‘I didn’t mean …’ I started to say, but Xander shushed me with his hand.
‘I don’t think you trust women,’ Petra said, turning back to me. ‘Or men for that matter. I think you have constructed your own internal world because that is the only place you feel safe.’
‘Objection,’ Xander said. ‘I didn’t realise Ms Gardner was a psychologist.’
‘You might do well to save those types of remarks for your closing statement, Ms Gardner,’ Justice Smithson said.
‘Sorry, my lord,’ Petra said. ‘You’re right. Because of course Mr Hayes is too deeply involved in this fantasy to ever admit to any of it.’ She walked over to where I was standing until she was so close I could see her make-up creased in the lines round her eyes and smell her synthetic floral stench. ‘I don’t even believe you love Mrs Metcalf,’ she said, her eyes locked on me.
‘Of course I love her,’ I shouted, the sound deafening in the silent court.
Petra turned her back on me and I wanted to vault the witness box and push her to the ground. ‘No,’ she said finally. ‘You’re in love with the idea of being in love. You can’t love someone and put them through what you’ve made Mrs Metcalf endure.’
‘But you don’t understand,’ I said, and even though I stopped myself shouting there was a tremor in my voice. ‘You have no idea.’
‘What, because I’m a woman?’ Petra said as she turned back to face me again.
‘No, because you’re not me or Verity.’
‘I would just ask you to do the decent thing and tell the truth about Mrs Metcalf,’ she said, looking directly into my eyes. ‘If you love her like you say you do then for God’s sake let her go and admit that you’re lying about her involvement in her husband’s murder. Lying about what she feels for you. Lying, in fact, about your whole relationship, which exists only inside your own head.’
I held her gaze, her stupid cow-like brown eyes. I shook my head. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I stand by everything I have said. Verity and I are very much in love. We didn’t want Angus to die, but there was no way we weren’t going to be together.’
Petra shook her head and turned away. ‘No further questions, my lord.’
Xander leant over his table as he asked the first question. ‘How did you feel when Mrs Metcalf ended the relationship last Christmas?’
‘Shocked and saddened. But I also understood. I had betrayed her massively and I knew I had to pay for what I’d done.’
‘That’s an interesting phrase. Pay for what you’d done. Is that what Verity said to you?’
‘No, but I know the rules.’
Xander raised an eyebrow. ‘What rules?’
It felt like there was too much to say and not enough time. You see I knew, V, that you were the only person in the room who would understand what I was talking about and, at that moment, I felt nothing but contempt for everyone else. How boring, I thought, not to be us. ‘Our rules. The rules we live by.’
‘Is that why you stopped contacting Mrs Metcalf in February after you returned to New York?’
I could feel my heart beating through my shirt, hard and fast. ‘Yes. I knew I had to make amends. I knew I couldn’t just say sorry, I knew I had to show her how sorry I was. So, I set about making plans to come home and buy a house and start creating the sort of life we’d always talked about.’
‘You must have been pretty shocked then to find out she was engaged,’ Xander said. He kept his eyes on me as he spoke and I knew he was willing me not to say what I thought.
‘I was,’ I said, keeping my voice steady. ‘But I also realised how much I had hurt her and it felt like a natural reaction.’
He smiled because I had remembered. ‘Are you saying that you think Angus was a rebound relationship?’
I shrugged, as casually as I could, keeping my mind fixed on all the times we’d played this out, as I’m sure you did, V, with Petra. ‘I couldn’t say, but it seems like a very short amount of time to go from a long-term relationship to engagement.’
Xander nodded. ‘And did you attempt to contact Mrs Metcalf on your return?’
‘I emailed her to say I was back and said I was looking forward to the wedding and meeting Angus and how they should come round sometime.’
‘So all very friendly?’ Xander said. Then he looked at the jury. ‘Emails are item twelve in your folder.’
‘Yes, she said we should get together after the wedding. But then I bumped into her like she said, a couple of weeks before the wedding.’
‘And how was that?’
I swallowed because it felt like my throat was blocked. I drank from the water in front of me. ‘It was strange,’ I said, pausing. ‘I think it was strange for both of us. It still felt like there was a strong connection between us and it upset me, if I’m honest.’ Keep to the timeline, Xander had instructed me, remember it as though your life depends on it, which of course it did.
‘But you still went to the wedding?’
‘Yes, although I wish I hadn’t because it was horrid to see Verity marry Angus. It made me realise that I wasn’t over her. In fact it made me realise I was still in love with her.’
‘So, when was the next time you saw Mrs Metcalf after the wedding?’ Xander asked.
‘I went to meet her after work. I felt I had to say a few things to her and she agreed to a drink. I told her I loved her still and I thought she’d made a mistake marrying Angus.’
‘And what did she say?’
I looked up at that and over at you then, V. Xander had told me not to, but I found I couldn’t stop myself. You were staring at me, your face ashen and your eyes black and hard and I knew then that you hadn’t yet understood what I was doing. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
‘Mr Hayes, you must answer the question,’ Justice Smithson said.
‘She seemed very confused,’ I said. ‘She said she loved Angus, but she was distressed and she kept giving me our secret signal.’
‘Your secret signal?’ Xander said. ‘What’s that?’
‘When we Craved her signal to me, when she wanted me to come over and rescue her, was to pull on the silver eagle she wears round her neck.’ We all looked at you as I said this and the eagle was there, resting gently on your skin. You sweetly put your hand to it, but then dropped it back into your lap.
Xander turned back to me. ‘And is that when Mrs Metcalf mentioned Angus was going away for a few days?’
‘Yes. I took it to mean that she wanted me to come round and we could start sorting all the mess out. But she was away at the weekend, so I went round on the Monday evening and she let me in.’
‘Mrs Metcalf says you assaulted her.’
My eyes stung with the effort it was taking not to cry. ‘I think Verity is very confused and that’s understandable. It was wrong of us to kiss, but we couldn’t help ourselves. And like Verity said, when she asked me to stop I did. We talked for ages afterwards about what we were going to do and how she would break it to Angus.’
‘And you left afterwards. She didn’t have to shout or ask you to go? She didn’t call the police?’
I shook my head. ‘No. We agreed she would tell Angus the next day and come and live with me.’
‘But you didn’t hear from her the next day?’
‘No. I started to get worried that Angus had hurt her in some way or something had happened, so I went round again. I should have left when he told me she was ill as Verity had made it clear she wanted to be the one to tell him, which would have been the right thing to do. But my impatience got the better of me and I blurted it out. He was very shocked and she was very upset and I left so they could sort it out. I went home and fell asleep and the next thing I knew was when Verity rang me to say Angus was on his way round.’ I realised I had been talking quickly and my breath was coming in short, ragged bursts.
Xander flipped open the pages he was holding. ‘I also have the medical reports, which show that both you and Mr Metcalf sustained injuries consistent with a fist fight. Is that your memory of what happened?’
‘Yes.’
‘Who would you say started the fight?’
‘Mr Metcalf. As soon as I opened the door he went for me.’