What ended up happening was Emily and I were fighting a lot. She was blaming me for everything that was wrong with her and I wanted her to shut up sometimes. We were both doing as much dope as we could get our hands on, and we would be high as shit and I’d nod out in my chair a little and drop lit cigarettes in my lap. Then she’d come downstairs with her video camera and start chasing me around the house going, Look at you! Yer so fucking high it’s disgusting! And I’d say what the fuck and she was high too and what did she mean.
One thing really fucking us up was the Oxys were running out. Soon we wouldn’t be able to get them anymore. It wasn’t Big’s fault. Big would always get Oxys as long as they were making them. The problem was they weren’t making them like they used to. They had started making them so they were like hard rubber and you couldn’t crush them up, and if you did somehow, they’d gel up when you put water on them and it made it so you couldn’t shoot them. There were still some old ones going around but they were running out fast. Emily and I couldn’t do shit with anything we couldn’t shoot. Soon we were going to be stuck with just heroin, and Big didn’t sell heroin and we would be at the mercy of some dope boys, whom you couldn’t count on for shit, and we would get sick a lot more.
School started in fall and I would go to class as much as I could because I had to and I had some luck with that. Emily always had to stay at school all day because she taught a remedial writing class for the undergraduates in addition to going to her own classes and her last class didn’t get over with until eight at night on Tuesday and Thursday. So I spent much of the days at home alone and not doing the things I was supposed to be doing. I’d get so depressed I couldn’t move. Emily would get to telling me I was a worthless fuck. And she was a cunt for that; but she had her reasons, I guess. All the same I didn’t like it and it didn’t help me.
There was a girl in one of my classes and we had talked before and I knew some about her. I knew that she had a kid and that things were tough for her. She wanted me to help her get some heroin. I didn’t want to because she had a kid and all that. It seemed like the worst thing you could do, to give some kid’s mom heroin. But she asked me a few times so I brought her back from school one day and we got some heroin and we shot up in the kitchen and she said that she liked me and I said that I liked her too and that I hoped she’d find somebody who’d love her like she deserved to be loved. Then she kissed me. I’d been hoping she wouldn’t but I liked it. It was good to be kissed by her. It was good to be kissed by someone else. Her tits were hard and she pressed against me and grabbed my cock. I tried to take her pants off but she stopped me and said she was on the rag. I said fuck. She said, Let me lick it. I didn’t want that because I hadn’t taken a shower in almost three days and I hadn’t cut my pubic hair in a long time. I tried to take her pants off again and she said again that she was on the rag and she kept saying, Let me lick it. Then she got on her knees in front of me and started fucking with my belt. There was nothing I could do so I put my cock in her mouth. I could smell my cock and I knew it must have tasted real bad but what was done was done and I came and it came out real hard and some of it bounced off her teeth and went up her nose. She wiped the come off and said she had come up her nose and I felt good about that and bad about that at the same time. We didn’t say much after this and I drove her back to school. It was the last time we saw each other outside of school and when we saw each other at school after that we didn’t look at one another. And I felt bad about this and about how life was just slow death and getting your stupid cock sucked at random when you weren’t ready and how it was regrets and forgetting everything you ever had believed in.
PART SIX
A COMEDOWN
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
How do you get to be a scumbag?
I got to be a scumbag because I needed money and because I was hanging around dope boys too much.
The night wasn’t especially good. We drove around all night, Raul and Rider and I. We were looking for a certain car. We were going to rob the guy who owned the car. But we didn’t ever find him. We went to his house.
Rider said, “He’s not here.”
Raul said, “Are you sure this is his house?”
Rider said, “I’m positive.”
But he said it like he wasn’t positive.
Rider had a scar, a crescent that traced the left side of his face. It wasn’t from an accident; someone had cut him. I bought heroin from Rider when there was nothing else. Rider was bad news. He had asked me if I could kill somebody for him. He needed me to kill somebody because he owed a lot of money and it was the best way to clear his debt. Rider was in trouble. He didn’t tell me that part. He just said I’d make 10 racks if I killed this guy. Anyway I’d said no.
Rider was full of shit. He was the type who’d lie to you about what time of day it was and for no reason. He was the type to get people into fucked-up situations and hope that they’d perform miracles for him. Rider didn’t ever carry his own weight. But he was Raul’s boy. And Raul would believe him, like he’d believed him about this car.
Eventually I got tired of it.
I said to Raul, “This probably isn’t happening.”
Raul said, “This is some bullshit.”
Rider said, “Man, this nigga’s got at least a hundred racks.”
But we were done listening to Rider.
We dropped Rider off. I was burned out and I felt like shit. I hated the way I felt.
I said to Raul, “What about the other thing? I can definitely do that.”
He said, “Yeah. Let’s do that.”
I said, “All you have to do is drive. I’ll do all the work.”
He said okay.
It was a quarter to six in the morning and I was about to be sick. I had no heroin and I had no money and I owed Raul $600. He didn’t want to front me anymore.
I said, “You know I can’t do shit if I’m sick.”
He had me take him to a trap house. He came out with a gram. He said that was it though. I dropped him off at his girl’s house. I said I’d call him in the afternoon. Then I went home. It was a quarter to seven. Snow was on the ground. It was old snow, dirty and iced over. Sometimes I’d forget what month it was.
Emily and Livinia were in bed. I woke them. It was warm upstairs. My heart ached. It was good. Emily got up. Livinia went back under the covers; she liked it there; she liked to sleep in the morning.
Emily and I shot up and got ready to go. I dropped Emily off. She said she wouldn’t mind taking the bus home. I’d said I had to go to my parents’ house for something. She was fine with that: maybe my mom would give me some groceries to bring home; maybe my dad would give me some folding money.
I parked and I went to class. I wanted to feel as normal as I could feel for a few hours. I wanted to pretend I was polite society. I wasn’t supposed to meet up with Raul till three o’clock. I got home at half past noon and I let Livinia out. I had been by the Wendy’s and I’d bought her a cheeseburger. She wolfed the cheeseburger down in about two seconds and then she looked at me like, Where can we get another one of those?
She reminded me of myself, insatiable.
I shot the last of my dope. I smoked a cigarette.
* * *
—
IT HAD been about twenty hours since Black had called.
He’d said I was some shit.
I’d said, “Huh?”
He said, “You some shit.”
“Hello? Black?”
“You gonna make me put my black mask on.”
“What?”
“You gonna make me put my black mask on.”
“I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
“I’m gonna put my black mask on.”
“What did I do?”
“Pay me, motherfucker.”
Emily was watching TV. She said, “Who was that?”
I said, “It was Black.”
“What did he say?”
I lit a cigarette and sat down.
“What did he say?”
“He said he’s gonna put his black mask on.”
“What?”
“That’s what I said.”
She kicked the end table. “Suck my dick, dude!”
“Shit! I dunno. That’s what he said. He said he was gonna put his black mask on.”
“What does that mean?”
“It doesn’t mean anything. He’s a fucking bitch.”
* * *
—