In the end though, what tore us apart was our inability to deal with the fallout from Rob’s death. After the attempted rape, J tried to wrap me in cotton wool. He constantly monitored my whereabouts and tried to dictate where I could go and what I could do. I was not a woman who could cope with that style of relationship. On top of that, I had started drinking heavily. Feeling responsible for Rob’s death and being unable to work through my feelings associated with that, I had resorted to shutting it all out by hitting the bar. It had started out as a bit of fun but had quickly spiralled into an addiction that I couldn’t get under control. J had lived with an alcoholic parent and had no tolerance for drinking to excess. He had tried desperately to get me help but I had blocked all his attempts. This had gone on for almost a year and the final nail in our coffin had been Jodie, a club whore who J had supposedly cheated on me with. I had believed the rumours, or perhaps I had wanted to, simply to have an excuse to walk away from what our relationship had become.
The year after I left J had been the lowest point in my life. My drinking had gotten worse, I had shut myself off from family and friends and I had hooked up with a violent and controlling biker from Storm’s rival club, Black Deeds. Nix was the VP of Black Deeds and getting involved with him had angered my father, brother and J. This had been a good reason for me to continue the relationship because at the time they were all pissing me off and it felt good to return the gesture. A couple of months into the relationship, I discovered that J hadn’t cheated on me. I was gutted that I had thrown our relationship away because of this, and went to him to apologise for not believing in him. That had been a turning point for me because we rekindled our friendship and he tried to help me get my life back on track. The problem was that Nix wasn’t about to give me up that easily. Although we had only been together for a very short time, he was very committed to keeping us together. He didn’t like my friendship with J and eventually realised that I was still in love with J. The day he worked that out was the day he beat me almost to death. And that was the day that had turned my life in a new direction and led me to where I was now.
I hadn’t spoken to J in over two years now. I also hadn’t had a drop of alcohol in that time. Moving away from Storm had saved my life. The problem was, I felt dead on the inside. I was a twenty-nine year old single woman just going through the motions of life. Sure, I had a job, good friends, and a great social life. On the outside, my life looked like fun. But it wasn’t real. And I didn’t know how to make it any better.
Chapter 3
Madison
“Hello, my name is Madison, and I am an alcoholic.”
“Hello, Madison,” the group responded and I proceeded to share my story. This group was my safe place and tonight I needed them in a way that I hadn’t for a very long time. As I finished, I blew out my breath and let the group’s acceptance and support envelope me. I felt it seep into my bones and glanced around the room, offering a small smile in thanks. Someone else started sharing their story and I sat back and silently lent my support, as had been done for me.
When I first started coming here two years ago I absolutely hated it. Although I knew I had to get my shit together, the last thing I wanted to do was give up drinking. It was the shield I used to stop the grime of life from touching me. When I drank I could just let it pass on by. In the end, however, it sent me to a place I never wanted to go back to. I may have fought this group and what it offered for awhile, but I had made myself a promise to clean up my act, and I had followed through on this. Slowly, I realised that the support I found here was exactly what I needed.
I attended meetings weekly now. Not so much because I still craved alcohol, because I didn’t. No, it was more out of habit now and to make sure I never went there again. As I looked around the room, I saw people at varying stages of their journey. The ones I liked to focus on were the AA newbies. They reminded me of how far I had come and the fact that I was so much stronger now.
Tonight, though, I was feeling a little bit vulnerable. Thinking about Storm and J had stirred up old feelings of hurt and anger; feelings I had spent the last couple of years avoiding. To get from where I was then to where I was now, I had had to lock away all thoughts of J. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about him and that had worked for me. It wasn’t working so well now. And while I didn’t feel like a drink, I knew myself enough to know that I needed to be here, at the meeting tonight.
The meeting ended soon after and I headed straight out rather than staying for a coffee. I stepped out into the warm January night and lit a cigarette as I walked home. My mind was already onto my list of jobs for tonight. Christ, I was supposed to call my brother over an hour ago. I pulled my phone out and dialled him. No answer. Fuck. He would be pissed at me. I left a message and then sent a text to Serena, to let her know I was on my way home.
Me: On my way, what’s for dinner?
Serena: Fuck off. You’re taking me out.
Me: Am I? Make sure you wear that slutty dress for me.
Serena: Oh I’ll wear it babe but I’m not putting out.