SESSION TEN
I know, I am early today. I woke up thinking about everything you told me when you called, and I am so sorry that you were worried about me last week. Thinking about the past and then the present problems. Too much. Like the Americans say, when it rains it pours. But talking to you clarified many things for me.
You were right, I had to find a way to make things correct with ángela. If there is one person in the position to help me in this moment, it is her.
Like they say, la interesada has to put on the batteries. So I watched Channel 15 every minute and finally saw ángela in the lobby coming home from work. She was wearing her mo?o profesional, and when she is like this she has a difficult character. But I was ready. I put on the lipstick, took the stairs to the sixth floor, where she lives, and waited for her to get off the elevator. Qué susto I gave her, santo Dios. She was tired. She had bags under her eyes. Taking care of the children without my help is too much for ángela. For sure, she was drowning.
When she saw me, she said, Not today, Cara, and she tried to walk away from me. But I grabbed her arm. I didn’t want to make a show in the hallway, but it was my only opportunity to talk.
Don’t be like that, I said.
I want to go home, she said.
Is this about Julio? Por Dios, ángela. He doesn’t even remember that I yelled to him a little bit. Did you want me to let him destroy the house?
Cara, you’ll never understand.
You give too much mind to things, I said. This is the problem. Every little thing is a big thing with you.
Let me go, please. The children are waiting for me.
I come with you, I said. I need you to help with something.
Of course you do! You always need something, she said.
I was shocked. Me? I never need nothing. Yes, sometimes I need help with the burocracia; who doesn’t? But many things I do by myself. You know this about me, right?
I told her if I am such a big burden, then I will never bother her again. I told you that ángela wanted me to disappear, right? You see, family is a burden to her. For me, taking care of the children is a pleasure—but she needs to understand that I don’t want them to grow up like animals. It’s incredible to me that for her to help me—?le pesa! It’s like I am asking her to carry a bag full of shit.
I told her, Don’t worry, when you leave to Long Island you will never have to see me again.
I asked her for so little in my life. When Fernando left me, she didn’t cry for me. You know what she said? She said, Do better. What kind of expression is that? I am sure it is from one of her books. Do better. Do better. I work more than every other person I know. I do best. More best than best. I would not be surprised if she, like Lulú’s daughter Antonia, is in the therapy and spits on our mother. And now spits on me. ángela has no idea the sacrifices I did. No idea. Not only for her, but her children too. Ask Lulú, who sometimes asks me to go dancing with her in El Deportivo, but I always say no. Why? Because ángela, who works very hard all week, wants to go out on a date night with Hernán every Friday. Ha! Even to have fun and make the love there is the schedule. So I stay home and watch the children. It’s a pleasure for me, but still, ángela, cuánto me jode.
Like I said, I didn’t want to make a show in the building. I wanted peace with ángela. But ángela screamed. No words. Just screamed. So we made a show. Everybody appeared and watched. Lulú, Tita, La Vieja Caridad, Hernán, Yadiresela, Milagros, Julio, Glendaliz, the blanquito from the fifth floor, everybody rushed from upstairs and downstairs to see the show. And ángela does not like to make a show. She gets mortified when people see her true character. But it was too late. She was encendía—and she had a lot to say.
Like what? Ha!
She said I make her crazy!
She said she was tired of being responsible for me. That because of me she has been stuck in Washington Heights living in a tiny apartment with three children, sharing one bathroom. In Hato Mayor, her apartment would be a big palacio.
I told her it’s better to stay in Washington Heights and save her money, but for the record I never told her she couldn’t leave. I told her why did she want to move to so far away to a place with strange people? I thought she was staying for Hernán, who worked in the hospital. But now me lo saca en cara that she stayed for me? ?No me jodas! ?Co?azo!
She said she was tired of managing all my documents. Like why has it taken me five years to file for citizenship? She said without citizenship I don’t qualify for all the benefits. She said she’s tired of worrying about what will happen to me if I don’t find a job. Then she said that I never tell her anything.
Like what?
Like the surgery! How do you think that makes me feel, she said. If something happens to you, you are my responsibility.
You knew about the surgery? I asked her.
I know everything about you! she said.
I was shocked. Pero shocked.
So, I said, OK, OK, I declare you free. Go! You have no more obligation to me. You’re free from me.
I walked away, started to take the stairs to my apartment. Everybody was there to get the chisme of the hermanas Romero.
ángela followed me. When Hernán tried to stop her, she pushed him away.
Cara, I don’t want to lose you. I just want you to stop.
Stop what? I asked her.
Stop being like Mamá. You can’t help yourself. Always with the insults and negativity.
What are you talking about?
Cara, you always say to me: ángela you’re so flaca. ángela you’re so American. ángela you’re not maternal. Do you know how I felt seeing how easy you make Yadiresela stop crying? I did everything and she didn’t stop crying. And then you picked her up, y mira, immediately she stopped. I am maternal! I am a mother too! And you attack everything I do like you were such a good mother, like you didn’t push Fernando away. I remember how he got so anxious and tense when he heard you opening the door. You know what he said to me? Tía, I can’t relax around Mami. Imagine that. Imagine what that must feel like to be home and never be able to relax. Qué horror. And I always defended you. I said, Be patient with her. I told him how hard our mother was on us. But co?o, Cara, you were relentless with him.
Because I loved him!
You have to learn another way to love, she said. You have to.
What do you mean?
You can start by apologizing, and meaning it, she said.
For what?
For scaring Julio, to start. For doing something I explicitly asked you not to do.
But he was—
Cara, just say you are sorry, Lulú said. She was standing there, seeing everything.
But—But—I would never hurt Julio. Never, I said to both of them.
Cara, you are my sister and I need you, ángela said.
You need me? When she said this, ay, my chest. Ha! Vindication. She needs me. I told you she needed me.
Of course I need you. My children need you, ángela said. But I want my children to grow up feeling safe in the house. To know that they can tell me anything. I want them to look to my face and see what I see in them: Possibility. Beauty. Intelligence. We cannot be like Mamá. We cannot. We have to change. If you want to be near my children, Cara, you have to change, or we will be stuck here forever. Do it for Yadiresela. Do it for Fernando. Maybe, if you change, he will come back. Have you ever thought about that?
ángela’s eyes were full of water. I tell you, she never cries. She holds it inside. I let it out. That is how we’ve been all our lives. Even when my mother almost killed her, she held it inside, and that only infuriated my mother more.
I’m sorry, I said. We could’ve done things differently.