“You look tired, brow—” His words froze in his throat before he could finish the sentence that would have ended with a nickname she could no longer hear from his lips. “You need rest,” he finally said after several awkward seconds.
“You could have let me know when you were putting Titus down,” she said as they walked, side by side, un-touching, appearing more as acquaintances than true mates. True mates touched without conscious thought. The need was so great they rarely occupied the same room without touching each other in some way—the way it was supposed to be. “I would have come to tell him good night.”
“I tried to tell you,” he said as he tapped his temple. “But it’s Fort Knox up there.”
She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing. They walked in silence to their suite, though she could feel his eyes on her when he periodically glanced over. She didn’t meet his gaze but simply looked down at the ground, allowing his steps to guide her.
After the door clicked shut behind them and the lock slipped into place, Sally felt the all-too-familiar panic begin to rise. It had started two days after she’d returned home. Every night when she and Costin were getting ready for bed, she seemed to grow more and more anxious. She felt as though she needed to crawl out of her own skin. She couldn’t even look at the bed before it was time to climb in because it caused her to become short of breath.
Sally didn’t feel like she belonged in Costin’s bed anymore. She couldn’t even think of it as their bed. Every time she laid down, her mind was filled with images of her skin polluting the sheets with her filth. And when Costin wrapped his arms around her, she was sure her toxic memories would poison him. The healer didn’t know how to just stop. She didn’t know how to be Sally anymore.
“I can sleep in my wolf form on the floor,” Costin said. He was standing several feet away and made no attempt to get closer.
“How did you…” she began, but he cut her off, shaking his head.
“No, I can’t hear your thoughts, but your face, I read loud and clear. You’re staring at our bed as if it is a lion’s den and glancing at me like I’m the lion. Doesn’t give me great confidence that you want me in it with you.”
And now she felt like she wanted to puke. She was doing this. She was causing him to feel uncomfortable in their own home. Why couldn’t she just get a damn grip?
“Hey” His voice softened, and he approached her slowly, as though she were an injured animal that might lash out. “Whatever you’re thinking, Sally, it’s alright. It’s going to be alright.”
The breath whooshed out of her as her hands fisted at her side. “How can you possibly say that? First of all, you have no idea what I’m thinking, and second, you don’t know if everything is going to be alright. You don’t know if we’re all going to get blown up by some whacked-out terrorist or if a massive hurricane is going to wash away half the world. You. Don’t. Know.” She bit out the words through gritted teeth. Her jaw was clenched so tightly she wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d broken off some teeth. “And frankly, Costin, I don’t think it’s going to be alright. I think it’s about as far from alright as we can get, and the chasm from not alright to alright is just too damn big.” She was breathing hard by the end of her rant, yet he looked as calm as ever.
“You done?” he asked, his voice gruff and his eyes glowing with his wolf. “Get ready for bed, and then get some sleep,” he said when she didn’t respond.
“There’s no point in even getting into bed. I can’t sleep.”
“I’m sure Rachel could help or perhaps Alina could give you an Alpha command,” he said, a suggestion Costin had made before and she’d yet to accept.
Sally shook her head. “I don’t want anyone messing with my mind. It’s had enough damage done to it.” She turned and scurried toward the safety of the bathroom. At least there she could lock the door and wallow without an audience.
“Sally, don’t shut me out,” Costin told her.
“It’s safer this way, Costin,” she said as she stepped into the bathroom and turned to face him. “You don’t want to know what’s in my head. I promise.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m your mate, your husband.” He nearly growled. “I not only want all of you, dark thoughts and memories included, but I deserve all of you. I have a right to all of you. You cannot do this alone, and no one expects you to, least of all me. It’s only been a week, Sally mine. Give yourself time to heal.”
“It’s not like I have the flu,” she yelled back. “My body hasn’t been injured. No amount of time will fix what’s been broken. Don’t you get it? I’m. Broken.”
“Even broken things can be put back together,” he said as the fight seemed to drain out of him. His eyes continued to glow, but he took a step away from her. “I’m not going anywhere, Sally. I’m going to help put you back together. I understand you’re hurting and maybe things seem hopeless, but if you’re expecting me to just let you lay down and die, then you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.”
Tears had begun to flow down her face at some point while he’d been talking. She could hear the sincerity in his voice. She knew in her soul he was going to stay by her side, but it was her mind that was questioning everything she once knew to be true. With nothing more to say, she shut the door. His eyes never left hers, and she knew he was still staring at the door after it closed.
Sally turned and pressed her back against it and slid to the floor. For the first couple of days, she’d been able to be close to Costin. She’d allowed him to touch her and allowed herself the same liberties with him. But then the nightmares started, and the fragile healing that had begun was ripped apart. All that was left were her emotions, raw and exposed. After the fifth night of troubled dreams, death started looking like a pleasant alternative to the hell in which she was living.