“Oh sweetie, I’m exhausted. I’ve been up since yesterday, I think.” I looked at Miles. “If it’s not out of the way, would you mind just dropping me off?”
“I’ll drive you. It’ll give us time for some girl talk,” Violet said. I must’ve gone pale. “About the wedding. I would love to talk to you about the wedding photos,” she said.
“Yes, we need to do that, but if you don’t mind…”
“You’re tired, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s your big day. And that’s why I’m here.” I smiled at Shay.
“How about if Daddy drives Aunt Teddi, and you and me meet him at The Frosty Fox?”
“You and I…” Violet said.
Shay rolled her eyes. “I don’t have class until noon tomorrow, Aunt Tee. Will you meet me for breakfast?”
“Just text me in the morning.”
Shay hugged me and as she pulled away I held on to her arm. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
But she was already walking away with Violet.
“I’ll drive her home. I mean, to Nettie’s on Lark,” Beck said. “You go catch up with the girls. I’ll meet you there.”
“You sure?” Miles asked.
Beck nodded.
No one asked if I was sure.
“You’ll be over tomorrow to talk wedding, right?” Miles asked.
“Right.”
“Well, good night, then.”
“Night,” Beck and I said in unison.
“Which car is yours?”
Beck pushed a button on his key fob and the lights in his SUV flickered nearby. My heart pattered in time.
“You’re still close to Miles.”
Beck’s eyes narrowed; the smile and light he had around Shay had left. Please, Beck, say something. Don’t make me do this alone.
“I’m Miles’s best man.”
“Wow, I had no idea.” The best man, who will be in all the wedding photos. My throat burned and my eyes stung as pressure built.
“Of course you didn’t. How could you? Miles and Shay are still my family. And Violet’s great.”
So I’d heard. So I’d seen.
“It’s not too hard for you? It’s none of my business but—”
“You’re damn right it’s none of your business.”
I jerked back.
“Don’t look so surprised. You went away. Disappeared. The rest of us stayed and helped each other through everything. If anything, it made us all closer.”
“I can see that. I just…”
“Just what?”
“I never stopped caring, you know.”
Beck walked away and then turned around. “Bullshit!”
I stepped away.
“Don’t yell at me. This isn’t easy for me either.” My voice cracked and the words sputtered through. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t behave like someone who’s sorry.”
“I know. But I am.”
“You’re sorry you left or you’re sorry you left without saying good-bye to me?”
“Both.”
“You expect me to believe you?”
“No.” I patched the holes in my ego with the truth. “But it’s true.”
*
It was the longest ten minutes of my life.
“Why did you insist on driving me if you’re not going to say one word?”
“So Miles could celebrate with Shay and Violet. This art class is a big deal. Shay had to submit a portfolio to get in and this was her first show.”
“A portfolio? At twelve? I didn’t know that. She’s amazing.”
“You’re right. She is.” Beck clamped his lips, then opened them. “So, you two were thick as thieves before we left.”
“I suppose you could say that.”
“Everything okay? With Shay I mean?”
I placed the brochure on the center console between us. “She wants me to do this.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s a photography contest and I’m a photographer?”
“You’re a wedding photographer.” His emphasis was condescending.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It’s not supposed to mean anything. It’s just what you are, right? Isn’t that what’s on your fancy business card?”
“Wow, Beck, I—”
“Do it if you want. Not like there’s anyone stopping you, but don’t you think the scales are unfairly tipped in your favor?”
“How so?” How was anything ever tipped in my favor, especially in the past five hours?
“You already get paid to do this. Isn’t that enough recognition? How much attention do you need?”
“Oh my God! I wouldn’t be doing it for me! I’d be doing it because Shay asked me to do it. Like the wedding.” He thought so poorly of me. I’d earned that. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure she’ll forget about it by the morning.”
“I wouldn’t count on it.”
“Why not?”
“Did you stop to think it might not really be about the contest?”
I waited for him to say more.
“Of course you didn’t. I’ll spell it out for you, but only because I don’t want Shay to get hurt. She wants you to have a reason to come back, or at least to care. But you’re right, it was probably nothing. How could someone possibly think you feel a connection to here?”
“You don’t live here either.”
Beck sighed and shook his head. “No, I don’t. I live a whole hour away. But I didn’t shed this place like old skin the way you did.”
Be brave.
“We need to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk, Teddi. Not now. I just want to get through the week. I’m happy for Miles, but you’re not the only one who remembers that if Cee were here, none of this would be happening.”
I turned away, my selfish veil falling between us. I opened the car door but stayed in my seat.
“I’ll see you at the wedding rehearsal.”
“I’m not going home until after the wedding, so you’ll probably see me tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“It won’t be intentional, don’t worry. You’re back in Chance. If you walk around the block—”
“I know. You see everyone twice.”
*
I sat on the porch swing, watching moths buzz around the lights, that flanked the front door. They bumped into each other to reach the glow. That’s the way people were drawn to Celia. In good times and in bad, even fucking cancer bad.
After Celia had been diagnosed, it was never again just plain ordinary cancer, as if that was a thing. It was fucking cancer. The kind that couldn’t be blasted or banished. The kind that didn’t last long, except for eternal consequences that began when I went back to my apartment and climbed into a bottle of wine, before Beck arrived and pulled me out of it.
“We can’t fall apart when Cee needs us the most,” he’d said. “Pull yourself together.”
Soon, “You’ll be all right” had turned into “We’ll be all right” and we’d moved next to each other on the couch. Over Chinese takeout and bubble tea, Beck and I became grown-up friends and confidantes, and had planned to see each other the next night. And then, the one after that. To talk about anything and nothing. To watch movies that made us laugh and forget. To eat food that Celia couldn’t bear to smell. To cry when happiness was unbearable.
After a month, he kissed the top of my head.
Took you long enough, I’d thought.