“On the red-eye later,” Grace says. “Evelyn gave them to me last night. For me and my husband. All expenses paid. A week. We’re staying near Monteverde. All I heard was ‘zip-lining in the cloud forest,’ and I was sold.”
“You deserve it,” Evelyn says as she appears at the top of the stairs and walks down to meet us. She is in jeans and a T-shirt but has kept her hair and makeup. She looks gorgeous but also plain. Two things that only Evelyn Hugo can be at once.
“Are you sure you don’t need me here? I thought Monique would be around to keep you company,” Grace says.
Evelyn shakes her head. “No, you go. You’ve done so much for me lately. You need some time on your own. If something comes up, I can always call downstairs.”
“I don’t need to—”
Evelyn cuts her off. “Yes, you do. It’s important that you know how much I appreciate all that you’ve done around here. So let me say thank you this way.”
Grace smiles demurely. “OK,” she says. “If you insist.”
“I do. In fact, go home now. You’ve been cleaning all day, and I’m sure you need more time to pack. So go on, get out of here.”
Surprisingly, Grace doesn’t fight her. She merely says thank you and gathers her things. Everything seems to be happening seamlessly until Evelyn stops her on her way out and gives her a hug.
Grace seems slightly surprised though pleased.
“You know I could never have spent these past few years without you, don’t you?” Evelyn says as she pulls away from her.
Grace blushes. “Thank you.”
“Have fun in Costa Rica,” Evelyn says. “The time of your life.”
And once Grace is out the door, I suspect I understand what is going on.
Evelyn was never going to let the thing that made her be the thing to destroy her. She was never going to let anything, even a part of her body, have that sort of power.
Evelyn is going to die when she wants to.
And she wants to die now.
“Evelyn,” I say. “What are you . . .”
I can’t bring myself to say it or even suggest it. It sounds so absurd, even the thought of it. Evelyn Hugo taking her own life.
I imagine myself saying it out loud and then watching Evelyn laugh at me, at how creative my imagination is, at how silly I can be.
But I also imagine myself saying it and having Evelyn respond with a plain and resigned confirmation.
And I’m not sure I’m ready to stomach either scenario.
“Hm?” Evelyn says, looking at me. She does not seem concerned or disturbed or nervous. She looks as if this is any normal day.
“Nothing,” I say.
“Thank you for coming today,” she says. “I know you were unsure if you would be able to make it, and I . . . I’m just glad that you did.”
I hate Evelyn, but I think I like her very much.
I wish she had never existed, and yet I can’t help but admire her a great deal.
I’m not sure what to do with that. I’m not sure what any of it means.
I turn the front doorknob. All I can manage to squeak out is the very heart of what I mean. “Please take care, Evelyn,” I say.
She reaches out and takes my hand. She squeezes it briefly and then lets go. “You too, Monique. You have an exceptional future ahead of you. You’ll wrangle the very best out of this world. I really do believe that.”
Evelyn looks at me, and for one split second, I can read her expression. It is subtle, and it is fleeting. But it is there. And I know that my suspicions are right.
Evelyn Hugo is saying good-bye.
AS I WALK INTO THE subway tunnel and through the turnstiles, I keep wondering if I should turn back.
Should I knock on her door?
Should I call 911?
Should I stop her?
I can walk right back up the subway steps. I can put one foot in front of the other and make my way back to Evelyn’s and say “Don’t do this.”
I am capable of that.
I just have to decide if I want to do it. If I should do it. If it’s the right thing to do.
She didn’t pick me just because she felt she owed me. She picked me because of my right-to-die piece.
She picked me because I showed a unique understanding of the need for dignity in death.
She picked me because she believes I can see the need for mercy, even when what constitutes mercy is hard to swallow.
She picked me because she trusts me.
And I get the feeling she trusts me now.
My train comes thundering into the station. I need to get on it and meet my mother at the airport.
The doors open. The crowds flow out. The crowds flow in. A teenage boy with a backpack shoulders me out of the way. I do not set foot in the subway car.
The train dings. The doors close. The station empties.
And I stand there. Frozen.
If you think someone is going to take her own life, don’t you try to stop her?
Don’t you call the cops? Don’t you break down walls to find her?
The station starts to fill again, slowly. A mother with her toddler. A man with groceries. Three hipsters in flannel with beards. The crowd starts gathering faster than I can clock them now.
I need to get on the next train to see my mother and leave Evelyn behind me.
I need to turn around and go save Evelyn from herself.
I see the two soft lights on the track that signal the train approaching. I hear the roar.
My mom can get to my place on her own.
Evelyn has never needed saving from anyone.
The train rolls into the station. The doors open. The crowds flow out. And it is only once the doors close that I realize I have stepped inside the train.
Evelyn trusts me with her story.
Evelyn trusts me with her death.
And in my heart, I believe it would be a betrayal to stop her.
No matter how I may feel about Evelyn, I know she is in her right mind. I know she is OK. I know she has the right to die as she lived, entirely on her own terms, leaving nothing to fate or to chance but instead holding the power of it all in her own hands.
I grab the cold metal pole in front of me. I sway with the speed of the car. I change trains. I get onto the AirTrain. It is only once I am standing at the arrivals gate and see my mother waving at me that I realize I have been nearly catatonic for an hour.
There is simply too much.
My father, David, the book, Evelyn.
And the moment my mother is close enough to touch, I put my arms around her and sink into her shoulders. I cry.
The tears that come out of me feel as if they were decades in the making. It feels as if some old version of me is leaking out, letting go, saying good-bye in the effort of making room for a new me. One that is stronger and somehow both more cynical about people and also more optimistic about my place in the world.
“Oh, honey,” my mom says, dropping her bag off her shoulder, letting it fall wherever it falls, paying no attention to the people who need to get around us. She holds me tightly, with both arms rubbing my back.