“No. Talk to me, Lark. Any problems we’ve had have been because of piss-poor communication.”
Mother goddess, how could I tell him what I saw? It would only reinforce that he was right and I should stay. The problem? I saw all too clearly the child with his father’s smile and golden eyes. Yet that path would lead to the destruction of the Rim.
As would the second; though it at least left life to start again.
“I think I saw what would happen if I stayed. And if I left.” I paused and he touched the side of my face.
“Tell me.”
“Neither option ended well.” I trailed a hand down the side of his face.
This. I wanted this and I wanted him. I wanted the little boy who would call me mama. My heart felt as though it would burst. Ash dropped his lips to mine.
“I don’t want to lose this, Lark.”
“We won’t.” I had to believe I could have it. To believe I could go after my father and have the fairy tale of Ash at my side and a future together.
A soft scratching at the door turned my head.
Peta spoke as though she had her mouth pressed against the wood. “Lark, you and Ash better get your clothes on. Cactus is on his way.”
Cactus.
His name shot through me, reminding me that my heart was torn in two, even if at the moment it leaned precipitously toward Ash. Scrambling to get my clothes on, I noticed Ash lying on the bed, stretched out like some sort of languorous cat who’d filled his belly with warm milk. Almost like he wanted Cactus to catch him.
Damn man. Damn me for sleeping with him.
No. I would not regret Ash. But I couldn’t stop the guilt that cascaded through me. I couldn’t tell Cactus. Not yet. Maybe not ever, if I wanted to remain friends with him.
But it wasn’t fair to string him along either.
Still, I knew I wasn’t ready to let him go.
“Get your clothes on!” I threw Ash’s pants at him.
He laughed and shook his head. “You think I don’t know you have feelings for Cactus? I would share you, if you asked it of me. But he won’t, Larkspur. We both know that. He has too much Salamander in him. Jealous bastards that they are.”
I pulled the last of my clothes on and turned my back as he laughed softly. There wasn’t an ounce of meanness in it. That wasn’t his way. He didn’t hide once he’d set his mind on something.
In this case, he’d clearly set his mind and heart on me. I jerked the door open. Peta sat on her haunches in her housecat form and stared up at me with large, too-innocent green eyes.
“Have fun?”
Heat flushed my face. “How much do you sense when I . . .” I waved my hand behind me to encompass the bedroom and a still-lounging Ash.
“Enough to know not to find you right away. I’ve been through this a time or two, Lark. Trust me to know what I’m doing.” She trotted away. “Perhaps you should follow me, Dirt Girl.”
I took her advice and hurried after the twitching white tip of her tail as she led the way back into the main hall where the training room was situated. In the minute it took to get there, I calmed myself.
I’d done nothing wrong. I’d never promised Cactus anything.
As I stepped into the main room, the door across from me swung open, and Cactus strode in. Whatever calm I’d gathered fled. My heart did a funny little jump followed by a spurt of guilt.
“Lark, you should have come and woken me.” He grinned, his bright green eyes glittering with good humor. We’d been back in the Rim for only a few days, but already he’d gained strength and health. He jogged toward me, grabbed my hand and lifted it to his mouth, kissing the back of it.
“Mmm. A bit sweaty. Been working out already?” He lifted his eyes to mine and I jerked my hand away. A rush of heat climbed my neck and I fought to get my emotions under control. I did not want to hurt him. He had been my best friend when we were children, and he’d helped me both times I had to enter the Pit as an adult even though it had been years since I’d seen him last.
Peta put herself between us, her tail twitching spastically. “What do you want, Cactus? Lark is an Ender and has duties that have nothing to do with you.”
He crouched and ran a hand backward along her fur, messing it up in a single swoosh. “Easy, Peta. I want to see if I can help find her father.”
She swatted at him, hissing a word that made my eyes pop.
“You two knock it off.” I bent and scooped Peta up, and placed her on my shoulder. “I’m going to see Bella, then I’m leaving the Rim.” The words slid out of me. As always, the timing seemed to be against me.
“That’s your decision?” Ash said behind us. His voice ghosted over my skin, bringing a rather delicious shiver of remembered pleasure. I held my ground, afraid if I turned he would be naked still. Cactus looked past me, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly.