“Why didn’t she ever have other kids?”
“She always felt that if she wasn’t able to be a good mother to you, she shouldn’t get a second chance.” Gregory looked out the window for a moment. “But we all make mistakes. Some are so big you never come out from the shadow of them. She really did hope to make things right with you before she died. She knew it was too little too late, but she never gave up hope. I encouraged her to tell you she was sick and ask you to come, even though she suspected you might be hesitant.”
“She thought I didn’t want to come see her?”
“She mentioned that the first meeting with you hadn’t gone as well as she’d hoped. She sensed your anger—and she didn’t want to upset you again.”
I nodded. “When she and I first met, I was an angry fifteen-year-old who wasn’t ready in any way, shape, or form to forgive her. Things would have been different if I’d had the chance to see her at the end.”
“Anyway…” he said. “I know you’d planned to come, even if you didn’t make it in time. And she appreciated that.”
Taking a sip of my coffee, I stared out the window a moment. “What was she going to tell me that day?”
“That she loved you. It was the one thing she was too cowardly to say when she met you the first time.”
I shook my head as I contemplated that. “I spent so much of my younger years angry at her. It was a waste of energy.”
“You couldn’t help that.”
“She died thinking I didn’t love her. She didn’t realize that most of my anger stemmed from the fact that I did. I didn’t understand how I could love someone I also hated. Someone I didn’t even know. But the truth is…her love was all I ever wanted. The only thing,” I whispered.
Gregory’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “You had it all along. You may think what she did was unforgivable, but she did love you, Troy.” He paused. “You said all you wanted was her love. All she wanted was your forgiveness.”
“I would have told her I forgave her if I’d made it in time.”
He nodded. “Well, I do believe that wherever she is, she knows that.” He looked down into his coffee cup. “I loved her. And it pained me to watch her die, but to know she wasn’t going in peace? It’s a lesson that as long as we’re alive, it’s never too late to make amends. But if we wait too long, we can lose the chance.”
Snowflakes had started to fly outside, and I took a moment to let what Gregory had said sink in.
“What made you want to come see her now?” he asked. “I mean, I know you said you just wanted to see where she lived, but in a sense weren’t you coming to see her?”
There was only one answer.
“I fell in love,” I confessed.
“What’s her name?”
“Aspyn.”
He nodded with a smile.
“We’re not together anymore, though.”
“What happened?”
“I’m keeping something from her. And instead of dealing with it head on, I ran away. I can’t face her again unless I tell her. She’ll have to forgive me in order for us to be together. But who am I to think I deserve that? How can I expect her to forgive me if I couldn’t forgive my mother while she was alive? If I can’t forgive myself? I guess I came here today because I need hope…or a sign or something. I thought maybe I’d feel closer to Jennifer here, that I’d find the answers I’ve been looking for.”
“Instead, you found me, an old, washed-up artist,” he joked.
“I guess.” I laughed. “Well, your story about Jennifer helped me see that I don’t have forever to make things right in my current situation. And even if Aspyn can’t forgive me, at least I’ll know I tried. Talking about my mother definitely helped me see that it’s never too late to try, as long as I’m alive.”
He stood from his seat. “Come here. I want to show you something.”
I followed him into a bedroom. He took a framed photo off the nightstand and handed it to me. It took me all of two seconds to recognize the person in the picture.
“That’s me.”
I must have been about six or seven. My hair was shaped into that ridiculous bowl cut my grandmother used to give me, because they were all too cheap to send me to a normal hairdresser.
“She kept that photo next to her bedside. I’ve never had the heart to move it. She loved how happy you looked. It made her feel like she’d done something right in letting your father raise you. She had nothing but wonderful things to say about him. She was very grateful to him for being there for you.”
I placed it back on the nightstand, emotions twisting inside of me.
“Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Gregory walked over to a wooden bureau and opened one of the drawers. “I want to give you something of hers.”
He reached into a jewelry box. “This was one of Jennifer’s favorite pins.”
It was silver or white gold. Upon closer look, I realized it was a dragonfly.
“She liked dragonflies?”
“I’m not sure. I just know she always wore this on her jackets, so I presume she did.”
The dragonfly’s eyes were tiny emeralds. Aspyn’s birthstone.
“It’s beautiful,” I said, rubbing my thumb over it. “Thank you.”
I spent about another hour with Gregory, listening to his stories about life with my mother. They seemed to have had a strong mutual respect for one another and made each other happy—the kind of comfortable happiness I had with Aspyn before I fucked everything up.
While I can’t say my time with Gregory magically erased twenty-nine years of pain, this was by far the most meaningful day of my life when it came to understanding my mother and what she might’ve been thinking.
Unlike my so-called grandparents on my mother’s side, Gregory was definitely someone I’d be keeping in touch with. Moreover, I walked out of that brownstone truly understanding how dangerous it is to leave things unsaid. Today left me with a lot to think about in terms of my next move when I got back to Meadowbrook.
? ? ?
After my visit with Gregory, I went straight to the airport. Since I had a half hour before boarding, I opened my laptop to catch up on work. Before I could get started, though, I saw an email from Kiki in my inbox that had come in yesterday.
Hi, Troy,
Guess what? I tried what you said with Maisy, and I think it worked! She was teasing me at recess, and instead of getting upset, I started laughing. I didn’t mean to laugh, but I got nervous. She looked at me like I was crazy, but then she just walked away! It was magic. So, I think I’m gonna laugh in her face all the time now.
What do people your age want for Christmas? I want to buy something for Auntie Aspyn but don’t know what to get her. I only have ten dollars, and it’s the day before Christmas Eve, so I don’t know what to do!
Are you still feeling sad? Are you ever coming back?
Bye!
Kiki
Her emails always made me smile—particularly the abrupt way they ended. I hit reply.
Hey, Kiki!