Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I WAS THANKFUL THAT we were interrupted by speeches when Grant got back to the table from getting us drinks.
“I just met Casey,” he said as he scooted his chair in and unfolded his napkin over his lap. He draped an arm around my chair. My mind scrambled. I'd been sick with worry all day knowing they were going to be in the same room as each other. “You should introduce us more. Later perhaps?” Grant said quietly to me as Mr. Moore addressed, and spoke about Cory and Micah, on their behalf, to the guests at the dinner.
This was stress.
Having my husband and my lover in the same room. Having the man I wanted and the one that I was with talking was beyond what I could handle.
“Sure,” I said, clearing my throat. “He's Cory's brother.” Like being Cory's brother meant something to Grant.
Food was served.
My palms were sweaty. I willed myself not to bite at my nails.
Music was played.
We mingled a little, but I felt eyes on me from every angle. From Audrey who only smiled at me, to Morgan who smiled, but not for my benefit. It was the first time that real paranoia gripped me.
Then there was the pull Casey had on me. It was exhausting knowing he was in the same room, but I couldn't turn around and look. Every move I made felt like it was both right and wrong.
I didn't have to search for him, I knew right where he was. At least I'd never get caught looking for him, because my body was synced to his.
“Can we say a quick goodbye to Micah and head back to the hotel? I'm getting tired,” I said to Grant. It was still a revelation, him being here. It didn't even register on my radar that he would want to come. The last time I’d invited him to join me in San Francisco was when Casey and I first met. That seemed like such a long time ago. He'd made the decision only a few weeks ago after I'd returned from a quick trip to Cincinnati.
“Sure,” he said and kissed my forehead. “Do you see her?”
My eyes scanned for her and Cory and I found them with Casey and Audrey. By the time I found them, Grant had already started us in their direction. When we got to them it was Grant who extended a hand first to Cory.
“Thanks for having us tonight. It was nice to see you again. Micah, you look beautiful and very happy.” He kissed her cheek.
“Thank you,” she said. No one made eye contact with me.
I leaned in to hug Cory, “Good luck tomorrow,” I said, and then I hugged Micah. Hard. I wanted to cry.
I wanted comfort from somewhere, from someone. I wanted to hug Casey. The saint that she was let me hug her until I was ready to let go.
“Are you okay?” she asked into my hair before I pulled away.
“I don't know. I'm just really tired,” I confessed and wiped the tear, which slid out without my permission, with the back of my hand. “I'm so happy for you.” I gave her the biggest smile I had and laughed a little when a few more tears slipped off my cheeks.
When I left Micah's arms, I felt Grant pull me into his side.
“Weddings make Blake emotional. Don't they, baby?” Grant asked as he rubbed my upper arm in quick strokes and gave me a little shake. “Her eyes were swollen for days after ours.”
I looked up at him and he was looking at Casey, who was looking at me. It was the first time all night that I allowed my brown eyes to indulge in the blue of Casey’s.
He looked so handsome. A little rough around the edges, but his hair had grown out a little on the top and it was trimmed neatly on the sides. His face was covered in a light beard. The top two buttons on his steel gray dress shirt were open and the tiny sight of his body underneath made my mouth water and my body flush.
“Time to go,” Grant whispered into my ear. All this time, all of these days and nights, minutes and months, I'd never been in this place. Never had Grant been in my ear while I was looking at Casey like that. A chill ran up the back of my neck.
I thought that this might be it. The second I break free and say no to Grant and yes to myself. To Casey. To the possibility of perfection. To risk giving everything to Casey, to give him more than the mere fraction of myself that I possessed.
In my silent panic, time slowed. I watched Casey’s eyelashes dip and touch over his cheeks. My pulse thrummed in my ears. A peaceful broken smile became his face.
I chanced a look at my husband, he turned our bodies to leave and began walking us away from them. From him.
If I would have had the strength, I could have resisted the backward look over my shoulder. I wouldn't have seen the look on his face. I wouldn't have watched the scrap of faith in me pass past his lips in a whoosh.
I wouldn't have seen his balled fists shoot up in the air, as he looked up and turned his back to us as well.
My heels clicked against the marble as we walked to the doors in the front of the country club.
Grant talked in the car.
“The food was good,” he said.
“Everyone seemed very nice,” he said.
“They’re a great couple,” he said.
“It reminded me of our wedding,” he said.
“For some reason I thought Casey was a woman,” he said turning my blood to ice. I remember him assuming that when he’d called the day Foster was born. I didn’t react.
I listened and smiled when I should.
My mind split. I'd perfected the multi-tasked conversation. I was waiting for him to ask something about the tension back at the dinner, so I paid close attention to what he said with one hemisphere of my brain. But on the far side of my mind, I screamed in frustration and I wailed in agony.
I imagined going to Casey. Letting go of Grant and running to him before, rewriting the last minutes we were at the rehearsal.
In that car ride, I accepted that the love I had for Casey, which lived like a parasite in my heart, was the biggest part of me. It lived in every cell. My mitochondria duplicated it and spread our secrets upon generations within me.
I had no choice and the sad truth of that realization was, that if I had had a choice, I'd probably f*ck that up, too.