Hang on ….this isn’t my fault…. I interrupt Lulu….
“He hurts me Lorraine, if you really must know, my husband physically hurts me, he pulls my hair, he smashes my head into walls, he kicks me, he physically and verbally abuses me and I have had enough and I am leaving him”
I’m so fucking angry with her for jumping to conclusions….about me…that I deliberately call her by her real name, Lorraine….knowing that she hates it! This is so hard…such a struggle for me to admit, without being questioned by a friend like this and I can’t hold it back, if they are going to doubt my motives and probably my sanity, then they need to hear the truth. So, there I have said it now, I have said it out loud, admitted to it, it’s no longer my dirty little secret.
It's possibly the quietest I have ever known the girls when we are all together. I knew Jemma would take it bad, she looks totally shell-shocked, she’s shaking her head and has started to cry. Jo offers another smoke to each of us. This time, even Lulu takes a cigarette...
Jemma is the first to speak “Fuck Lauren, why have you never told us, why have you put up with this, why haven’t you told us before now? I knew something wasn’t right but I never imagined this, fuck, we’re your friends and you didn’t tell us…why?” She raises her hand to cover her mouth and shakes her head.
“What a total Bastard” says Jo.
“I couldn’t Jem, I am so sorry, I just kept thinking, things would get better, and if you knew, if you knew the things he did to me, then you would judge him, and if we stayed together, well then, you would judge me for staying with him, I’m truly sorry”
“No, no, no” Lulu says… “No Lauren, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said all of that, I’m just so shocked, I was trying to think of a reason why you would leave him but I never thought this….And please don’t call me Lorraine…ever” She smiles at me sweetly which makes me laugh
I give them all the details; telling them there has always been an element of violence to my marriage, right from the very start. But that now, well things were at a stage now, where I thought he might be more than capable of doing me some permanent damage!
Lulu puffs on her cigarette, looking at me...And after a few a moment says
“You have to leave him Loz, you can't stay there with him, what if one day he doesn't stop, what if one day he loses complete control? The boys aren't there now to protect you and if he's getting worse like you say, then you just can't take that chance”
“Lauren, I know you love him but this is wrong, what he's doing to you is wrong, you are doing the right thing you have to get out” Says Jem
“I know what I should do ladies but I'm shit scared and where will I go and what if he comes after me? I've tried to leave after fights before and he's always stopped me, I just don’t know what I’m going to do, I am definitely leaving him, but I have no idea where I am going to go”
“Do you have money?” asks Jo….Always the accountant….
“Not really, everything's in a joint account and he checks it every day. I have my secret stash but there's only a couple of thousand in there, I've had to send money to Sonny a few times, when he's been short”
“Well I'm sure that between us, we can come up with a bond and a deposit on a rental, if not, I will lend it to you, and you can stay with us until you get yourself sorted... But you need to get out of there Loz” Jemma says shaking her head as she speaks
“I’m sorry girls; I've totally put a downer on everyone's night now”
“Don't be daft” Jo says, “You have just given us a legit excuse to get totally hammered, not that we really needed one. But no matter what state we end up in tonight, we will meet up tomorrow and hit the agents and see if we can't find you somewhere to live, then, we'll know what sort of money we are gonna need, but remember Loz, as Jemma just said, there's always a bed for you with one of us”
Lulu gives me a cuddle and asks if I'm okay, I shrug, no I'm far from okay but I'm so over talking about it.
“Let’s be really mature and get fucked up and dance our arses off” shouts Jemma, lightening the tone.