We’ll talk every day. We’ll wake up together, and we’ll fall asleep together. You see, I had that light bulb moment that everyone talks about. I’m in love with Miller. I didn’t realise until now, and isn’t it terrible that it takes a tragedy to understand that? I always liked him, although he irritated me sometimes, but his passion for life and for righting his wrongs makes him a remarkable man. A man I want to spend a long time with. A man that I know can make me happy, and I hope that I can do the same for him.
Shall I tell you when I had that light bulb moment? It was when my heart stopped, when the blood froze in my veins with fear and worry. It was when all I wanted to do was walk and scour the cliffs for him. It was when the thought of never seeing him again was unbearable. It was then, Lincoln, that I realised I was in love.
I want to feel Miller’s lips on mine. I want to feel his hands on my body. I want to give myself to him, and I want to take him. I can’t do that if he doesn't come back to me.
I’ll pray all night, and when the sun rises, I’ll walk for however long I have to until I find him. And if I don’t find him tomorrow, I’ll search the following day, and the one after. I’ll ask the sea to give him back to me. Annabelle would want that, I’m sure of it. She’d approve, Lincoln, I just know that in my heart.
So, as I said, this is my last letter to you, Lincoln. It’s Miller I need now.
I’ll be forever in your debt for bringing him to me.
Dani.
I folded the letter and placed it in a fresh envelope. There was something symbolic about using a new envelope. To me, it represented a new, fresh start.
Then I prayed. For the first time in my life, I placed my palms together and I asked God to keep him safe until he was found. I apologised for my lack of faith in the past, and for the contradiction of what I was doing. However, I was desperate.
I didn’t undress and ready myself for bed. I didn’t sleep. I checked my phone constantly and resisted the temptation to contact Daniel every hour throughout the night. I watched the sun break over the horizon, and when it did, I made my way downstairs. I was at a loss as to what to do for a while. I picked up the solicitor’s letter that I’d received and scanned through it. I decided to deal with that; I wanted all loose ends tied up so I could concentrate on Miller. I also wanted something to occupy my mind until such a time, as it was decent to ring Daniel. Not that I imagined he’d slept any.
I wrote asking for evidence of Alistair’s parentage. I believed him to be Trey’s son, but I wasn’t going to just roll over. I confirmed Trey’s nationality and that, as he wasn’t a British national, I asked whether that would have an impact on a straightforward claim. I was praying that was the case, and the complication would have Helen back off.
In my mind, I’d already resolved that I would give a sum of money for Alistair, not that I would mention that, of course. I didn’t owe Trey, or his child, anything. But Alistair was just a child, an innocent party in his parents’ illicit affair. I couldn’t move forwards and put all this behind me, if I left it unresolved. It was the right thing to do, for me, and for Alistair.
I addressed another envelope and left the letter on the side ready for posting. Whether I initially thought about it or not, I felt I was closing up all that baggage I held and sending it on its way. I wanted to be clear of my shit so I could help Miller deal with his. Two broken people would get nowhere, in my opinion, but if I could be strong for him, we might stand a chance.
“Any news?” Dad said, when he walked into the kitchen.
“No, nothing. Dad, I’ve made some decisions. I’m going to sort out this Alistair thing as quickly as possible. I want to be able to help Miller with his issues so I need to let go of mine.”
“You like him, don’t you?”
“I do. I didn’t realise just how much. Is that terrible? Is it too early?”
“There’s no time limit on when you can start a new relationship, Dani. And don’t listen to anyone that would tell you otherwise. If you’ve found someone who makes you happy, then don’t let go of that chance.”
“I think, and I’m sure I’m not going to say this in the right way, but had Trey been faithful, had I not found out what happened, I might believe it was wrong to move on so quickly. But his affair has freed me in one way.”
“I can understand that, and I’m pleased for you. Everyone deserves a second chance. It can be very lonely getting old on your own.”
“Did you ever want to find another wife?” I asked, as I set the kettle to boil.
“I met someone a couple of years after your mum passed, but my focus was you children. You needed my full attention back then, and I didn’t want to share that with someone else.”
“That’s a sad thing to hear. I’m sure we would have all adapted.”
“Maybe, but I wasn’t going to take the risk. As hard as this is to hear, you have no ties, Dani. Even if you did, you go for it, if that’s what you want. You have an opportunity for a new life, grab that and don’t let go. If Miller feels the same way…”
“He does,” I interrupted. He did, didn’t he? Yes. I wouldn’t let a shred of self-doubt cloud my way.
“Then you’d disappoint me if you didn’t try to make it work with him. I doubt it’s going to be easy, he’s clearly a troubled man, but if anyone can help him heal, it’s you.”
I stepped into my dad’s embrace; it felt like all those times from childhood when I’d needed his hug wrapped up in one. His belief in me nearly brought me to tears.
“Now I just have to find him,” I said.
“I think we need to let the experts do that. Although I’m up for some more scouting, of course.”
I checked the clock on the wall to see it approaching six o’clock. I sent Daniel a text to ask if he had any news. He didn’t reply immediately, it was an anxious twenty minutes before he did.
Nothing yet. The search is about to start again, they seem convinced he moored up somewhere, and the boat broke loose, because the mooring line is sheared in half. That is such good news for us. I know we’ll find him, Dani. I’m convinced he got to safety until the weather passed and is stuck, maybe until the tide turns. I’m going to an update meeting at the lifeboat station. Dad will stay at home. I don’t think he’s doing so good. Did you get any sleep?
I sent him my reply.
Not really. I want to walk the coastline again, maybe he might have moved in the night.
Okay, let us know what you’re doing so I can tell the police. Daniel replied.
I showed Dad the text messages while I unfolded his Ordnance map.
“Where did we get to?” I asked.
Dad pointed to a red line he’d drawn. We didn’t know for sure where the boat had been found but that could have drifted for miles. The currents in that area could be ferocious.
“I think we drive to here and walk ten miles that way. The problem we have with some parts is we can’t get close enough to the cliff edge. Here is too dangerous, and this part is farmland.”
I ran my finger along the coastal path, a designated path for walkers. It made its way inland. We’d either have to trespass and run the risk of angry farmers or cattle, or miss out huge sections of the cliff face. We were banking on Miller being conscious as we had been calling out to him. If he wasn’t; we’d never see him.
“This isn’t going to work, is it?” I said, disappointed.
“No, I don’t think so. If we could get close enough, there are overhangs all along this part from the erosion, and there’s no way we should be getting close enough,” Dad replied.
The only other option was to persuade someone to take me out on a boat and sail along the cliffs. I assumed the fishermen were back out, as well as the lifeboat, and perhaps the Coastguard with their helicopter. Realistically, I didn’t think I was going to be much help at all.
“I feel so frustrated, I just want to do something,” I said.
“You know what you could do? Lincoln is going to be pretty lonely, maybe you could offer to sit with him?”
“Good idea.”
I texted Daniel back and told him I’d sit with his dad while he went to his update meeting.