CHAPTER THREE
Apparently, the world didn’t stop just because you did. Despite the days I spent in an emotional coma, drinking and smoking my way out of my web of lies, Christmas was still approaching. I didn’t really notice unless I left the house, popping in at the shop across the street to get my jugs of beer-to-go and bottles of wine. The twinkling lights, Mariah Carey music, and false cheer were like the final nail in my coffin. Life was going on at its shitastic rate, and yet, there I was, smelly, barely clothed, and drinking myself to death. It didn’t fit. No one deserved to feel better than I did. I wanted everyone to know the endless rage and sorrow that wouldn’t scrub away. It wasn’t fair that they escaped and I didn’t.
Sometimes I really hated Perry. I’d think about her and feel nothing but this animosity, this dark fuel that filtered through my veins like sludge. I wallowed in it, embracing the hate, dancing with it, for hate was a much more potent and powerful lover than sadness ever was. It made me feel vindicated and alive.
But in the mornings, it would fade. Over time, the anger would subside. And so would the heartache. I was down to feeling nothing at all. It was brilliant.
Since I’d stopped caring, it made everything else easier to deal with. I still managed to take Fat Rabbit out for his walks, but other than that, I just didn’t give a shit. I thought I was pretty good at it too. Once again, I was ignoring my phone calls. In fact, I forgot to charge my phone and left it dead. I didn’t check emails. I didn’t do anything.
Occasionally, I would think about Pippa’s message to me. I guess I took some of it to my cold, cold heart, because I stopped taking my medication. If the ghosts came after me, so what? Who cared? It’s not like I needed to better myself anymore. Besides, it might be fun to associate with the dead. They were the only ones who were as unfeeling and empty as I was. They’d be the perfect companions.
Then there was the whole thing about Declan O’Shea, which of course was my name until my mother died and I took her last name, Foray, to remember her by. Or at least remember my guilt. I finally came to the conclusion that if Perry’s parents knew who I was, it probably had something to do with the Swedish Spectre of Clown College. Logic pointed to Pippa being Perry’s grandmother or relative of some kind. But you know what? Whoop dee fucking do.
Yes, the no fucks to give stage was wonderful. I drank some more and ate tons of crap just because I could. I was sleepwalking through life, and that was good enough for me.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t good enough for everyone. Apparently, I had friends and people who worried about me. I couldn’t keep them out of my bubble for long.
It was two nights before Christmas when Rebecca and her girlfriend Emily showed up at my apartment. It took that moment for me to, once again, realize how out of control my life had gotten. I thought I was just fine, sitting on the balcony in the freezing cold, drinking my bourbon. I’d eaten bag after bag of Doritos and was feeling a little hot. That might account for why I was out there in my underwear. I mean, it all made valid sense in my head at the time. You’re hot? Take off your clothes and sit outside in near freezing temperatures. Enjoy the view. Enjoy the darkness.
I don’t remember all that much, except for the horror on their faces as I was shoved into the shower. Not a nice steamy shower to get my cold bones back to a normal state, but a cold shower that felt like murder on my frozen skin. So much for not feeling anything. I hollered and yelped as Rebecca practically assaulted me with cleaning products. Then I was even more helpless as she dried me off and put jeans and a thick sweater on me. Meanwhile, her partner in crime was out in the kitchen, pouring out every bottle of booze I had and throwing every bag of chips into the garbage.
Oh no, Hulk alert. Not my chips!
“Dex,” Rebecca said, leading me toward the bedroom. “Pack your bags. We’re taking you with us.”
I glared at her as the waves of anger came back. Perry’s betrayal, her hand squeezing my heart, it all came back in an ambush. Everything I was avoiding was still there.
I was too irate and overwhelmed to speak so Rebecca passed me off to Em, who kept her tiny hand affixed around my arm while Rebecca started packing for me.
“I know you don’t want us to be here,” she said, cramming my clothes into a small suitcase she dragged out from the closet. “I know you want to be left alone so you can continue drinking yourself into a selfish stupor like the arse that you are. But you don’t have a choice. You’re coming with us. We’ll take care of you until you’re back on your feet. I’m not saying you have to change who you are, but Dex, you, right now, this is not you. You’ve given up. And the Dex Foray that I know, never gives up, no matter what life throws at him.”
“Perry,” I whispered, trying to find one leg to stand on. “She switched my medication and never told me. She wanted me to see the ghosts. She did that to me.”
Rebecca paused and gave me a thoughtful look. “And you have every right to be angry. So be angry, Dex. It’s better than being nothing at all.”
I felt like I was choking. My words came out hoarsely as I gasped for air, as I allowed myself to feel. “It hurts more than I know what to do with. I can’t handle this. I can’t.”
Em squeezed my arm lightly and started stroking my back. Rebecca sighed and came over to me, placing her hands on either side of my face. “You’re one of my dearest friends,” she told me, tilting my head down so she could look me square in the eye. “I have a pretty good idea of what you can handle. You’ll get over this, Dex. Perry will too. Whether that means you’ll be back in each other’s lives, if that’s even what you’d both want, I don’t know. But she hurt you. And you hurt her. Even though you’re apart, you’re in this together. You’ll get out of it together.”
She gave my cheek a light slap. “So buck up. Put on your big boy knickers and deal with it like everyone else has to when they get their heart broken. People lie and they hurt you and they betray you. But they also make mistakes. You haven’t been the perfect guy with her, Dex. Apart from the way things ended, she had to be only your friend the whole time you were with Jenn. She had to love you and suffer because you were too scared to move on and make her yours. Does it make you feel better to know that she was probably dying slowly inside, that you were breaking her heart bit by bit?”
I swallowed hard. I felt better—for one second. Then it passed, my anger going with it.
“No,” I admitted softly. “It doesn’t.”
Because even after all of this, I still loved her. Love and hate were two sides of the same coin, and my coin was destined to land with love facing up. And the minute I made peace with those odds was the minute I’d start winning.
“Come on.” Em gave me a little tug. “You’re in our hands now. You’ll be back to your obnoxious old self in no time.”
I was looking forward to it. My old self didn’t have permanently orange-stained palms from an excessive Doritos consumption.