IN WHICH WE ARE INTRODUCED TO A BOY
INSTEAD OF TAKING her usual turn, Celeste parked the car on Mt. Auburn Street, hid behind sunglasses, and walked the brick sidewalks aimlessly. Bordered by the college campus and the Charles River, Harvard Square was her comfort zone. She accepted a flyer from someone offering discounts on hair coloring and another from a guy with tight bright blue pants, which announced auditions for a lead singer for his band. She crumpled the papers into her pocket.
And so she walked and walked. She let her mind go numb because once in a while, it was okay to shut off. Instincts guided her until she found herself sitting on a bench facing the river. This was her bench. It was where she came for solace.
The location was a source of both never-ending pain and deep healing. It was where Finn died in a car accident in the dead of winter. She thought about it every day. Erin had been struggling with severe, blinding depression and had taken off in the car, probably totally unaware of what she was doing. Celeste had the devastating experience of walking home from a piano lesson and coming upon the accident. She saw the shattered glass strewn about the street and sidewalk, the crumpled hood, and most of all, her brother’s body, lifeless on the icy snow. He’d been in the backseat without a seatbelt, having jumped into the car at the last minute to stop their mother from driving.
Being here in the spot where he died was always a safe place for her. She could connect with a time in her life when things felt easier. When she had been happy. She sighed. There was no way that she could do this, get through this year and then survive college.
Finn had never succumbed to a challenge. Quite the opposite. The desire to face challenges and go at something full force had defined him, He would be very displeased with her hopelessness. If she pretended that he was next to her, guiding her, encouraging her, pushing her hard, maybe she could navigate the rest of high school and then take on college.
She stopped herself. Celeste knew that she was now in dangerous territory. If she was at a point where she was reverting to imagining that her dead brother was standing next to her, then things were bad. Almost three years of carting around a life-size cardboard cutout of him had taught her a thing or two about dysfunctional coping. Flat Finn remained, thankfully, folded on his hinges, safely in the attic.
Clouds were beginning to infiltrate the blue sky, and the October wind off of the Charles made her shiver. Still, she watched crew rowers glide across the water and did not budge from her spot.
“Celeste?”
She startled. “Matthew! What are you doing here?”
He sat next to her. “Just came down here to walk on water. Perform a few other miraculous antics. You know, the usual.”
“Of course. The wind is picking up, so I do hope the upcoming rough waters will not thwart your plans.” Even Celeste could hear the lack of affect in her voice. She was tired.
“You don’t sound right.” Matt examined her. She tried to turn away, but he reached for her sunglasses and lifted them up. Matt waited until she met his look. This is what Celeste hated, the worried expression on his face and the clear concern that she was a disaster. Matt awkwardly rubbed his fingers under her eyes and over her cheeks.
“Matthew, stop that. I am perfectly fine.” She hoped that her voice was convincing. “I’m probably just still sweating from yoga.”
“I had no idea you were into yoga.”
“Well, I am. Or I was. It may not pan out into a full-fledged lifestyle after all. And you cannot possibly keep up with all of my activities,” she said hurriedly. “This is a busy time for me, both socially and academically. In fact, I should probably get going because I still have a busy day. It’s got to be after four o’clock already.” She stood. “Would you like a ride back to your apartment?”
Matt tipped his head to the side. His dirty blond hair blew into his eyes. She could see that being by this bench was emotional for him too. Both of them were quiet for a moment.
Finally Matt answered her. “Sure. But let me buy you a cup of hot chocolate first. Okay?”
“Were I five years old, a cup of hot chocolate might sound lovely.”
“A different hot beverage then.” Matt got up and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Let’s hang out for a while.”
She paused. It was hard to say no to her brother, and his presence was already helping her a bit. “I gladly accept your invitation.”
They walked silently down JFK Street and into the weekend hubbub of the center of Harvard Square. She stopped them by the window of The Curious George Store. “I used to love those books…” she said.
“Pfft. I always thought the Man with the Yellow Hat was a condescending ass.”
