She said, Oh god what?
Mami woke up along with Dante when Leidy screamed You fucking traitor at me. Mami’s hair was plastered down on one side, her arms still weak in that sleepy way when she wrapped them around Leidy from behind, pulling one daughter off the other. Once Leidy’s arms were pinned, I let my hand fly to smack her in retaliation, but Mami spun her around in time so that all I caught was air.
—You’re no better than Dad, Leidy spit at me.
—Leidy! my mom yelled.
Evoking my father was still the ultimate insult, the power of it tripled by all the hatred focused on Ariel’s father in the weeks between the raid and their final departure a day earlier from Washington, where he’d been waiting for his son. But Leidy shrugged off our mom and got back in my face, squared up to me like I was someone she’d never met but was ready to rip apart. She shoved her hand in my face.
—No, you know what? You’re worse than Dad. At least he has the balls to go away and stay away.
The long nail on her pointer finger glanced my nose, her elbow jutting up high in the air, her chest pressing into mine, her next strike so imminent, so close, that I almost looked for the balding bouncer from the talk show she must’ve been channeling, willed him to jump out from the kitchen and stop her.
—You’re worse, she said. You came back and talked all this shit, you fucking promised me, and now you’re fucking bailing on us again.
—What is she talking about! my mom cried at me.
—She didn’t tell you either? Leidy said, raising her arms in the air. Of course she didn’t! She took a fucking job in California, Mami.
—California? my mom said. California? Lizet, how can that be?
—It’s not a job, it’s an internship!
But why was I trying to explain it? What did that distinction mean to anyone but me? Still, I tried to get it across; I wanted Mami to understand that I wasn’t leaving just for a job, that this chance was much more than that. And I wanted to confess that I didn’t even understand how much it might mean, that I was acting on a promise that wasn’t clear to me yet, but only acting on it would make it clear. That making this choice was terrifying.
I pushed Leidy out of my face and said, Mami, listen, it’s this amazing chance to work in a real lab with one of my professors who thinks I’m really good and I said no at first, but I can’t, I can’t say no to it.
—A lab? she said.
And I said, Yeah, like a real laboratory, like a scientist’s laboratory. The professor only asked one person in the whole school and it was me.
—Why you? How do you know this man?
—It’s a woman.
—A woman?
—Yeah right, Leidy said from behind me now. She’s obviously lying.
—No she’s not! She really has her own lab.
—No, you fucking idiot, you. You are lying.
—Why would I lie about this?
—Because you obviously think you’re too good to watch a kid all summer!
I’d fed Dante and put him to bed the night before, the only one of us who could walk away from the footage of Miami’s varied responses to Ariel landing back in Cuba late that afternoon. Caridaylis had refused to comment: she hadn’t been allowed to see him since the raid.
I said, So what if I do? What if one of us is?
—Lizet, my mom said. That is enough.
—So you’re too good to deal with this shit but I’m not? Leidy yelled. Must be nice to not give a shit about anybody but yourself!
I thought Mami yelled, Leidy, let it go. But Mami was staring at me.
—Let her go, Mami said again.
—What? Leidy said.
—You got your problems and she’s got hers. She wants to go spend her summer with some woman professor she doesn’t even know, let her go.
—That’s not what –
—Mami, are you serious? Leidy said.
—Yes I’m serious! She thinks that’s what she’s gotta do, fine. You think I’m gonna get in her way?
—Yeah, that’s your fucking job, Mom. It’s your job to get in her way.
—Not anymore it’s not.
—You guys, I yelled.
Mami turned to me and said, You know where the door is. You know where we live.
—This has nothing to do with either of you, I said.
—Bullshit it doesn’t, Leidy said.
—No, she’s right, Leidy. This is all about her. Her whole life is gonna be all about her from now on, right, Lizet? I say go for it.
Mami watched my face, her mouth twitching, and I didn’t know what to do.
—But we’re not going anywhere, she said. You go.
Her eyes flicked back and forth, not even the threat of tears in them. I waited for Leidy to jump in and say something, to make it easy for me to spit more rage at either of them, but her head turned from me to Mami, trying to decide who she hated more.
Then Mami shrugged. She said, When do you leave?
—In two days, I whispered.
—Mom! Are you for real just gonna let her –
Mami raised a hand and silenced Leidy, and in the calmest voice I’d heard out of her in months, she said, You know what? I say you go now.