His mother sighed loudly. “That is not your business. You go wash up like a good boy.”
“I’m thirteen years old. Don’t talk to me like I’m five. I’m grown-up, Mom. Now, tell me where you put Addy. Now!” He roared the last bit, and I squeezed my eyes tight, praying she wouldn’t hit him. He wouldn’t hit her back. He never did. He just let her hit him until she was over it. Then she would run off to her room, and he would find me.
“Her name is Addison. Addy sounds ridiculous. And do not yell at me,” she said, still sounding way too happy. “Your father will be here any minute. Let’s not fight. With her out of the way, we can enjoy our meal.”
I heard a loud crash, and I jumped back against the wall. “If you don’t tell me where she is, I’m going to throw every damn dish in this kitchen against the wall.” River’s voice sounded so much older than a thirteen-year-old boy’s.
“Please, God, don’t let her hit him,” I whispered, wondering if God would listen if I prayed for someone else. I knew praying for myself didn’t work; I’d tried that.
A loud, high-pitched squeal made my heart clench. “Let go of my arm!”
“No. I’m not letting you hit me, and I’m not letting you lock her up. Where. Is. She.”
“Please, please, please, God,” I begged quietly in the dark. He was pushing her too far.
“Ow!” she screamed. “You’re hurting my wrist.”
“Then tell me where Addy is!”
“In the hall closet.” She let out in an angry growl. “But if you go after her, I’ll lock you in the attic.”
“Noooo!” I cried under my breath. The attic was so hot and dirty. Every time she locked me up in there, I had nightmares for days afterward.
“You aren’t putting me anywhere. I’ll tell Dad,” he said. Then his footsteps drew closer toward me.
I wished he’d just leave me in here. We would both pay for this later. She’d do something terrible.
The doorknob turned, and I squinted against the light as I looked up at him. He was so tall, and at that moment, with that fierce expression on his face, I was sure he was my angel. Maybe God had heard me and sent me River.
He dropped to his knees and held out a hand to me. “It’s OK, Addy. I’m here.” His voice was gentle. Nothing like what I’d heard him use with his mother.
“If you take her out of that closet, I will call social services and have her sent away. I don’t have to keep her here. She’s not what I wanted. She’s a mean child.”
I didn’t want to go to a group home, and I didn’t want to lose River, but I kept my mouth closed. Among my options, there were two kinds of evil. I knew this one; I didn’t know the one I would face out there. I also wouldn’t have River to stand up for me.
“If you send her away, I’ll tell Dad you’re taking pills again,” River said, turning to look at her. “I know. I have proof. I’ll tell him, and he’ll leave this time. For good.”
I wasn’t sure what pills he was talking about, but her face paled. She didn’t say anything but turned and stalked away.
“Come on, Addy. She’ll lock herself away for the night now. I beat her at her own game,” he said, taking my hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Let’s get you some food.”
“Your dad is coming home,” I whispered, afraid she’d hear me and come back.
He scowled and shook his head. “No, he’s not. He’s with his secretary. Come on, let’s go eat.”
Captain
It was her laugh. Brad had fucking made her laugh enough today that I’d had plenty of opportunities to evaluate it. Telling myself that Rose’s laugh reminded me of hers was an understatement. Rose had Addy’s laugh. Even the way her eyes danced and the way she tilted her head were identical to Addy’s. It was hard to watch and listen to.
I’d had to bite back a snarled demand that she stop laughing twice today. I hated how the sound of it made me feel, because with its warmth came the sharp pain of loss. Something I thought I’d overcome years ago. I’d have to keep Rose at a distance. She was a hard worker and a single mom. I couldn’t fire her. I just had to avoid her, or I was going to crack. Emotional damage came with those memories. Even after all these years, it was a trauma I’d never forget. My actions following Addy’s death had changed me. I’d never be the same person again.
With each man I killed, I lost a little more of my soul. Even if those men deserved death, being the one to end their lives took a piece of me. I knew I’d never love again, because I couldn’t. My emotions weren’t normal; I was both haunted by them and cut off from them in a way that couldn’t be healed.