“Matty!” Celeste scolded him. “He was not! He was in charge of a mischievous monkey. He had a right to show the occasional spark of irritation. And more so, he was forever coming to George’s rescue.”
“If by ‘in charge’ you mean that he kidnapped a perfectly happy monkey from his doting parents and illegally took him from the jungle, and then tried to confine him to a zoo, sure he was a shining example of being in ‘charge.’ And what exactly does the Man do for work, huh? Something nefarious if you ask me. All that money? Fancy yellow cars? And what’s up with coordinating his hat to his car? Or… his car to his hat? Which came first?” Matt shook his head. “So many questions.”
Celeste swatted Matt on the arm. “You are hopeless.”
“Seems to be the consensus.”
They crossed the Brattle Street intersection as Celeste asked, “Why would you say such a thing? You are not hopeless. You are the opposite.”
“Oh, nothing. Sorry. Ignore me.” Matt slowed to look into the windows of The Coop.
She waited for him, taking in the diverse Harvard Square crowd. She did love how everyone, even she, seemed to fit in here. There were no rules, and there was a spot for the oddest of the odd. Take the homeless man who wore a plastic crown and rode through the mass of people on a unicycle while reciting Bible verses? Hardly anyone gave him a glance. Skaters, professors, hippies, business people… Everyone belonged, no matter what individuality or stereotype they embraced. Cambridge was home for her. How on earth was she going to leave here next year? Perhaps she should go to Harvard and stay right where she was. She could live at home, after all.
But just then a group of chattering, smiling students walked by her, one of them with a Harvard jacket on. And it hit her again: even at college, even at Harvard, there were social expectations that could not be avoided. College did not just take place in isolated classrooms.
The yoga thing clearly hadn’t panned out, but something else would need to. Celeste was not about to turn up at an Ivy League school without making dramatic changes to herself.
“Hey,” Matt said. “There’s a tea shop around the corner on Church Street. I feel like we should have tea.”
“I do not like tea.”
“Me neither.” He scooted through the crowd.
She quickened her pace to keep up with her brother. “Then why must we have tea?”
“Because you’re clearly part British.”
“I assume you are referencing my speech patterns.” She sniffed and lifted up her chin. “That is not funny.”
“It’s a little bit funny, my Victorian sister.”
“One cannot help one’s tendencies.”
“Then we shall have tea together, shall we not?”
“Fine. But I expect this place to have Shrewsbury cakes and rout drops. Perhaps even cocoa flummery.”
“See? Told ya you’d like having tea!”
“I will not like it. I am guessing that I should prepare for a stale scone and a flavorless hot beverage, so I will instead rely on your companionship for enjoyment.”
“Then you’re definitely in trouble.” They walked a few blocks, and then Matt held open the door to the tea shop. “After you, m’lady. I want to hear about your visit to Yale last weekend.”
With her hands warming up as she cradled the tea cup, Celeste gave a short summary of Yale. It was… Yale. What was not to love? Beautiful campus delivering one of the top educations in the world, intense academic pressure, highly astute and brilliant professors. Things Celeste loved. Or should love.
“You don’t make it sound very exciting.”
“It was,” she said dryly. She was having an inexplicably difficult time mustering enthusiasm. “I… I suppose that I do not want to get my hopes up should I be denied acceptance.”
“Celeste? They asked you to come for an interview. You’re getting in.”
“There are other schools to consider. I am keeping a compare-and-contrast chart of different colleges. We shall see which one comes out on top. There’s Dartmouth. Harvard… those. What are the others? I don’t know. Those silly schools…” Her voice trailed off.
“What?” Matt leaned in. “Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?”
“Huh? Oh… oh dear.” Celeste shook her head and smiled. “I am not sure what came over me. Really, all are highly desirable schools. I will be delighted to accept any one of them.”
“Obviously Harvard is Harvard, but you don’t want to stay at home. Trust me. Get out while you can.” He winked. “Really, I don’t know how you could find a better fit than Yale. And it’s not too far, so I can come down and embarrass you in front of your friends.” Matt nudged Celeste in the arm.
