A single drop of blood works down his chest, drawing through the smear left by his shirt. It’s a portrait of anger, of control. It’s a portrait of the despair I felt in that moment.
I fumble with the heavy packets, producing a white cloth. The sharp tang of alcohol fills space. I wrap the damp fabric around my finger, forming a point. He’s still too far to reach, so I scoot a little closer. We’re not touching anywhere, but he’s close enough to grab me.
There’s a lump in my throat. Every time I’ve ever fought.
Every time I’ve ever lost.
It builds inside me until the same sense of despair overcomes me. My finger on the trigger. My heart in pieces. My alcohol-swab-covered finger against his tanned skin, white on dark with crimson soaking through.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asks, but he must know the answer.
“You’re a sinner.”
He laughs, the sound reaching into the shadows of my heart. “And what do you think your precious Leader Allen was? Was he a saint?”
I look away, unable to face the mocking in his eyes.
His thumb and forefinger captures my chin. He makes me confront him, his green eyes serious now. “What did he do to you, little bird?”
He punished me. “The same thing you’re going to do.”
He strokes my skin, almost absently, considering this. “Did he tie you up?”
My heart jumps. Leader Allen didn’t need to restrain me. “No.”
“Did he beat you?”
Sometimes, but mostly I knew better than to fight. “Are you going to beat me?”
A slow smile. “No, little bird. You’re going to like what I do.”
Because I’ll have learned my lesson? “Please.”
His eyes narrow. “You want mercy now? When I’ve got a fucking bullet in my shoulder because of you? I’m not a merciful man, little bird. A fighter. An enforcer. A fucking bulldozer. That’s what I am.”
I swallow hard before pulling out a fresh alcohol swab. This one I have to touch closer to the wound, on the burnt skin itself. “Not mercy for me.”
He doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t even move. “For who? For whoever your precious leader sent to scare Candy at the club? Because that’s the first question Ivan’s going to ask you when we stop.”
My heart squeezes. Candy—is that her name now? I knew her as Sister Candace. I clenched my fists every time Leader Allen talked about her, half-praying he’d never find her. Half-praying he would find her so that he’d leave me alone. And the worst part is he sent my brother. His best soldier.
When the wound is clean, I pull out clean gauze and tape.
It doesn’t seem like enough for a bullet wound.
“Will this be…okay?”
“Don’t worry,” he says, sounding amused. “I won’t die anytime soon. Not before I’ve had a chance to find out your secrets. Not before I pay you back.”
I shudder, smoothing the tape over his skin. His muscles ripple under my touch.
And then I’m finished, except I don’t move away. I set the bloodied wipes aside and kneel at his feet. We’re in the car, but I have enough experience in this position to hold myself with grace. I have enough experience in this position to know what he’ll want from me.
My hands are stained red from his blood, dark and dry. I move them to his pants, opening the clasp. His large hand covers both of mine, stilling me.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he demands.
I flinch at the word fuck. It’s a plea. A prayer. I’ll give him this in the hopes that he’ll be soft with me. Because it isn’t only me he’d hurt. Isn’t only my brother. There’s another life at stake. “I’m pregnant,” I whisper.
I hadn’t wanted to tell Leader Allen, but he noticed my lack of courses. He noticed the small bump during prayers. And he declared the baby a child of God.
Luca showed no pain during the entire time I cleaned his gunshot wound.
Now he sucks in a breath. “Whose child is it?”
I meet his emerald gaze, certain of this much. “Leader Allen.”
Fury flashes across his face. “He forced you.”
He didn’t have to. There are no choices in Harmony Hills—not for women, not for children. Not for me. “I’m not sorry he’s gone.”
“No,” he murmurs. “You were ready to shoot him. Instead you shot me, because you think I’m the same.”
I see the way he looks at my body beneath the shift. I see the hard ridge in his pants when I’m near him. He wants the same thing that Leader Allen took from me. And maybe I could have survived that, if I didn’t have someone else to think about.
We stop in a city so large it takes my breath away.
There’s a hotel room with windows that look out over the buildings, so high it makes me dizzy. In that room Luca steals some of my secrets. He makes me tell him who Leader Allen sent. My brother. Alex. I don’t know whether Alex deserves to be punished, to be killed, for what he’s done, but I don’t want to be the one to cause it. My only solace is that he never returned after his last mission. Luca will have to find him first.