The dark obsession with killing came when my family died. It left me alone long enough to grieve, to spend hours curled in bed, sobbing for my own situation: loneliness and despair over the loss of my family taking over any normal thought process. But eventually, I had to recover, leave my bed, and reenter the rat race known as life. But soon, it came a-calling, searching me out in moments of unguarded weakness. In the shower, I would be struck with a vision of slicing a throat open and letting the blood fill the drain. In class, I’d find myself focusing on my science teacher’s neck, fantasizing about wrapping my small hands around it and squeezing until the life was gone from his body.
When the urge got too great—consuming every spare breath and thought that came into my mind—I tried to satisfy it in other ways. Ways that I hate to think about, ways that fill me with embarrassment and dread. Nothing worked. And when I started making serious plans, started picking out victims and sharpening knives, that was when I knew I had to do something. That was when I decided to lock myself up.
I finished up the fall semester at the community college, packed up my dorm, quit my I-spray-crap-perfume-on-you-at-Abercrombie job, and moved into the shithole that I now call home. Settled in, turned on utilities, and locked the door.
I haven’t seen a live person since.
CHAPTER 13: threeinchpenis
HUMILIATION: Humiliation play is connected to sexual fetishism, and can be associated with exhibitionism in the sense of wanting others to witness one’s sexual degradation. Activities such as name-calling are a way of achieving ego reduction or getting over sexual inhibitions.3
I was caught off guard the first time a small dick entered the room. Outside of my private chat room, there is a waiting room of sorts called Free Chat. When I am not in a Private Chat, I log into that room. It is designed as a place for camgirls to meet the members and convince them to take them into a private chat. The waiting room is free, and there I’m supposed to chat with all the members at one time until one of them decides to hit the “Take to Private” button, which is when everyone else is kicked out and the credit card charges begin. I am lucky in that I don’t typically sit in the waiting room for more than a minute or so. I am, in terms of camgirls, a hot commodity. But one Monday, things were slow, and I was lounging on my side, smiling into the cam and chatting up seventy-two different members when threeinchpenis popped up on my screen.
threeinchpenis: hey Jessica
richone45: can u show us more skin?
OSUfreshie: hey bb how much 4 private?
I laughed, leaning forward so that my cleavage was enhanced. “Hey Three—no Rich, you know the rules in free chat and it’s $6.99 a minute, Fresh.”
OSUfreshie: damn. i can’t afford that
richone45: i can
allabout*: do you like cunnilus Jessica?
OSUfreshie: yeah right rich - then why r u in free with the rest of us?
Jacob1982: cunni…what? grabs the dictionary fantasyplayer: can you show me your feet?
threeinchpenis: Jessica, is it okay if my penis is only three inches long?
richone45: b/c i like free chat freshie. anyway, i’m about to take her private.
“Of course it’s okay that your cock is three inches long. Do you want to go to private, and you can show it to me?”
Jacob1982: I can’t find cunnilus in the dictionary. What does it mean?
OSUfreshie: then take her rich. We r all waiting NFLJunkie: ur hot
—-frankiedoug enters room
Assman22: LOL u r all so stupid. it’s spelled cunnilingus u idiots allabout*: u should feel dorky for knowing how to spell it BlueDog1: who says cunnilus anyway? sounds like something my grandmother would say —-Packersfan13 enters room
Jacob1982: i found it. i don’t want to “orally stimulate the female genitals anyway.” That sounds scary.
“Thanks NFL. You guys, please be nice. All, I love cunnilingus, and I don’t give a damn how anyone spells it. Rich, were you going to take me private?”
—-richone45 left room
OSUfreshie: i knew he was full of shit.
- FREE CHAT ENDED - threeinchpenis HAS STARTED A PRIVATE CHAT
I incorrectly assumed that a guy with a small cock would want reassurance that size didn’t matter, that I found him attractive regardless. Threeinchpenis didn’t let me get very far down that path before he set me straight. His request seemed so odd; I blinked a moment at the computer screen.
threeinchpenis: STOP. don’t compliment. make fun of it. laugh.
I understood cuckold stuff. That comprised about ten percent of my chats. Cuckold has an edge of humiliation attached, and I am comfortable with that edge. But pure humiliation and ridicule was not a fetish I was experienced in, or necessarily comfortable with. Those clients have their own whole section of the camsites, with their own dedicated models—girls who specialize in leather, insults, and degradation. I’ve never had to ‘go there’ in a session, and I wasn’t particularly comfortable with a leap in that direction.
I started hesitantly, a fumbling, disastrous attempt to point awkwardly and laugh. I sounded forced, ridiculous, and kept waiting for the ENDED CHAT message to fill my screen. But it didn’t, and he stayed with me, patient—his grainy image filling the screen, his small cock wedged between tan, muscular thighs. He appeared to be, from my limited view of his stomach and crotch, someone who took meticulous care of himself—tan, muscular, shaven. His cock was hard, the area hairless and smooth, the short stub thin and uncircumcised. It was tiny, and I tried to laugh and point - but it went against every empathetic bone in my body.