Beast: Learning to Breathe (Devil's Blaze MC #5)

“She’ll be as safe as she ever was. I don’t intend to look at her again, let alone talk to her,” I tell him, and that’s the God’s honest truth.

Exhausted, I walk away. I’ve already talked too much. I want to forget the fucking world and crash with a bottle of whiskey and darkness. Is that so much to ask? Behind me, I hear the woman tell the man she’s ready to go. I don’t look back, but for some strange reason I want to. Her voice is softer than it was yesterday, but I can still hear the anxiety in it. That’s not why I refuse to turn around. No, it’s those pale eyes of hers I want to gaze into. Because in them, I think I see as much pain as I have mirrored in mine. I relish in thinking that someone else has suffered as much as I have. I enjoy the idea so much that I want to see it again—but I deny myself that comfort.

“Let’s get going, Hayden. I was just saying goodbye to Michael. You’ll like having him as a neighbor. I know you like your solitude, but Michael is the name of God’s most trusted archangel. He’s the one who leads the battle against evil.”

Fuck. It’s been awhile, but I feel a rusty laugh pull up from my chest. It ends as more of a cough, but it was there.

“I’m no angel, Rev,” I toss out carelessly over my shoulder, as I keep walking away.





6





Hayden





I’m so mad at myself. I acted like an idiot. It was a combination of the way he looked and the blunt way he talked. He left me feeling rattled. The expression on his face didn’t help. He looked so…angry. His sexual remark slapped me across the face, and since I was already a little panicked…I became an idiot.

“You did really good today, Hayden,” Pastor Sturgill says, as he pulls into the parking lot of the diner. He’s dropping me off. Then a co-worker, Liese, will take me home. I would have driven myself, but the Pastor always insists he takes me to stock my baked goods at the stores. I think he worries about me. He along with my boss, Charlie are the two that helped me four months ago, when I was at my worst. He’s appointed himself my caretaker and unofficial counselor. I feel safe around him, so I can’t deny his council helps. I take a deep breath before turning to him.

“Not so good around my new neighbor. He’s going to think I’m crazy, Pastor Sturgill. Maybe I am.”

“You’re not. You’re rebuilding your life and Michael is…well, let’s just say he’s bound to remind you of things in your past that you don’t want to remember.”

“Maybe, but I should be the last person to cast judgment at the way a man dresses or looks. I hate when people treat me like that, just because they think they know my past.”

“You’re going to be okay, Hayden. You don’t see it because you’re a little lost right now, but you’re a very strong young woman. That baby inside of you is lucky to have you.” He smiles, glancing at my stomach.

His words should warm me. My hand goes to my stomach, and instead of warmth, I’m filled with fear. What if I fail her? I look out the window, trying to shake off the worries and sadness.

“I hope you’re right, Pastor Sturgill.” I look at the sky and frown. “It looks like we might be in for some rough weather.”

“The weather forecast mentioned some severe storms. You have emergency supplies, right? In case the power goes out?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you for your help today. I wish you’d let me pay you for the gas. You can’t keep doing this for free.”

“I can and I will. It’s a blessing to be able to help you. Stop trying to take away my blessing, Hayden.”

“Whatever you say. Thank you, again. I really appreciate it.” I open the door to get out and I’m outside, almost closing the car door, before he speaks up again with the same question he always asks me.

“You coming to church Sunday? We sure would love to have you.”

“Thank you…I might,” I tell him the lie, then I close the door before he can give a reply.



I got through my shift at work, because I didn’t have a choice. Charlie always takes it easy on me, making sure I have time to catch my breath, and giving me the easier tables; if she didn’t I might have already quit. It also helps that the diner is never really busy.

Liese dropped me off ten minutes ago, and I’m standing outside my door like an idiot, holding the one loaf of banana bread that I kept from earlier this morning. The rest of the stuff sold, and I have more money in my wallet than I’ve had in forever. I’m even hoping to get the mattress for Maggie’s crib after work tomorrow.

I look at the banana bread I saved. I didn’t really think this through. I wanted to give it to my new neighbor as an apology. I was hoping he would be outside when I made it home. He’s not. I can see the chrome shining on his bike, under the shed. I know he’s there, but when I look at the large, black barn with the shiny silver tin roof, I know there’s no way I have the nerve to take it to him. Oh well, it will keep. Maybe he’ll be out tomorrow, and I can give it to him then. I walk into the house with one last look up at the barn. When I lock the door, I repeat the words to myself that I hope will someday be true.

I’ll be stronger tomorrow.





7





Beast





Some things even alcohol won’t kill. It might be rotting my liver, but it sure as hell does nothing to stop the memories. There are days when I wonder why the fuck I don’t swallow a bullet and end it all. That seems like a fucked up way to go out. I was hoping the war with the Saints would pan out, and I could have at least gone out in a blaze of glory. Staring at the bottle of Jack I’m holding, I observe that it’s only half gone, but I’m losing my taste for it. The liquor isn’t doing what it needs to do. Maybe nothing can.

They turned the lights on today, but I’m still sitting here in the dark. I like the darkness better. It matches my mood. There’s a storm outside. Rain is pounding on the tin roof, and lightning keeps flashing and casting quick bursts of light through the windows. It would be peaceful to me…if I could ever find peace again.

Annabelle used to hate storms. They scared her. She’d get in bed with me, and I’d hold her while telling her stories to ease her fear. Funny how little things like that are what you miss the most. There’s so many moments to choose from, but it’s the simple times I shared with my baby girl that I miss the most. When I remember them, they feel like they’re burning a hole inside of my heart. Rubbing my chest, I close my eyes.