She looked a little bemused and said, ‘You’re not a bad person. I don’t believe that for a minute.’
‘Not bad.’ He thought about it for a second. ‘I forgot how to live. That’s what happened to me, I forgot how to live, how to think about other people and enjoy them.’ Simply seeing Kate again had taught him that much, realizing how close he’d come to losing her, the same way he’d lost Natalie years before.
‘Well lucky for you; you’re still alive and you’ve realized that. You have time to make changes.’ She paused, as if conscious that she was about to move back into territory where Alex felt uncomfortable. ‘Which is why you need to remove this threat, or potential threat.’
He didn’t want to talk about it but she was probably right that he needed to be cautious so he said, ‘Okay, if it makes you feel better, I’ll place something with a lawyer and I’ll tell Natalie. Trust me though, Natalie is not the reason Will and Rob died. I have absolute faith in that.’ For a moment too, as he said it he believed it, but he knew that given time he’d begin to doubt her and want to know for sure, the same way he’d come so easily to doubt Matt. Martha smiled, reassured, and he added, ‘So let’s talk about something else. Tell me about you, Martha. What do you do? What have you been doing since you were that little girl who wrote to me?’
‘Oh my.’ She finished her drink and got up, holding out her hand for his glass. ‘I think we’ll need more drinks.’
She told him about Sarah Lawrence, taking a masters. She was working for a literary agency now but he got the impression it was a recreational job. She was smart and funny once she got into her stride, her sense of humour reminding him of Matt.
And Martha wanted to know about Alex, the usual things people asked him, about sleep research, dreams. She wanted to know what had happened in the years after college too, how and when he’d broken up with Natalie, if he’d spoken to the others at all in the years since.
Alex told her about Rob’s funeral, about meeting Rebecca afterwards, and he noticed her eyes moistening as he told the story. It reminded him again of what she’d said earlier, about being back here on her own, thinking of the past.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Is this upsetting you?’
‘No, not at all. I just think it’s really sad, that she felt as if she’d found someone and then he was killed.’
‘Oh.’ He nodded and thought of another question, leaving a suitable pause before he said, ‘Are you seeing anyone?’
‘Not at the moment. And you?’
‘No. Well, maybe.’ He laughed a little, happy just to have thought of Kate again. ‘My ex-girlfriend lives in New York. I think we might be getting back together. I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell.’ Two days ago he’d have put money on it never happening and he was filled with optimism that things had fallen into place so quickly, a sign that perhaps he could transform himself if he was determined enough to see it through.
‘Will you move to New York?’
‘I think we’d prefer somewhere quieter but it’s really too soon to tell.’
She smiled and said, ‘Who knows, maybe we’ll get to know each other properly.’
‘I’d like that.’
He yawned, not even aware of it until Martha said, ‘Are you tired?’
‘God, sorry. I am tired though. I should probably go.’
‘Stay here,’ she said, more like a plea than an offer. He looked at her and she added, ‘There are plenty of rooms, and I can drive you back into Garrington in the morning. I’d like it if you stayed.’
It felt easier to stay than go back to the hotel anyway, but he could see too that she really wanted him there, to have another person sleeping in the house.
‘Okay, thanks.’
She smiled and said, ‘You can sleep in Matt’s room if you like.’ Alex looked puzzled at the offer and her smile slipped. ‘Of course, not a good idea. I didn’t think. We do have guests stay in there sometimes but obviously you don’t want to. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking.’
‘No, you’re wrong, I’d be happy to stay in Matt’s room.’
They went back upstairs and Martha found him a new toothbrush, pointed out where the bathroom was and left him. When he was alone in Matt’s room he walked around it slowly, taking in again the faint traces of the person who’d lived there.
Finally he sat at the desk and stared at his own reflection in the window and then at the photograph in the frame. He wanted to be moved again but it was less charged this time. He sat there for a few minutes, waiting for any thoughts to come to him but he was too tired for thinking. He needed to sleep, and everything else was slipping away against that need.