‘For God’s sake,’ he roared, ‘it’s easier to accept that you’re spinning some wild tale than believing you’ve murdered someone on our land. How am I meant to take that in? You won’t even step on a spider! What are you not telling me?’ He swivelled to face me, placing his hands on my arms and giving them a shake. ‘Tell me! What really happened down there that day?’ His eyes were filled with fury. I had broken him – driven him too far. This was a side of Alex I had not seen before. He could be overprotective sometimes, but he had never frightened me. His eyes widened as he registered the shock on my face, and he suddenly dropped his hands. As if someone had clicked their fingers, the fury faded. ‘I . . . I’m sorry. It’s a lot to take in.’
I wanted to tell him that I understood, that sometimes the basest instinct in our human nature takes control. When all you have is threatened, it’s only natural to lash out. But my tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of my mouth, and I was concerned that his outburst may have awoken our sleeping son. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling suddenly cold. Seconds passed, and all I could hear was the swish of the wind blowing down the fireplace, whose flames had been extinguished hours ago. With sharp snapping teeth, the chilling breeze invaded my territory. When I spoke, my voice no longer sounded like my own. ‘If you want to leave me then I understand. You didn’t sign up for this when you married me.’ I doubled over, unable to keep my emotions in check any longer. I clenched my hands, biting into my fist as tears overtook me. It was a horrible, strange habit I had picked up as a child, a way to silence my tears as I cried myself to sleep at night.
At last, Alex wrapped his arms around my shoulders and drew me to him. ‘It’s over. It’s going to be all right.’ But his voice was brittle. He sounded scared, which frightened me even more. He gently took my hand from my mouth, my saliva forming in long threads as it stretched from my lips to my knuckles. I blinked away my tears, seeing the indentations of my teeth in my skin. Sometimes I really didn’t know my own strength.
‘Tomorrow,’ he said, ‘I’ll go there alone.’
I could not speak. Could I bear to imagine my husband uncovering the corpse of the man I had killed? Just by telling him, I had made him an accessory to murder, risking our son being left parentless, unprotected.
Alex held me close, both of us stiff with fear. ‘Are you sure he was dead?’ he whispered. ‘Maybe he was just unconscious. Perhaps he got up and walked away. Have you thought about that?’
How could I tell my husband that I would not let myself consider it because the thought of Luke being alive was more frightening than the thought of having killed him. If I told him that, then maybe he would wonder just how much of an accident it had been.
It was the first of many theories that he brought up. I barely remember getting into bed. I can only recall lying in the darkness, my head on my pillow as I stared up at the low beams of our ceiling. Silent tears streamed down the sides of my face, collecting in the shells of my ears. Finally, we both fell asleep.
I woke sometime later, the light of the moon strong and clear as the storm silenced at last. On the side of the bed was Alex, sitting with his head in his hands. Later I would wonder if I had imagined it. Perhaps I had imagined it all.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LUKE
2002
I checked my texts one last time before I deleted them. It was a shame, really; a lot of pleasure could be gained from poring over Emma’s coquettish meanderings. Emma. The very thought of her drove a delicious shiver down my spine. It was what was unsaid that turned me on; I loved to read between the lines. It had been frustrating to go at such a slow pace, given the urgency of my needs. Soon autumn would turn to winter and I wanted to be with Emma before we broke up for Christmas and the new year. I had become an expert by now, having played the game from an early age. I tended to go for the introverted types, the ones most grateful for my attention. Nightclubs were easy pickings. You just singled out the drunk girl that was separated from her friends. The one who was too young to be there, who looked a little lost in the crowd. But Emma was different. She had real feelings for me. I wondered what love felt like. I’d heard people talk about it, but I’d never experienced it for myself.
The classroom was a whole other level and I was ready for the challenge. The risks were monumental, but that’s what made it so good. I knew the payoff would be worthwhile. I smiled as I scrolled through the texts. I kept mine to a minimum, to keep her on her toes.
Luke: Hey you, don’t forget to finish your homework for Monday.
Emma: Already done! Looking forward to showing you. x
Emma: Miss you. Wish I had art every day, even weekends x
Luke: Miss you too. More than you know x
Emma: Really? x
Emma: I’ve no idea why you’d miss me! ;-)
Luke: Who wouldn’t miss your gorgeous face?
Emma: You’re not so bad yourself ;-)
Luke: I’m going to Colchester Castle this weekend. Maybe see you there about 1. x
Emma: Great! I’ll bring my sketchpad. x
I arrived a few minutes late, so as not to appear too keen. She seemed as excited as a puppy when she saw me strolling towards her on the grass. Her grin lit up her face like a hundred-watt bulb, and all too late she tried to tone it down, though not before I caught something else in her expression – caution. The thought of getting closer to me both frightened and excited her. It was written all over her face. A shaft of golden sunlight beamed down on her spot and I noticed the two plastic cups and bottle of fizzy pop spread out on the picnic blanket amongst crisps, chocolate and shop-bought sandwiches. On her knees was her sketchpad, with some pencils next to her feet. She must have positioned herself carefully that day, out of the public eye as much as possible yet still visible enough for me to spot her when I arrived.
‘Fancy seeing you here,’ I said, squinting as I reached her.
‘Sir,’ she replied. ‘Would you like to join me? There’s plenty for two.’ She eagerly cleared a space for me to sit down. I sat on the blanket, briefly closing my eyes as I tilted my face to the sun.
‘What a gorgeous day,’ I said, enjoying the fading warmth of the sun on my skin. The weather was predicted to turn, and a cold snap was forecast for the days ahead. Such was life. Everything bright and dazzling turned cold and grey in the end. I opened my eyes to find Emma’s lingering gaze on my tight black T-shirt, which displayed my toned physique. Biting back my smile, I picked up the half-finished drawing of a nearby tree. It was mediocre at best but I looked at it as if it were a masterpiece.
‘That’s really good,’ I said, complimenting the shading that outlined the scene.
Emma shrugged off my admiration. My eyes glided over her figure as she talked about composition and lighting and I pretended to sound interested. Her short-sleeved dress was slightly baggy for her frame, as if she had lost weight since she bought it. I liked that it wasn’t too revealing. It would feel like I was unwrapping a present when I finally got her undressed. A couple more meetings like this and she would be mine. ‘So why aren’t you out with your friends on a lovely day like this?’ I said, when she finally stopped talking about her picture.
‘I could ask you the same question,’ she replied, filling our disposable cups with fizzy drinks.
‘I asked first,’ I said. ‘Fallen out with your boyfriend, have you?’
‘I don’t have a boyfriend, or friends for that matter. But I’ve told you that already,’ she said sadly.
I nodded. ‘You did, but I can’t quite believe it. Someone as stunning as you, sitting here all alone. Do you play hard to get? Is that it?’
‘Stunning? Don’t make me laugh.’ Her gaze fell to her cup. ‘As for friends . . . I don’t like hanging out in groups of people. I never know what to say. And boys . . . I don’t know how to relate to them.’ She gave me a sideways glance. ‘You’re the only person I can talk to. I don’t want to be with anyone else.’
Silence descended and I watched the rise and fall of her chest as her inner turmoil quickened her breath.
I glanced around the park to ensure we weren’t being watched before leaning in towards her face. ‘If only you could see yourself as I do. You are beautiful, and one day you’ll realise that.’ My gaze roamed over her face, so young and trusting. Her lips parted as she leaned in towards me. ‘I really want to kiss you right now,’ I murmured under my breath.