I had no choice that night, with you holding Jack, a piece of meat dangling in your arms. You punched me to the side of my head; I crumbled to inflexible concrete. By the time I looked up, you were strapping Jack into your car. Then I was yanked to my feet, walked forwards, my arm bent behind my back, as you opened the passenger door. ‘Would you care to join us after all?’ A beaming smile, displaying near perfect teeth. My blood cooled to icy temperatures. It wasn’t an option; I had to accept.
I had reason to be terrified. A voice whispered in my ear – this was to be different, unlike all those other lessons. We were divorced, for one. I’d finally said NO to you. No one said NO to you. Had you finally lost control? Were they emotions I saw carved through your expression? Felt, not used? A malfunctioning, out-of-control robot, with no off switch.
In silence, we drove further into the depths of the sparsely populated Cotswolds. No one to disturb us; you’d thought this through. Unremitting rain, perilous lanes. Dark and antagonistic. Abandoned by light. My clammy hands gripping the cold leather seat, pure fear pinning me back. None of us uttering a word.
Finally, you swung the car into the side of the bramble. Only the ticking of hot engine between us. You released your seat belt, swivelling to face me. Jack silenced, squashed behind. My panicked form caused a smile on your face as you ran a manicured finger over the curves of my cheekbone. First on the left, then, without a word, on the right. I clasped my hands together, to hide the shaking; conscious of showing – I wasn’t composed but also not flustered. Either could have been costly.
You spoke to me. ‘This needn’t take long, need it? Needn’t be too painful.’ You paused to tuck an escaped tress gently behind my ear. ‘You know what I need from you. Give it to me, then we can move on. I’m prepared to allow you this one last chance, Eve. One chance is all you have. My flash-drive – I know you stole it,’ you said. ‘You’ve surprised me. A thief, you – even I didn’t appreciate the depths you’d sink to. Even I thought you were better than that. You never do really know anyone, do you? A thief?’
My heart hammered. ‘Are you scared, Eve? Come on, you’re with me now.’ Your breath, misting the surface of my skin. ‘Didn’t I always tell you – I’d take care of everything?’ You traced your finger from my chin bone to my throat. ‘Remember, those good old days?’
Your lips slightly on the upturn, how your face lied. ‘You know, Eve, I am asking you out of politeness more than anything; however, you really have no choice here. Perhaps give a thought to Jack. Possibly, he’s seen enough, don’t you think?’ You angled your head to smile at Jack, as I sensed him squashing his angelic form further back into his seat.
You snorted, moving your finger from my throat, pressing a fist into my seat. I resisted the pull of leaning closer to you. ‘Considering those many lessons you made me teach you.’ You shook your head. ‘Really sad. Could all have been avoided.’
You sick, sick bastard.
‘Or does your twisted little mind believe I wanted to punish you?’
I dared not speak. I didn’t trust myself. I tensed the muscles in my legs in an attempt to conceal their trembling.
‘Eve? Time is running out. Make your decision.’ You smiled. ‘Please.’
I rummaged through a fogged mind. My trump card was the flash-drive. I needed to think, and quickly, but the intelligent parts of my brain had deserted me. How to get Jack and me safely out of the car without handing over the trump card? Once away from you, it could be our only security against you. My secret weapon. I could feel my mobile digging into me, in the back pocket of my jeans. My number was already linked to the police Quick Response database. Their idea of reassurance when the detailed notes of your repetitive battering was eventually forced to light
You clicked your fingers in front of my nose. ‘Eve?’
‘The flash-drive, yes, I’ve got it at home,’ I said.
‘I know,’ you said. ‘So, how are you going to do this? Are you going to behave yourself? Let me have back what’s mine? I’m prepared to let the matter pass this time. If you behave.’
I knew this would never be the case. You would never leave us alone, especially if I no longer held what you wanted. Your dark, opaque eyes looked through me. You had no lucent windows to your soul, did you? Only void panels, obscuring the cogs.
