The engine purrs smoothly as the tyres grip. The car bumps up, then down, as it carefully manoeuvres over the uneven ground. I’m closing in on the flattened hedge in the rear-view mirror when there’s a gurgle from somewhere underneath. It feels as if I’m moving sideways and there’s a gloopy glug, then the car jolts upwards, shooting over a bump and creaking before I ease off the accelerator.
‘C’mon,’ I whisper. ‘Do it for me. I’ll give you a nice clean in the morning.’
I try again, a little more forceful on the accelerator this time, and the car shunts up and down like an old wooden roller-coaster cart. I’m momentarily bounced around in my seat and then the car slaloms into an abrupt descent. The verge is shallow and there’s a fleeting, fearful second where I’m convinced I’m going to be trapped. It only lasts for a blink. The moment the rear wheels touch the tarmac of the road, the car zips back, temporarily out of control until I spin the steering wheel and find myself staring down the shadowed country road, out of breath. The headlights beam into the distance but all I can see is tarmac and the leafy, silhouettes of hedges on either side.
And, breathe…
The maps app really has got me in the middle of nowhere. There’s green on either side for miles, no sign of anything even close to civilisation until I zoom out. I was in the Grand Ol’ Royal hotel south of Birmingham, not far from Royal Leamington Spa. Now, somehow, I’m around twenty miles closer to my home in Lincolnshire. Depending on the speed limits and route, that’s at least thirty minutes lost. I suppose I was driving – who else could have been – but all I have is one gaping dark hole.
I spend a few seconds zooming in and out of the map, looking around the local villages, wondering if I’ve ever been in the area. It’s easy to conclude that this spot is so far out of the way that, unless someone lives here, no one would voluntarily be in these parts. Not unless there are some rural pubs serving mountainous Sunday roasts, of course. That’s about the only reason anyone I know ever visits the countryside.
The engine is quietly idling and I wonder if I should call the AA. The membership card is in my bag, the number stored on my phone. They’d get me home safely, but what about the questions? How could I explain away the smeared blood, or the gap in the hedge? They’d probably call the police. I’d be breathalysed at the very least, possibly charged with careless or dangerous driving. They’d ask question after question and I don’t know the answers myself.
As I pull away carefully, I keep an eye on the verges, hoping there’s something that might explain at least part of what has happened. As before, there is no sign of an animal, or anything even close. The most interesting thing is an abandoned traffic cone, caked with muck, that’s been dumped further along the hedge.
If I had hit something, it’s hidden by the night.
If, I tell myself. If I hit something. Something, not someone.
Ignoring the obvious is the only thing I can do for now. It’s not like there was a freak rain-storm of blood; the splashes must have come from somewhere.
After a mile or so, I decide that the car’s fine and there’s no point in driving so slowly. Whenever I reach a junction – which isn’t often – I check the phone in my lap to make sure I’m going the right way. It’s after fifteen minutes or so when I realise that ‘right’ way is the route home, not the way back to the hotel. I’m on autopilot, searching for some sense of normality among this madness.
Concentrating on anything feels like hard work. The road blurs and it’s only the frequent bumps of potholes that keep me even close to alert. My reactions remain sluggish and it’s almost as if I’m watching myself drive, rather than being the actual driver. Perhaps this was the problem in the first place? I left the hotel for some reason, started driving home, got lost, and fell asleep at the wheel.
There are stories like that in the news all the time. A lorry driver swerves off the motorway after falling asleep. That would explain waking up in the field, even if it doesn’t clarify why I left the hotel or why there is blood on the windscreen.
Perhaps I bumped my head at some point, which explains the amnesia.
Or, I assume it does. When it comes to memory loss, my only knowledge – if it can be called that – comes from ludicrous soap plots and stupid movies. Amnesia is a staple.
It hurts every time I try to force the memory – and there are only flashes. I remember the beech wood of the hotel bar, the row of wine glasses above my head. There’s the carpeted, wide staircase that felt so illustrious. The hard bed, the tightly tucked covers.
After a while, the B-roads link onto the A-roads – and then it’s not long until I start to recognise landmarks. There’s a petrol station I’ve stopped at a couple of times. The interior lights are off, though the price board is lit up like a capitalistic Christmas tree. Another mile and there’s the pub where Dan and I once came for lunch many years ago. It’s boarded up now, left for the rats or the developers, whichever gets to it first. There are two skips in the car park and the only indication of its previous life is the faded name board facing the road. It was packed when we stopped. There used to be a carvery and even the walls smelled of meaty gravy. I wonder why we never returned, then it occurs to me that I’m still thirty miles or so from home and it was probably a decade ago anyway. Perhaps longer. It’s passed in a blink. Olivia would have been young but I don’t remember her being with us. She might have been at hockey practice, or at a dance show. That was back when she had hobbies. It’s hard to remember specifics and a long time since Dan and I used to drive aimlessly, looking for somewhere new to eat.
Perhaps it was my na?vety but the world felt simpler then.
The rows of street lights have taken hold now, eating away at my sluggishness. The A-roads are now the suburbs, with sprinkled red-brick housing estates. I slow for a zebra crossing, even though there’s nobody waiting. I’m stabbed by the thought that perhaps I shouldn’t be driving. There’s a play park off to the side, a multicoloured climbing frame plonked on that soft black matting they have nowadays. There are swings and a roundabout and imagining the children who might play here during the day is straightforward enough. What if I have that thing where people fall asleep for no reason? I could be a danger to those kids, a danger to myself.
I wonder why I’m only thinking of this now.
If other people found themselves in that field, would they have acted differently?
I let the window down a centimetre or two for a token bit of fresh air. Something to keep me awake.
The housing estates have become rows of shops, though nothing is open. The shutters are down across the front of the betting holes but lights are on inside the giant Lidl. I keep going, sticking to the speed limit, though edging through a nonsensical red light that’s giving priority to traffic that isn’t there at this time of the morning.
My heart rate quickens when I see the first car since I hit the street lights. A battered dark blue Vauxhall cruises towards me on the other side of the road and I feel sure the driver knows I’m guilty of something. My fingers are trembling on the steering wheel as my gaze drifts towards the other driver. It’s a young woman, twenty or so. I’m guessing she’ll be on her way home after a late shift in a factory or something similar. I feel sure she’ll notice a patch of blood on my car but her eyes are fixed on the road ahead.
Probably where mine should be.