“No, Austin. You were dying with me,” she rasped, knowing that it killed her to say that.
“The first time I saw your face, I thought to myself, damn, this beautiful girl is goin’ to be the death of me. You were perfect in every way. I was a cocky son of a bitch who needed you then, as much as I need you now.”
More silence.
“I had a dream about you, baby. I always fucking dream about you. In my dream, you had a ring on your finger. A ring I put there. You belonged to me. Only mine. Forever fucking mine. You were pregnant, Briggs. You looked so goddamn happy. I saw light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in years.”
She sniffled into the phone.
“I made love to you. Slow, just the way you love. Taking my time to touch every last inch of your body. Memorizing every last bit of you. Making you come until you begged me to stop. I didn’t.”
“I can’t—” she tried to interject, but I didn’t let up.
“I kissed your stomach. Our baby. Letting my lips linger there, whispering sweet lullabies, letting her know Daddy will always be there. Baby, it was so real. For a second I gave you the one thing you so desperately wanted, the one thing I can’t seem to give you.”
“Why are—”
“After we were done, I just lay there with you and our unborn baby, both of you wrapped in my arms, the only place where you belonged. Unforgiving thoughts plagued my mind as I carefully moved you away from me, making sure not to wake you. I went into the bathroom and I got high. You found me. You always find me. Except this time… I died in your arms. You couldn’t save me, but it didn’t matter because the best part of me was already growing inside you. When I woke up, I was alone. I’m always alone, Briggs, even when you’re near me. I can promise you the world. I can promise you a life. But even in my dreams, baby, I’m haunted.”
“Jesus Christ, Austin,” she wept. “Where are you?”
I opened my eyes, finally taking in my surroundings. As if I was being woken up from a dream within a dream. I couldn’t tell what was real or lucid. Confused by my own reality. It was then that I looked down, the needle still firmly placed in my arm.
“Where are you?” she repeated with a shaky tone.
I shook my head, trying to find some clarity. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, baby. I love you, Briggs. I love you with everything that’s left of me.”
“Austin, where are you? Please, tell me where you are?” she whimpered, panic taking over.
I took a deep breath and murmured, “The place I hate.”
Once again…
Pushing in the syringe.
<>Briggs<>
I drove with my heart in my throat like every other goddamn time before this.
I hated him.
I loved him.
I love him.
I slammed on my brakes, shoving my door open before my car was even fully shifted into park. The stench of the drug den immediately assaulted my senses, making me sick to my stomach that he was there.
I ran through the abandoned warehouse that he had told me about so many damn times on my voicemail. Ignoring the random junkies that were hollering at me, pleading for more drugs, begging for another hit. I tried my best to sideswipe the filth, piss, shit, and garbage all around me. I sprinted past the graffiti walls, covering my nose and mouth, trying like hell not to inhale the mold-contaminated air and decay that had taken over the shithole. Piles of trash surrounded the dirty mattresses and chairs, infested with rats and ghostlike junkies that appeared dead but could have been alive. I knew where I would find him. He always called from the same spot, leaving me voicemail after voicemail. Describing the back of the warehouse that looked over the harbor.
I turned the corner, and saw him. My once favorite maroon beanie placed securely on his head. I couldn’t control my emotions.
I hated him in that second.
I despised the love I still had for him in my broken, fucked-up heart in that moment.
I slowed down as I got closer, my calculated steps slow and precise. I wanted to face him. I wanted to look into his eyes like I had done so many damn times before, even though I knew there wouldn’t be anything but a hollow existence. A shell of the man I once knew gazing back at me.
The truth was eating me alive as if I was dying right along with him.
I couldn’t do it.
Not anymore.
I stood behind the tattered couch, staring at the back of his head. He nodded off. The craving completely took over me, rotting its way into the empty space that now held his soul.
I shook my head in disgust and bewilderment with tears streaming down my face. This was all that was left of him.
No more I love you’s.
No more I promises.
No more tomorrows.
No. More. Austin.