Twenty-seven
We walk into the dark. Odessa sits on Alex's back, clinging tightly to him. He must be as exhausted as I am, but he doesn't say a word.
I slip a few times, tripping over a root, and Jimmy is the one to catch me. I try not to flinch away from him. His touches are gentle, yet firm. He doesn't offer to carry me, and I'd refuse him if he did. I'd rather be left behind than be carried.
Once we're far enough away, they build a fire. Alex sits on the ground preparing the small animals for cooking with a large knife. It's too much for me and I have to turn away, scooting away from Alex and his daughter.
Jimmy pokes at the fire, making it flare up brightly. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him glance over at Alex then at me. Jimmy ends up taking a seat between Alex and me, blocking the cutting from my view.
I curl up, bringing my knees up to my chest and hiding my eyes in my arms in case I start to cry. My muscles quake with tiny tremors that make it hard to hold myself together. All I really want to do is become a pile of goo on the dirt.
Jimmy glances at me with some concern, but he doesn't move to comfort me, probably realizing he's not the best man for the job considering that I've watched him slice up more than enough people today.
Kyrene glances around at all of us from her spot across the fire. “We just got rid of a monster. We should be celebrating.”
All of us lift out heads a bit and catch each other's eyes. Alex glances away from me quickly.
Beside me, Jimmy stiffens. “We shouldn't celebrate death. Even his.”
Kyrene doesn't look surprised. Her dark eyes soften. “That's your problem-- you're too serious when it counts. That's why we've never slept together.”
She gives him a tight smile, half mocking, waiting to see his reaction. I expect him to reprimand her or something. He is the one with the highest rank. But then he smiles, a bitter yet similarly teasing smile. “We've never slept together because I respect you too much.”
Alex glances up from the meat, his forehead crinkling. Odessa rests against him on his shoulder.
Kyrene doesn't laugh, but her smile does widen. Even Jimmy seems to have a mischievous, yet somber glint. My foot slides on the dirt so that my knees aren't so tight against my chest and I blurt out, “Well, just so long as you two don't start, like-- right now.”
My insides contract and my hand flies up to my mouth as Jimmy turns to me with his grey eyes wide. And then he laughs, a soft chuckle of surprise.
Kyrene laughs too across the fire, covering it with one of her hands. “We should behave. There is a child present.”
Odessa half dozes against Alex's arm, showing no sign of understanding or caring. Then I get it. “You mean me, don't you?”
Even Alex smiles, though he still doesn't meet my eyes. Jimmy does put an arm around me then and pulls me to his side. I don't fight him. My insides still quake and clench at the thought of being so close to him. I remember what he looked like when he thought about killing the telepath, a girl only a few years younger than me. But his body is warm and solid. It's something real to hold onto in the dark cold forest when my head is filled with nightmares. There is something that both feels right and unusual about it. Still, I curl up against his side, closing my eyes. In this quiet moment, I believe that I can both accept him as he is and forgive him, and I can only hope he can do the same for me.
Everyone dozes after dinner. Jimmy stays up to keep the first watch while the rest of us curl up on the ground. Alex holds his daughter close, her small body held against his chest as he curls around her close to the fire. It doesn't take either of them very long to fall asleep.
Kyrene gives a soft snore, and I know she's already asleep, possibly well trained in sleeping at odd hours in odd places.
I want to go to sleep, and I could, but my mind is still active. I feel the cold dirt under me, my body still warm and tense from the day's events. When I shut my eyes, I still see the blood and though I think I've managed to forgive Jimmy, it isn't something I'm likely to forget anytime soon.
So I feign sleep, hoping to slip into it easily and jealous of how quickly Alex, Odessa, and Kyrene have fallen. Jimmy sits by the fire, spreading it out slightly, letting it dim as it slowly dies off. The light from the fire is bright on his face. It doesn't seem to bother him.
There's dark stubble on his chin and down his neck. His lips press together, and his eyes look half shut as he stares down towards the fire. He doesn't look happy. It seems like he should be. But he doesn't look it.
I shut my eyes and try to force myself to sleep. It's been so long since I was at Henri's. It's been days in the forest, and we have days more to go again. I'll be glad when we get back to buildings, even if they are creepy, rusty, old buildings that are slowly crumbling apart.
Someone stirs. I open my eyes and see Jimmy stand up from the fire. He walks towards the edge of the light, towards the trees. Half in shadow, he stops and looks back at us before walking into the forest.
I hop up and walk towards the spot he stepped into not quite sure what I plan on doing once I get his attention. “Jimmy?”
The light from the fire hardly filters through the thick trees, but I can see the shadow of him, his back to me. He pauses without a word.
I'm still not quite sure what I wanted or what I think I'm doing, but the words spill out the way all the tears I held back should have back when I was safely alone in Henri's apartment.
“I'm sorry. About the apartment. It made you mad-- not that I'm going to ask why, but I shouldn't have gone in. I didn't know. I mean, I know that's not a good excuse since I shouldn't have been in there in the first place anyway, but-- just--”
“Paula.” He says it softly, yet sternly. “Can this wait a moment? I have to pee.”
I bring my hand up to my mouth to stifle a nervous and very girly giggle. “Uh, sorry. Sure.”
I turn and walk a few steps away from him. It seem strange and a little funny that a man I've watched kill in cold blood with his bare hands needs to ask for privacy to pee.
After a few minutes, the leaves behind me rustle, and I turn to see Jimmy emerging from the woods. He stands next to me half in the shadow and half in the light, but he looks ahead at the others sleeping around the fire.
“It's my fault you're here, you know.”
I glance over at him, but he still doesn't look at me. He just crosses his arms and leans back against the tree. “What do you mean?”
“It was my plan. Alex didn't want to use you, but the only other way would have been to fight our way in.”
I roll my shoulders. “You mean that you didn't do that?”
He lifts his brows ever so slightly. “It would have been worse. Most were innocents. His telepath could have turned everyone against us with a little bit of warning.”
The telepath. It's so easy to forget about her, but she's an important key. “And that's why you couldn't just ask me.”
“But he did.” Jimmy gives a dark smirk.
“Would he have really let me go back?”
“It doesn't matter. I wouldn't have let him let you go back.”
I step back and lean against the other side of the tree. My fingers brush against the rough grooves of the old bark.
“Brandon is going to be pissed.” Jimmy says though he smiles again as if he'd expect no less. “But if he doesn't step up and take his rank after this, I don't know what else I can do.”
I kick at the dirt, my eyes growing increasingly heavy. I don't like the way he says it, but I know better than to interfere in the lives of the brothers by now. They're both going to do what they have to do for whatever reasons they're going to do it.
Jimmy doesn't say anything, not even to tell me to go to bed. We stand next to each other. It's dark, but I'm not afraid. After what I've see it hard to be scared of imaginary monsters in the dark. Especially when I'm standing next to Jimmy. Not a monster, but a man just like any other man, who's lived a different life, one that I can't even begin to imagine.
“Jimmy, will you tell me about Mary?”
He looks down at me sharply then looks up at the fire. “You should get some rest. You must be exhausted.”
I take the hint and give a nod. I take a step towards my little plot of dirt when he pushes up on the tree to stand up. He clears his throat, and I turn back without thinking.
“Maybe later. Not now.”
Another nod, then I go back to my spot. I catch a sliver of green from Alex's eyes, but I'm too tired to pay much attention. It's only when I'm on the ground, my buzzing brain slowly shutting down, that I think about it.