“How did he take it?”
Instead of answering, Lily spoke in a vehement rush, saying the things that were uppermost in her mind. “We need to be finished with secrets, Dad. We need to be strong enough to tell the truth and take the consequences. We need to own our mistakes. I don’t want AJ’s children growing up with a lot of pretty little lies that we tell them about our family because we’re afraid of losing face, losing authority. We’re human, fallible”—she used Edward’s word—“and life is messy. Kids need to know that. They need to know we grow up; we don’t grow perfect, and no matter how old we get, we never lose our need, or our capacity, for compassion and forgiveness.”
“You’re right,” her dad said.
“I wish I’d told AJ the truth from the beginning. I wish I’d known the truth.”
Her dad rubbed circles on her back. “I’m sorry, Sissy. I wish I’d had the guts to tell you.”
She bent her forehead toward him, resting it on the ridge of his collarbone.
“You know,” her dad said over her bowed head, “in spite of everything that’s happened, he seems calmer and more at peace. Have you noticed?”
“It’s the Shea effect,” Lily said, straightening. “I love that girl. She’s so good for him. So good, period. I’m even warming up to her mom.”
Her dad shot her a look.
“Dru is so completely herself. She’s honest about who she is—take it or leave it.” Lily shifted her glance. It was how she wanted to live her life from now on, too. She didn’t want to compromise herself. Not ever again. Not for anyone.
“They’ve transferred Erik, did you hear?” her dad said after a moment. “They’ll try him in Dallas for Becca’s murder first.”
“Clint told me. He said Erik’s on suicide watch. Win’s taking it hard. He won’t see her, won’t see any of us.” As far as Lily knew, Erik wasn’t talking to anyone except the police and, possibly, his attorney. He hadn’t wanted to be represented by anyone, and, in fact, before a lawyer was assigned to his case, he had made a full confession, admitting to both Kate’s and Becca’s murders and to the attempt to frame AJ. There was speculation that Erik had waived his right to a trial and asked for the death penalty. A court-appointed psychiatrist had certified his sanity, but Lily questioned that. Sane people didn’t commit murder. The act itself must require you to become insane, if only temporarily.
“I never realized it meant that much to him—calling me Dad.”
It should have, Lily thought, but what was the point of saying it now?
“I doubt Win’ll forgive me,” her dad said. “Not that she should, not that any of you should.”
“Give it time, Dad.” Lily picked up a stray napkin, running it through her fingers.
“I loved her—I still do love her. I loved your mother, too. I just—after she was gone, it felt—I don’t know—somehow disloyal to remarry—”
“But it was all right, conceiving a child, I guess, one you had no intention of claiming.”
“I was wrong. I’ll spend whatever time I have left regretting how I handled it.”
Lily folded the napkin. She would never have imagined hearing Jeb Axel say those words: I was wrong.
“I guess if it takes me the rest of my life to make it up to her, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll try, anyway.”
They exchanged a glance.
Lily said she would heat up some milk. “You want some? It might help you sleep.” She stood up.
He caught her hand. “I’m sorry about you and Paul, Sissy. Not just the divorce.” He paused, searching her eyes, perhaps searching his mind for whatever it was he wanted to say.
Lily found it hard to hold his gaze—it was so openly vulnerable, so naked in its appeal. It almost frightened her, seeing him so unmanned.
He let go of her hand, her glance. “I couldn’t talk about it when your mother died. I knew you needed me to; you needed me to remember her with you, but it just hurt so much—so damn much.” He looked up, blinking. “It’s no excuse—”
“It’s all right, Dad.” Lily wasn’t sure that it was, but she wanted an end to the suffering, to any further recriminations. “I caused you a lot of trouble, and I’m sorry for that.”
“When all that happened—you know, in Phoenix—Paul was—he knew the right people. He knew what to do. He promised to give you a good life. I thought he would know better than me how to keep you safe.”
Lily put her arms around him. “If I hadn’t married Paul, we wouldn’t have AJ, so how can we be sorry for it?”
“You still want to heat up some milk?” he asked, pulling free, wiping his face.
She said she did.
“I’ll get the brandy,” he said.
26
It wasn’t ideal weather for an outdoor wedding. Fifteen minutes before the ceremony was set to begin at six o’clock, the daylong immaculate blue sky had been consumed by an imposing presence of majestic, but glowering, thunderheads. Beneath them, the light was silver, the color of tarnished coins. The tiki torches Paul and Shea’s dad, Rob, had lit a while ago flickered in a capricious breeze.
“Nervous?” Lily smiled up at AJ. She and Paul, whom AJ had asked to be his best man in place of Erik, were standing with him in Dru’s garden, to the right of the peaked arbor that would serve as an altar. The knotty juniper posts were buried in the lush, deep-red blooms of an old rose, and the scent perfumed the air.
“I just hope the rain holds off,” AJ said. “It’ll kill Shea if it rains.”
“It may blow over.” Paul examined AJ’s shirt collar, giving it a little tug.
Thankfully, he had come without Pilar. Lily hadn’t known what to expect, and asking might have given the impression that it mattered. Lily didn’t want it to; she thought it mostly didn’t.
“I’m surprised so many people from Dallas made the drive.” Paul ran a satisfied glance over the assembling crowd. He nodded at a man and wife just taking their seats on the groom’s side of the aisle and went to greet them. Lily recognized Millie and Harvey Kramer and gave them a half wave. The uncertainty of her future daunted her, but knowing that after today she might never cross paths with the Kramers and their ilk again was pure relief.
“There are Kate’s parents,” AJ said. “Shea and I wondered if they’d come.”
Dru approached the couple and embraced them. Even from a distance, their pain was evident but also their courage, Lily thought. Kate’s mother pulled tissues from her purse, one for herself, one for Dru, and they dabbed their eyes. Lily swallowed.
“I feel so bad for them, and for Becca’s parents, and for Win.” AJ was tight-jawed, blinking. “It seems wrong to be this happy.”
Lily took his hand. “I know,” she said. “I feel it, too, but—”