‘I don’t know,’ V said. ‘A bit of mystery. That sounds quite romantic.’
‘Anyway, Mike. I’ve put you in the blue room.’ Suzi stood as she spoke and Colin followed her, as he always did. ‘Night, you two,’ she said as they left. ‘And don’t let Verity stay up too late, Mike. We don’t want her relapsing.’
V rolled her eyes at me. ‘It’s like I’m ten again.’
I smiled. ‘They just care.’
She sighed. ‘Sometimes you can care too much.’
I slid on to the floor and sat next to her, putting my arms around her shoulder. But she moved away. ‘Sorry, ow, I’m still quite achy.’ She looked fine though; there was even a bloom of pink on her cheeks.
The knowledge of what I had to tell V weighed heavily inside me. Because the sex I’d had with Carly had been unprotected I had already had all the necessary tests. The HIV test had already come back with an initial negative but, as I had suspected, the definitive results for that and all the other tests would take up to three months. I would have told V anyway because there has and will never be any point in us keeping secrets from each other, but there was no way I would have put her in any sort of physical danger.
‘What’s wrong?’ V asked.
‘Nothing. Just tired after the flight.’
‘No, there’s something else, I can tell.’
So I told her, as we sat by the fire. Probably I was wrong to do it there and then. Maybe her brain was still slightly addled from her fever. Almost definitely I said the wrong things, even though I had gone over and over my lines on the plane. I told her I’d made a terrible mistake, I would do anything not to have done it, it was only because I was so lonely and missed her so much, I wanted to come home, I would do anything to make it better; she, V, was the only person in the world I cared about, she was all I had, she was everything.
V sat very still while I spoke, her gaze focused on her hands, which were twined in her blanket. When she finally looked up her eyes were rimmed in red and her mouth was set into a small line.
‘Are you fucking joking?’ she said finally and I started to cry. ‘What sort of man are you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, which was true.
‘And how dare you say you did it because you were lonely,’ she spat. ‘As if it was all my fault. You talk like I made you go to America, like it was my idea. Don’t you think I missed you as well?’
‘I’m sorry.’ My tears were now so violent I could taste them.
‘I thought you were different.’
‘I am.’
She snorted.
‘Nothing like this will ever happen again, I promise.’
‘You’re so weak. Sometimes you remind me of a piece of modelling clay, like you could be anything. You disgust me.’
‘Please.’ I clamped my hands over my ears. ‘Don’t.’
‘Don’t!’ she shouted. ‘Maybe you should have thought of that before you fucked some secretary because you felt a bit lonely.’
‘Oh God, V,’ I sobbed, ‘please. It was nothing. This doesn’t have to change us.’
She laughed at that, but it was not a happy sound. ‘It changes everything. It completely alters my perception of who you are. I thought we understood each other, but evidently we don’t at all.’
‘But I do, I do understand you. I love you more than anything, anyone. I will never stop loving you.’
‘Just fuck off out of my sight.’
‘No, not until you tell me you love me too.’
‘I hate you.’
‘V, stop, I love you.’
‘I hate you.’
‘I crave you.’ She had stood up by then and I was down on my knees, my arms wrapped around her legs. ‘I fucking crave you, V,’ I shouted.
She slapped me round the face, which made me let go of her legs, and she was gone from the room in an instant, leaving the blanket pooled by the fire. I stood and followed her as quickly as I could, but by the time I reached her door it was locked tight against me. I knocked a few times, but the noise simply echoed round the still house and so I went to the blue room, where I lay fully clothed on top of the sheets.
The next morning V’s door was still locked and so I simply sat outside it, calling through the wood from time to time. Eventually Suzi came up the stairs.
‘I think you should go, Mike,’ she said.
‘I can’t go until V speaks to me,’ I replied.
‘She’s very upset. She doesn’t want to speak to you today.’ Her face was quivering slightly as she spoke and her hands were clasped in front of her. I was aware of the presence of Colin at the foot of the stairs.
‘It’s all a terrible misunderstanding,’ I said.
She frowned. ‘It sounds like a bit more than that.’
‘How do you know?’ I sounded harsher than I meant.
‘I spoke to her last night.’ I couldn’t quite imagine that happening and wondered if Suzi was lying, because V would never tell her about our life. And what had I been doing at the time? Surely I hadn’t slept?
‘Please, if I could just speak to her I’m sure we could work it out.’
Suzi shook her head. ‘I really think you should go now, Mike. See how the land lies in a few days.’
‘But it’s Christmas tomorrow.’
Suzi looked down. ‘I’m sorry, Mike.’
I ordered a taxi to take me back to our flat in London and sat and waited for it on my own in the kitchen. I couldn’t quite believe that V wasn’t going to come down the stairs and ask me to walk round the garden with her. I left her Christmas present, a pair of diamond studs, on the kitchen table and wrote a hurried note on to the Christmas-tree label. ‘I am still your eagle,’ was all I said, all I needed to say.
I looked back as we drove away down the gravel drive, the tyres crunching like a welcome, but the house looked stern and empty and there were no faces at the window.
I could have called Elaine and spent Christmas with her and Barry and whatever kids they had with them at the time, but the thought was simply too awful. Just the thought of the explanations involved was exhausting and besides, I had already sent them lots of expensive gifts from New York, so I felt I had done my duty. Instead I sat in my and V’s empty flat and ate stale bread and cold baked beans because I couldn’t bear to let myself have anything nice. I looked out of the window at fathers pushing new bikes down the road and felt like breaking something.
I called V every hour and sent her too many text messages to count. But she never picked up and never answered. She didn’t come back to our flat between Christmas and New Year and there were no messages telling me what she was doing. We had arranged to spend New Year in New York and I went to the airport on the thirtieth to see if she turned up to catch our flight, but she didn’t show and the plane took off without either of us. I called her from the airport, saying that I hadn’t got on the flight without her, that I could meet her anywhere, but that we mustn’t spend New Year’s apart.
She sent me a text an hour later: I’m not going to see you, Mike.
I went back to our flat and had some flowers sent to Steeple House.
She sent another text that evening: I am not at Mum and Dad’s.
Where are you? I texted back immediately, but she didn’t answer.
I rang Steeple House and Suzi answered. ‘Can I speak to Verity please,’ I said.
‘She’s not here, Mike. I’m afraid she didn’t see the flowers, although I told her about them.’
I tried to keep my voice even. ‘Where is she?’
‘She’s gone away with friends.’
My mind spun at this information. ‘What friends?’
I felt Suzi hesitate. ‘I’m not sure who. Some people she met at work, I think.’
‘She’s gone away with people you don’t know to somewhere you don’t know?’
Suzi coughed. ‘She’s an adult, Mike. She can do what she likes.’
I knew she was lying. ‘Please, Suzi. We have to talk.’
‘I’m sorry, Mike. It’s not up to me. I suppose Verity will contact you when she’s ready.’