“Tell me,” he growls, and I take a breath to shore up my courage. I’ve been best friends with White Hall Lucas since I was fifteen years old and his brother Green broke my heart. I was all set to go to the prom with Green and he stood me up when his girlfriend Cynthia suddenly wanted him back. Green welcomed her back with open arms, even though the bitch only did it because Tommy Haynes, the star quarterback, hurt his leg and couldn’t dance. Green was kind of an idiot when it came to Cynthia. According to White, he still can be, which is just plain sad.
I’ve come to love the Lucas family—from all of White’s brothers that their mother Ida Sue named after colors in a crayon box, to his sisters who are all named after flowers. And his mother, despite all of her far-out-there ways of naming her kids and her craziness, is one of the sweetest people you ever want to meet. They’re all kind, loving people who make you laugh and open their doors and hearts to you. Above them all, though, is White. White took me to the prom in his brother’s place. He dried my tears as I cried over his brother. He took me fishing and we just sort of began this friendship that’s lasted for fifteen years. A friendship I love. A friendship I hate. Hate because, though White may see me as his best friend—and I am, as he is mine—the truth is… I love him. I’m horribly, desperately, and irrevocably in love with White, and he doesn’t have a clue. I can’t tell him because there’s no way I can ruin our friendship. If he knew how much it has killed me through the years as he went from one woman to the next, it would change the way he sees me, and I can’t let that happen. White isn’t attracted to me. He never has been. He sees me as a buddy and has from day one. It sucks, but I’ve learned to adapt. I’ve had to; it’s the only way I can keep White in my life, and that is the most important thing.
“Kay? Talk to me,” he says, and the concern in his voice is my undoing, just like always.
“I’m lonely, White.”
“What?”
“I’m lonely. I’m not like you. I actually like being with another person. I enjoy quiet nights at home watching television. I like sharing a pizza and watching the big game. I enjoy being with just one person and knowing what to expect from them. I miss it. I’m lonely,” I tell him, wondering if he even realizes that the one person I do that the most with is him. It’s a stupid question, because he doesn’t. He never has understood that we spend more time together than any married couple, which was another reason I accepted Tommy’s proposal. I have to forget White. I have to get a little distance from him. I have to. I can’t keep going on like this.
“Being lonely isn’t a reason to get married, Kay. That’s not a good reason to tie yourself to someone. What if you—?”
“I want children, White.”
“What?” White asks, acting as if he doesn’t believe it, and maybe he doesn’t. He’s never wanted them. He talks all the time about how Green’s child destroyed his brother’s life. I don’t see it that way, but White never understood. “Kay, honey, you have plenty of time to have kids.”
“I’m almost thirty years old, White. I may have plenty of time, but I want to have them while I’m young enough to do things with them. I want to start living my life and I want a family. I want a home with kids, a husband, and a dog…”
“Damn it, Kay, you can’t just wake up one day and decide you want to get married. It’s not done that way.”
“I didn’t just do it one day. You just haven’t listened. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”
“Who is this man? You can’t really know him.”
I take a breath, knowing this will just make White worse. “Tommy Haynes.”
“Cynthia’s ex?” he almost screams. I wince and hold the phone away from my ear. It really is too early to be having this conversation.
“He hasn’t been with Cynthia in years,” I remind him.
“What the fuck ever. That man is as shady as they come.”
“He is not! He’s a good guy and I like him.”
“See? That right there! Like. You can’t like the man you marry, Kay. You’re supposed to love him.”
“I’ll grow to love him.”
“Or hate him. Don’t do this, Kayla. I’m begging you. Think about it for a little while. I didn’t even know you and Tommy were dating. Did you keep it hidden from me?”
“Do you blame me?”
“We don’t keep things from each other!”
“Like you didn’t keep the fact that you slept with my sister Rachel from me?”
Oops. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I really and truly didn’t. I wonder if he can tell the bitterness in my voice. Can he hear the hurt? That’s the real reason I agreed to marry Tommy. White sleeping with Rachel was the final straw, the shining beacon that said I was wasting my life dreaming about a man who would never see me as more than a buddy.
“She told you that?” White says quietly.
I swallow. Did he ask her not to? Is that why she hasn’t mentioned it? God, why does it feel like they betrayed me? Why? I shouldn’t feel that way. I shouldn’t be mad or hurt… but I am.
“Did you ask her not to?”
“Well, we both thought…”
“It’s okay, White. It’s not any of my business. But this can’t be yours, either. If I want to marry Tommy, then you should support me. We’re friends. That’s what friends do.”
“Kay…”
“Listen, I’ve got to go. I’m running late for work. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”