She looked up at me. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.
“You don’t have to say anything. You owe me nothing.”
She shook her head. “I’m just trying to understand the timeline. So…this wasn’t the reason you initially were going to leave? But once you found out, you decided to go early?”
“Yes. After I left the night you told me about the scholarship, my panic over the possible repercussions grew. I knew I needed to work things out away from you. I really did have to go back to Seattle for a work meeting, and I never intended to leave you for more than those two weeks. But once you opened up to me, and I realized my part in it, that sent me into a tailspin. I didn’t know how to handle it. It wasn’t until I went to Boston and learned the lesson my mother had indirectly taught me that I decided to take the risk. I had to take the risk that you might hate me, in order to have a chance to love you.”
Aspyn remained silent.
“It’s more important to me that you know I love you, even if you hate me. I’m so sorry I disappeared, but know that every second of it was torture. Also know that I will fully understand if you can’t find it in your heart to get past what I did. If there is anything I could take back in this life, it would be that decision—more than any other decision I’ve ever made.”
She swallowed. “I can understand now why you didn’t want to tell me before Christmas.”
As the tension in the air lingered, I didn’t know whether to go or stay. “Tell me what you need from me right now.”
She took what felt like a full minute to answer, and when she did, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
“I need to be alone for a while.”
While that hurt, I understood. “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll leave.”
I walked out of there filled with fear over losing her forever, but I was at peace after having told her the truth. Life was too short to live a lie. I’d spend the next several hours, maybe days, praying she decided to forgive me.
? ? ?
Two days passed, and I’d still heard nothing from Aspyn. But I vowed to continue giving her space. In the meantime, I had some business to take care of.
There was probably one person who hated me more than I hated myself right now. So why not pay her a visit? Things couldn’t get any worse anyway.