You tapped my leg. I flinched. ‘After all this, shall we say…’ you waved your hand ‘… misunderstanding? Perhaps you should consider seeking some help. Psychological help?’
I knew your game, trying to rile me. I locked my tongue to the roof of my mouth. I’d never thought of myself as a killer, but given the chance…
‘I, amongst others,’ you said, ‘can see you’re sick, Eve, mentally unstable.’ You guffawed. ‘How paradoxical. An insane psychologist.’
Rebound your repulsive words, I told myself. Play the game.
I nodded. ‘You may have a point,’ I said. ‘Perhaps I would benefit from some help.’
‘At last, she speaks words of sense.’ You spun to Jack. ‘Did you hear that, Jack? Your mother has admitted she’s deranged. Should have recorded those priceless words. Damn.’ You slapped your thigh, laughing. ‘Could have used it, couldn’t we, Jack?’
Again, I fantasised beating my ex-husband to a pulp. ‘I shouldn’t have taken the flash-drive,’ I said.
‘My flash-drive.’
‘Your flash-drive. It was wrong. I see this now.’
So accomplished at reading your eyes, I saw the transition from ridicule to one of self-pity. Betrayed, you were accepting my spurious words. I couldn’t allow you to indulge; it could backfire. Submissions, apologies might strengthen my case but pleas and begging would destroy it. Conductor of a psychopathic orchestra, listening and watching, each and every change in tone. A game of chess, but, like the pawn, one step forward in the wrong direction, I’d be taken.
Could you smell my fear? I could.
‘I’ll take you home,’ you said. ‘Stay by your side, all the time, until I have the flash-drive in my hand. Jack will remain in the car. You see; I simply cannot trust you, Eve. Far too many lies. Such a waste. Really. We could have been something together.’
‘Yes.’ I nod.
‘You’ve learned your lesson, I hope.’
We waited in cold silence for the windscreen to demist, before retreating. My mind racing with the dark jagged shrubbery hurtling past. My heart pumping against the tightness of the seat belt.
‘How is your friend Sam?’ you asked.
‘I don’t see her anymore.’
‘No. Of course, you don’t. I forgot. Another lesson learned, I suppose. Shame, I always liked her. Different, from you.’
No, you didn’t, I thought, you hated her. You couldn’t have made it more obvious. My heart ached. Why didn’t I try harder? I’d missed her so much.
I subtly rolled in my seat, straining to get a glimpse of Jack. Somehow, he’d fallen asleep. Exhausted by heightened emotions. I regarded his pale innocent skin, pocket-sized pudgy hands. My poor, beautiful Jack. He didn’t deserve this. We travelled on, a family in serene silence. Son, peaceful in sleep, Dad, humming the tune of rightfulness, Mum, deep in her imagination. From the outside in we were the perfect little unit, fitting the expectations of society seamlessly. Passing by undetected.
Time was trickling away. I needed help, to send a text before it was too late; once we were back at the house, it would be too late. With no choice, my only hope, I’d to ask permission to send a message to alert the police. The acerbic taste of bile. In silence, I practised a calm, subservient voice. I need to text… No, I mustn’t state my needs. I’m just going to… No, I’d be dictating to you. One, two and three…
‘Gregg. I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but…’ You changed gear, without acknowledgment. ‘I’ve a friend popping by later.’ I felt you tense. ‘I was thinking, I should put her off? We didn’t arrange a fixed time. I mean, she could arrive, unannounced, any time soon.’
You sighed through your nose, your diagnostic brain ticking over.
‘You have your mobile with you?’
‘I do.’
‘Send her a text, cancel. Now.’
With my heart in my throat, I reached for my mobile. And began typing my message with timorous fingers, the screen angled slightly away from you, but not enough to make you suspicious. Holding my breath, I hit send, then hurriedly returned my phone to my back pocket.