“You’re questioning everything. Your place in the world. Your purpose.”
I glanced at Anamika and found her listening quietly, hands demurely folded in her lap. She seemed more relaxed now.
Of course. To her this is merely another task to accomplish. She doesn’t care if what Kadam proposes ends up destroying my life. The curse of a tiger’s life doesn’t fall on her; it affects me. If I weren’t a tiger, I would…I would what?
Kadam continued, “I, too, had these concerns but then, when I thought it through, I realized that my sacrifices were for the good of my family, the good of mankind.”
The good of my family? The tiger’s curse destroyed my family. The good of mankind wasn’t number one on my priority list either, and I was pretty sure that if there was a way for Ana to give up being Durga, she’d go after it wholeheartedly.
“No,” I said.
Anamika looked up at me with a curious expression.
“What do you mean?” Kadam asked.
“No. I will not curse my past self, my future self, or any other part of myself to be a tiger.”
“But, son, you must.”
“Why must I? You said I had the freedom to choose; well, I choose to be free.”
“I don’t think you fully comprehend what this means.”
“I know exactly what it means. It means that Ren and I live normal lives. We use the power of the amulet to go back and defeat Lokesh there, which will be much easier since he doesn’t have the whole amulet. Ren can marry Yesubai and become the emperor and I’ll go to the future and find Kelsey. Everybody’s happy!”
“It doesn’t work that way, Kishan.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Why not?
“Because you cannot go back and change what already did happen. Don’t you see? If you had done it, then why are you here now?”
I couldn’t answer him. My heart and my mind were telling me to go, now, to prevent the curse from ever happening, but Kadam was right. Something had or would stop me. Otherwise I would have done it. The circular logic was giving me a splitting headache.
“It grieves me as it does you,” he added. “You must believe me when I say I’ve given this much thought and consideration. I just spent weeks preventing myself from buying Ren or from having others steal him. Leaving him in those cages almost undid me. Trust me when I say this is as difficult for me as it will be for you.”
“Then what is it you would like us to do?” Anamika asked with a sympathetic glance at me.
Wearily, Kadam sighed, and for a moment I felt a wave of guilt for lashing out at him. If anyone had the best interests of my family in mind, it was him. I knew that. It was one of the only things in the universe that was a constant. He was using the last days of his life to help us, to help me. I should be a little more grateful. But it was hard not to chafe at the idea of cursing my past self to the lonely life I’d be living. At least Ren had escaped the curse. But me? I’d spend the rest of my remaining years as a tiger.
Unaware of, or perhaps, ignoring my dark thoughts, Kadam produced a list of times and places we needed to intervene in history to create our present. The list was much longer than I anticipated, and Anamika had immediate questions such as, “How will we know what to do?” and “What if we leap to the wrong time or place?”
Kadam held up a hand. “The Damon Amulet functions like a…like a… There’s no phrase to describe it except in future terms. It’s like a cosmic GPS. Kishan will explain the concept to you. In a way, it’s preprogramed to go to those places where the timeline must be reinforced. As to the question of what you will do once you arrive, I can’t really say. To tell you might affect what you do.
“I have learned that allowing things to happen organically usually works out for the best. I must return to my own time now, but I trust that the two of you will make things right. Kishan knows of the places listed, and he will help you accomplish the tasks you must. Use the scarf to disguise yourselves as necessary, for it would be unwise for you to meet your past selves. Bhagyashalin. Good luck to you both.”
“Wait!” I called out as he gripped his piece of the amulet. “Will we see you again?”
His mouth crooked up in a wry smile. “Undoubtedly.”
As he bowed his head, wind swirled around his form, blurring our view of his body. When the wind dissipated, he was gone.
Anamika pressed her fingers to her mouth. I wondered what she was thinking and almost reached out to touch her arm. The two of us could share our thoughts if we touched and were willing to open our minds, but the brief physical contact just produced the pleasant hum we’d become accustomed to.
She slid from the diamond throne and paced back and forth on the thick rug as she read through the list. When she was finished, she passed the list off to me and waited impatiently for me to finish reading it. I blew out a breath and ran a hand through my hair.
“What are we going to do about this?” she asked.
Cocking my head, I countered, “What do you want to do?”
“It is much to consider.” She froze briefly as she finally noticed the amulet hanging from my neck. Her eyes darted to mine as if she was trying to read what thoughts lay hidden beneath the surface. When I didn’t offer up any explanations, she said, “Perhaps we should discuss this at length tomorrow.”
I nodded, knowing that I needed to tell her what had happened. I knew she hadn’t missed that there was one event, the very first one on the list, already crossed out.
Saving Kelsey
Stiffly, Anamika headed back toward her suite of rooms. Guilt rose in me and I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Yes. I took the amulet without telling her. But Kadam had said to wait until he could explain. Still, I felt as if I had personally betrayed Anamika’s trust.
As she moved deeper into the mountainside, I chose the opposite direction and emerged from the castle cut in stone onto a balcony that overlooked Durga’s garden. The night was crisply cold and the stars seemed close enough to touch. The scent of lotus and roses wafted in the air and tickled my nose.
Without pausing in my stride, I leapt over the balcony and landed in a crouch on the grass a few levels below. Fluidly I switched forms and lapped icy water from the fountain. When I’d quenched my thirst, I found a soft spot of ground and settled down for the night. The wind rustled my black fur, but the sensation relaxed me, and I drifted off thinking about the young version of Kelsey.
***
I woke at dawn and was just finishing stretching out my limbs when I caught the scent of jasmine in the air. Anamika was seated at the fountain, dipping her hand in the water and letting it slip through her fingers over and over. She appeared to be deep in thought.
Lazily, I padded over to her and she ran a hand over my back as I sat at her feet. As she continued to stroke my head and shoulders, I felt her speak in my mind—a special ability we discovered when entering the battle with Lokesh as Durga and Damon. I never got a chance to ask Kelsey or Ren if the same thing happened to them. The trick came in handy when serving as Durga’s tiger. She never had to guess what I wanted to say based on my tiger face.
What are we going to do?
I don’t know. What do you think about all this? I answered her.
I am unsure. Do I wish to undo the past—revisit battles I’ve lost, seek the ones I love? Yes! But if I change history, would I not also risk losing my brother to the demon? If I create positive outcomes where I was once defeated, do I not also lose the lessons I learned and, ultimately, lose my true self?
Growling lightly, I answered her. You’re saying I should curse my past self?
No. I am saying you should learn to embrace who you are, what you have become.
Shaking my tiger body, I responded. I’ve lost too much, Ana. The tiger has destroyed everything I cared about, my parents, my inheritance, my chance for a family, and has taken from me two women whom I loved.
Perhaps you are right, and yet, think about what the tiger has given you.