“But if she was convinced you were her mother, and you’re not, then you were probably right to do that.”
“I wanted to help her. But I had my own issues to deal with and the baby, and she was a lot of work. Very needy. I could’ve tried to get her help. I shouldn’t have disappeared on her. But that’s my MO, isn’t it? The disappearing mother. Franny was just the test run.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think you can blame yourself for this one.”
“I’m the reason Franny’s here, doing this. If I’d handled it better, she wouldn’t have moved in on my family to exact some kind of revenge.”
“You can’t know that.”
“She couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t run away.”
“That’s true. But she’s ill. You’re not responsible for that.”
Kaitlyn closes her eyes, going to her own private space. I watch her. She opens her eyes again. She seems more focused.
“I can’t believe Joshua. What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s hurt and confused.”
“My fault again.”
“Yes.”
She smiles wryly. “I should get going.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks for helping me.”
“I was trying to help Joshua and the girls.”
“Fair enough. But thank you just the same.” She walks past me to the door. “I’m truly sorry. I hope you know that.”
“Will you keep in touch?”
“You want that?”
“I want to know that you’re alive. That you’re okay.”
“I’ll try.”
“The girls will be all right.”
“I’m going to make sure of that.”
Kaitlyn opens the door and walks out of the apartment. I follow her.
“Wait, what do you mean? What are you going to do?”
“What I should’ve done in the first place.”
She hurries down the stairs. I almost call her name, but then I stop myself; there are people on the street, people who might recognize her. And what can I do, anyway? I can’t control Kaitlyn any more than I could control Joshua. I’ve done enough.
For once in my life, I’ve done too much.
Interview Transcript
Subject: Cecily Grayson (CG). Conducted by: Teo Jackson (TJ).
TJ: Are you ready?
CG: Ready to spill my big secret?
TJ: I’m here to listen to whatever you want to tell me.
CG: I don’t mean to be dramatic. Probably in the grand scheme of things, my secret’s not that big, but it could have important consequences for me.
TJ: I understand.
CG: You asked me the other day about the fact that I’d visited a divorce attorney. I told you Tom and I were having trouble in our marriage and that I’d gone to see a divorce attorney to explore my options. That’s not the whole truth. The truth is, that was only at first. I’d found out some things about my husband, some things that made it hard for me to trust him again. He left for a while. That’s when I went to see the divorce attorney.
TJ: But you didn’t file for divorce?
CG: Not then. I let him move back home. But something was broken between us. He tried hard, he wanted things to work, but I didn’t feel safe with him anymore. I didn’t feel like I should.
TJ: I’m sorry to hear that.
CG: It’s all right. Anyway, I told him I wanted a divorce. He fought me on it. He wanted to try to work things out, to stay together for the kids, to give it longer than I wanted to. But I couldn’t see my feelings changing. I wasn’t getting over it. I was just getting more and more angry each day. I was so consumed by it, it felt like a sickness. A cancer. It was killing me.
TJ: What did you do?
CG: He agreed to move forward with the divorce. There was a law firm in his building that did their corporate work that also had a divorce attorney on staff. We negotiated how it would work, and they got everything ready for us to sign so we could file. We worked everything out, but we hadn’t told the kids. Tom asked for that. That we not tell them until it we were ready to file. I think he was hoping I’d change my mind.
TJ: Then what happened?
CG: October tenth. I was going to his office because we were going to sign the documents, and that would’ve been it once the judge signed off.
TJ: But instead, he died?
CG: And you took my picture, and all of a sudden I was this person, this “widow,” this symbol. And there was the money.
TJ: What about the money?
CG: If the divorce were final, I never would’ve gotten any money. But it wasn’t. Tom and I were in financial trouble. We were going to have to sell the house and move into separate apartments, and even then it would’ve been a stretch, even with my going back to work. And I couldn’t use the money the kids got to clean up my problems. That went into a trust for them until they’re twenty-one. So I didn’t tell anyone. I took the money when I didn’t deserve it. I’m a complete fraud.
TJ: But you were still married.
CG: Technically, by a matter of inches. But I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want anything to do with him. But everything I have, any security I have, is because he died. And this image people have of me, it’s false, a lie. I always say how much I hate it, but I’ve gone along with all of it. The attention, the press. I told myself it was a way to make it up, to be the person people wanted me to be. But I think I enjoyed the attention, deep down. I liked the perks. I’m a terrible person.
TJ: I don’t think so.
CG: You’re not the most objective audience.
TJ: That might be true, but you did do all the things people asked you to. You helped people. You had to take care of your family, your kids, their future. You were doing what you needed to survive.
CG: Is that the story you’re going to tell now? With this footage?
TJ: I’m not sure. I’ll see how it plays out in the editing room.
CG: You should leave me on the cutting-room floor. Or make me into the villain. There’s a good twist for you; the Poster Child actually belongs on a Most Wanted poster.
TJ: I don’t think you did anything illegal.
CG: Only morally bankrupt. Added to that, I wanted this to happen.
TJ: What?
CG: For Tom to die. I wanted Tom to die.
TJ: But you’re not responsible for the explosion.
CG: I know that objectively. But . . . my therapist doesn’t like it when I say this, but sometimes it feels like I willed the explosion to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I was late that day because I was saving myself.
TJ: Maybe you were saving yourself.
CG: How?
TJ: You were reluctant to end your marriage. Maybe that’s why you were late. Maybe you wanted to save things with him after all.
CG: I never thought of it like that. I was late that day because I didn’t want to get divorced.
TJ: How does that sound? True?
CG: It feels like it might be true.
TJ: So you are a widow.
CG: I am a widow.
TJ: You deserved the money.
CG: Are you trying to hypnotize me? Getting me to repeat after you?
TJ: I don’t think so.
CG: I deserved the money. Maybe, maybe that’s right.
TJ: Thank you for telling me this, Cecily.
CG: What do you think’s going to happen now?
TJ: I don’t know the future. I only curate the past.
Chapter 40
One Ending
Cecily
When I get home, Cassie and Henry are making dinner.
“What’s all this?”
“Cassie’s making me cook.”
“God, Henry. Am not.”
“I’m in the kitchen, aren’t I?”
“It was your idea, dummy.”
“Kids, kids. Please. It’s been a long day. What’s on the menu?”
“Spaghetti and meat sauce.”
“My favorite.”
Cassie smiles at this. “Henry’s making his garlic bread, too. And I made a Caesar salad.”
“What did I do to end up with such wonderful children?” I sit at the kitchen counter and watch them work. Cassie takes a bottle of wine out of the fridge and pours me a glass. “Is there a dead body in the garage or something?”
“Mom! Why would you say that?”
“I feel like I’m being buttered up for something.”
“Can’t we just do something nice for you sometimes?”
I take a sip of wine. It reminds me of Kaitlyn, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Or not only a bad thing. It’s confusing. “Of course you can. I’m just naturally suspicious, I guess.”
“Humph,” Cassie says. “How did it go today?”
“Not as expected.”