The blanket bunches under my hands and I feel an ache in my knees as I’m thrust forward. Lucien’s hands bite into my hips as he fucks me from behind and I feel the sting of tears in my eyes. All this should turn me on, but all I want to do is cry. Since the night he came to my apartment we’ve been seeing each other, but only after Lucien made sure I knew it was just for sex. Before he let me know it would never be anything else. I still can’t believe I agreed to it. We don’t do much talking. In fact, we don’t do much of anything unless it involves us both being naked.
Lucien won’t let me touch him. He insists on having the room pitch black while he strips most of his clothes from his body, keeping his tee shirt on. This makes me nervous each and every time, until he cups my face in his hands and kisses me. As soon as our lips meet, everything flies out of my head. He arouses me like no one else ever has. He reaches a part of me that I didn’t even realize was there. A lump catches in my throat because as much as this means to me, it means nothing to him. This thing between us is he and I letting off steam, giving each other a mutual release. For me, it’s so much more because my heart has gotten involved, which is why I feel close to tears.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve felt a shift in Lucien. He still kisses me with as much passion as he always has, but when we come together, he makes me face away from him. As though he can’t abide to look at me, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I’m really not sure I can go on like this anymore.
I love him and to walk away from him would break my heart in two, but being with him like this is starting to make me sick. I’m a complete mess lately. I’ve lost weight. I’m avoiding my friends because I know they’ll end up finding out what’s going on. And my best friend is Lily, the very woman I should be confiding in, is the woman who has Lucien’s heart. I’m positive that she does, which is why he warned me this could never be anything else.
But today, for the first time, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to hold my tears at bay.
Lucien continues to pound into me as his hands start to roam up my body to cup my breasts. As he starts to pinch my nipples, his position changes, which causes him to slip deeper. I’d usually explode in pleasure at this point, but my lust for him has disappeared today. A first.
My tears seep out from the corner of my eyes as he rubs my clit, but my body is unable to react to his touch the way it usually does. I feel empty, devoid of passion and lust for the only man I have ever felt love towards.
“Fuck!” he growls, gripping my hips again. He does a couple more thrusts before I feel him coming inside me, my name on his lips in a whisper when he does.
We don’t use anything after having the protection talk at the beginning—I’m on the pill and he’s clean having not had sex for years. I found this incredulous at first, but with how he uses my body as though he’s making up for lost time, I believe him.
There’s nothing like feeling him sliding inside me bareback. He makes my toes tingle with pleasure—usually.
Lucien collapses on top of me, pushing me into the quilt before rolling onto his side and slipping out of me. He doesn’t touch me while he’s catching his breath.
Feeling lost and neglected, I curl into the fetal position away from him and let my tears fall. I won’t be doing this again. I can’t do this to myself anymore.
“Sabrina?”
“What?” I can’t keep the tears out of my voice.
“You usually come first. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you next time.”
If he cared enough he’d be saying he’d make it up to me now not next time.
Without looking in his direction, I roll from the bed and quickly dash towards the bathroom. Once inside, I lock the door, and turning the shower on, I climb in and sink to the floor with tears streaming down my face. My body starts shaking as great wracking sobs take over. This is what he’s done to me. I should have said no when he asked me for sex, but…I hadn’t and I’m now paying the price with a broken heart.
What’s wrong with me? Why do guys think I’m good for sex, which before I met Lucien I was very naive about?
Somehow, I need to work up the strength to tell him I’m not coming back, but how? How am I going to walk away from him knowing that if I’m not here for his needs then he’ll find someone else? It will make me sick seeing him with someone who isn’t me. But being with him is slowly making me sick.