Sam sighed. He glanced down at the tattoo of a horse head partially covered by cloth on his forearm. It was how they used to train wild horses way back when, throwing fabric over their eyes so they wouldn’t get spooked by their surroundings. They’d have to submit to the rider’s commands. Surrender.
Sam mulled over everything that had happened in the past month. Lorraine. Penny. What Lorraine had said about everyone knowing he was poor. And how Penny told him no one mistook him for someone who had his shit together. Hiding was not a coping mechanism. It was delusional. He had to let go.
“I should have told you and I’m sorry,” he said. “I was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, and when you showed up here I felt overwhelmed.”
“You should have told me,” she said.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t ready to tell you personal details solely because we were related at one point and thrown together a bunch when we were kids.” Sam stubbed his cigarette out and looked at her. “I take longer to warm to people,” he said.
Jude nodded again, but this time there were tears in her eyes. She blinked, and they coursed down her cheeks to fall off her chin in fat drops.
“Jude,” he said.
“You seemed mad at me or something,” she responded.
“I’m not mad at you. Please don’t cry.”
Jude nodded, and despite the tears, she was smiling. “My therapist says I think everyone’s always mad at me. It’s equal parts my upbringing and my egocentrism.”
Sam laughed.
They rocked the swing in silence.
“The thing is,” she continued, “I’m also very perceptive. And I get now why you guys did what you did. Speaking of which, you’re both so lucky you have unlimited texting. You know she couldn’t even pee without taking her phone into the bathroom? I could hear her laughing in there.”
Jude smiled then.
“News flash,” she said. “At some point, your girlfriend might have been taking a dump while you were flirting with her.”
Sam promptly removed any indication from his brain that Penny pooped.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” Sam said. His voice cracked on the word “friend,” which made both of them laugh.
Jude swatted his arm with the back of her hand. “That’s what I don’t buy,” said Jude. “You guys both say you’re friends or whatever, but you kept me in the dark because this is way more than that. Seriously, no heterosexual friends in the history of penises and vaginas are that into each other. Plus, you dress like twins.”
“Penny helped me through a dark time,” Sam said. “Me and my ex went through this crazy pregnancy scare.”
“Whoa,” breathed Jude. “MzLolaXO?”
“Her name’s Lorraine!”
“Whatever. But she’s not pregnant now?”
He shook his head. “We thought she was pregnant, but she wasn’t. Or she was technically. It was complicated,” he said. “I thought I was in love with her and I wanted so badly to be with her. So I was this completely insane combo of happy and freaked out at the same time.”
“Wow,” she said, and after a beat, “Can I have a cigarette?”
“Hell no.”
“Fine,” she replied. “Tell me more.”
“You want to know the most psychotic part of it?”
She nodded.
“Part of me was so happy she’d be stuck with me.”
“Ew,” said Jude. “Like you’d trapped her?”
It was so ugly when it was worded that way.
“I was out of my mind trying to figure out a way to get it under control. I had this panic attack and I thought it was a heart attack. It was insane and scary and I had no one to talk to. That’s actually how Penny and I became friends,” he said. “Right in the middle of when I thought I was dying, she found me on Sixth Street and took me to the emergency room. You should’ve seen her. She was so mad at me because she was terrified. She kept reciting these statistics on coronaries and feeding me nuts and making me drink her horchata.”
Jude snorted. “Sounds about right.”
“I thought that by not telling anyone else, it would make it less real, you know?” he said. “She was my anxiety sponsor, my emergency contact, and it was perfect. The only reason she didn’t tell you is because I told her not to. I didn’t want you to know about any of this. I didn’t want anybody to know.”
“I would’ve made a pretty good anxiety sponsor,” she said softly. “You didn’t have to blow me off so many times.”
“You’re right,” he told her. “I’m sorry about that.”
“You know, I’m going through things too. Believe it or not, I’m not normally this needy. My parents splitting up is a big deal to me. I know you’re not a huge fan of my family, but it hurts my feelings that both of you basically pretended not to hear me when I needed to talk.” Sam watched his niece’s eyes water. Jude seemed so happy and capable that he hadn’t considered she might need anything.
Sam wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “You’re right,” he said again. “I did a shitty job of hearing you.”
Jude sniffed. “I need people on my side too, you know.”
“Of course you do.”
They sat.
Sam thought back to Jude as a buck-toothed kid. It was a miracle she’d turned out so sweet given her upbringing.
“God, I wish Penny were here,” she said. “I need a tissue.”
They laughed. Sam wished she were there too. He had no idea what the hell he’d say to her.
Jude leaned over and jabbed him in the ribs. “I know you’re a real person or whatever, but, Sam,” she said, “you’re not that old. You’re basically a kid too. You’ve got your best screwing-up years ahead of you.” She nudged him with her leg. “So everything’s okay with Lola?”
“Lola’s swell.”
“And what about Penny who’s in love you?”
Sam laughed. “I don’t know that it’s a thing,” he said. “Me and Penny, we’re friends. Good friends. I put her through so much already, between talking her ear off about me and Lorraine. She knows everything about me, even the terrible stuff, and I don’t know . . .”
Sam thought about the kiss.
Penny’s pink, coaxing mouth was insane in real life. Out of the metal box. In meatspace on Planet Earth. Her lips were so full that it was as if they were smushed under glass. And her skin. And how she’d looked as she’d appeared to realize how incorrect it all was and sprinted from his room. He felt a tightening in his chest.
“Nobody knows anything,” said Jude. “But you know how Penny’s from a different planet?”
Sam nodded.
“So if you like that one, where the hell else are you going to find another one?”
PENNY.
As far as Penny was concerned she deserved an award for making it to any of her courses. She sat in J.A.’s class in a daze. If she hadn’t sent in new pages yesterday, she would have ditched.
This was it. It was time. And I was ready. Tonight would bring the culling, the beginning of the Forfeiture, when I would refuse to lay down my life. In preparation I’d convinced Mother to stay here with me. Four days. It was her longest stay yet and I could feel the quickening. I was becoming more powerful the more tired she became. Our interlacing was complete, yet she worried about me, my behavior, why it seemed that I, her Anima, had turned on her during a time when we should feel closest. When she departed for the un-here, I was confident she’d be back. By now I could move around in the game of my own accord. I didn’t have to wait for her or heed her.
Animas never misbehaved. There was trickery, yes, rather an impish naughtiness at times, but an outright revolt didn’t exist in the gameplay. Until I made it exist. Mother became increasingly devoted to me the more unpredictably I behaved. On the morning of the Forfeiture she was agitated. Distracted. Almost incoherent. She spoke of other responsibilities and of duty. Mere hours before we would depart for Soludos, embarking on the lair of dragons, she left again. Again she promised she’d return. And again I followed her into the light and voices. It was mayhem. I heard sobbing. An animalistic howl. Mother was crying. There was another baby. An Anima in the “un-here” they called Love. And Love was dead.