The sorrel lifted her head and scented the air.
Rocco did the same, then took an inventory of his senses. He felt the cool wind come up from the ravine, saw the changing colors that the setting sun poured over the landscape. In this minute, there was just this minute. And it didn’t hurt very much at all, really.
How long had it been since he’d taken a breath that didn’t make his chest ache? Right here, right now, it didn’t. He slowly filled his lungs, over and over, feeding on the peace he felt in that moment.
After a while, the sorrel gave a restless shake of her head and stamped flies off her legs. They turned back toward Blade’s. While she made the slow walk home, Rocco shut his eyes and focused on the waning heat of the sun; the sorrel’s gentle, rocking pace; the scents of dirt, grass, and sage; and the creak of the saddle.
There was no pain in the minutiae of the moment.
No wonder Mandy’s clients loved their exercises with her and the horses; it let them get out of their heads for a little while. Maybe she’d been right about living in the present. He could try it. He had to try something. But fuck it all, doing so was like learning to walk all over again. Mandy’s clients were relearning things two-year-olds knew, and were happy to do so, not ashamed by what they’d lost. He could take a lesson from them.
He reined his thoughts in and again focused on the moment…the sound of the locusts hopping out of the way of the horse’s hooves, snapping until they landed nearby. No pain there. Just sound.
But if he couldn’t let his mind think, if the only way to avoid pain was to avoid his thoughts and memories, he’d be right back where he was when the fucking day terrors stalked him.
He was navigating his way through a minefield.
Maybe it was for the best if he just ran through it and let it take him…best for him and everyone around him.
*
Rocco entered Blade’s house from the gym. Raw from his own thoughts, he wasn’t in a good headspace to be around the others. What else was fucking new? He decided to change into some workout gear and hit the weights hard until the house settled down.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky. Kit entered from the opposite end of the gym hallway. His hard blue eyes locked on Rocco’s. And he was pissed. Kit didn’t stop walking until they were face to face.
Rocco waited for Kit to break his deadly silence. It didn’t take long. “Jesus fucking Christ, Rocco. You ever give a thought to anyone else around you?”
“Why is my illness about everyone but me?”
“Because you don’t live in a black hole. Everything you do affects those around you.”
Rocco laughed, because really, he did live in a black hole.
“That funny?”
Rocco shoved Kit out of his way. “Get off me.”
Kit pushed back, slamming him against the wall. “Here’s how it’s gonna go. I made an appointment for you to see Dr. Kimble. 0900 Monday.”
Rocco ground his teeth. “Been there, done that. Not interested in more shrinks.”
“It ain’t an option, feel me?”
“He doesn’t have clearance to hear my story.”
“Use generalities. He’s a vet. He’ll get it.”
“They were vets, too, at Walter Reed, for all the fucking good it did me.” Rocco sighed. “Kit, I just need time.” He pushed Kit back. “And a little space.”
“We tried it your way—we gave you time and space. All it did was swallow a little more of you.”
“Mandy say something to you?”
“That’s a stupid question. The answer’s no. She never complains, but she doesn’t have to for me to see what you’re doing to her.” He ducked his head a minute then lifted it and stared at Rocco. “You know what I think? I think you took that time and space we gave you and went on an unguided trek into the center of your psyche. You got yourself fucking lost. It’s time to ask for directions, bro. You need a goddamned sherpa to get you outta there.”
Rocco shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. Kit’s description of his situation was a little too close to the mark. “I’ll go.”
“Damn right you will. Monday. 0900.”
*
It was dark when Mandy woke. The threads of her dream slowly receded. She lay quietly, trying to get herself to go back to sleep. She checked the clock. It was only eleven. She’d just been asleep for a couple of hours and now was wide-awake.
She slipped out of bed and pulled on her robe, then walked barefoot to check on Zavi. He was still sleeping soundly. Deciding a cup of chamomile tea might just be the trick to getting back to sleep, she went down the back stairs in the suite of rooms she shared with Rocco and Zavi. She’d just gotten to the first floor when she heard voices coming from her brother and his wife’s suite. Kit’s bedroom door was open.