“Actually, I would adore having you visit, Matthew.” She didn’t know what else to say. Yale, Princeton, Cornell, U Penn… They were all blending into one collegiate blob. “Perhaps when you come to visit me, you will take the opportunity to extend your travels.”
“And to where else, I dare ask, do you suggest I travel?”
“Why not explore our great country. The west coast, as a random suggestion. California has lovely weather, really, year round.”
“Celeste…” Matt warned
“It is merely a suggestion. Los Angeles, I believe, is beckoning you.”
“I sense that a Julie conversation is upon us, so let me just stop you right there.”
“Julie and I still email each other,” Celeste said, “And text. Why do you not do that with her?”
Matt did little to hide his exasperation. “You know we’re not together. Therefore, we don’t go around texting each other adorable things.”
“I did not say that the communication exchanges had to be adorable.”
He crossed his arms. “What exactly should we be talking about then? Just minor chit chat? The weather? I could say, ‘It’s cold and miserable here like it always is,’ and then she could say, ‘It’s sunny and fantastic here like it always is.’ Would that make you happy? Because it wouldn’t make me happy.”
“I did not mean to upset you, Matthew.” Celeste did feel terrible now. She knew that Julie was a sore subject. Still, there was always the hope that they might recapture what they’d had together. She had very much liked Matt and Julie as a couple, and their separation still hit Celeste hard. “You could send her a picture of you in that T-shirt. It is very much what she calls ‘geeky.’”
Matt glanced down at his shirt, and Celeste was pleased that he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
“See? She would find it amusing. Never trust an atom. They make up everything. It is quite funny. You two could engage in a friendly exchange.”
“And then what? It’s done, Celeste. It’s been done for a long time.”
“But I have concerns that you live alone and that you do not have a girlfriend. There has been no one since Julie, has there? Two years, Matthew. That is a long time.”
He glared at her.
Celeste missed Julie, too. Julie who had swooped into their lives when Celeste had been thirteen. Julie who had captured their hearts and taught them to save themselves from the paralyzing, dysfunctional grief that had taken hold after Finn was killed. The pain nearly destroyed the family, but Julie’s presence in their lives slowly undid many of the tight knots that kept them from moving forward. And in the process, Matt had fallen in love. Deeply in love. But now that was over.
“You are a grown up now, Matthew.”
“Oh my God, I’m a what?” Matt gasped and flailed his hands around. “How did this happen? When? It’s not fair!”
Celeste rolled her eyes. “You are terribly funny. I know that I made an obvious statement, but I hate to see you age and not have a great romance in your life.”
“You hate to see me age? Are you aware that I’m not a hundred years old yet? I mean, soon, of course, but I have a little time left before I reach for my walker.”
“I suppose you do. But the proverbial clock is ticking, and I say that as someone who has no affection for proverbial expressions.”
“Celeste…” He sighed. “I don’t want to talk about this. Please.”
“I apologize. I do. We can go back to discussing my collegiate future.”
Two mugs of tea later, brother and sister returned to the cold. It was getting dark now, and the street lights and neon signs lit up the street. Celeste tucked her arm into Matt’s as they walked. “Matty?” she said softly.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
He looked as his feet as they walked. “Nothing to thank me for.”
“That’s not true.” She leaned her head on his shoulder and squeezed his arm. “I suspect that to others, right now we may appear to be a romantically linked couple. But I enjoy looping my elbow with yours, so I do not mind.”
“Don’t be gross,” he said with a laugh, “although this is the closest thing to a date that I’ve had in a while.”
“At least you have had dates in your life. I have yet to experience even one.”
“That will change, you know. I promise.”
“No. I don’t believe it will. It feels clear that romance will not be a part of my life. I don’t hold that appeal.”
“Celeste, stop it. Don’t worry about dating right now. As your brother, I’ll say that it grosses me out to admit this, but you’re a beautiful girl and must have guys all over you. I bet you’re just being picky. As you should. And, frankly, I don’t think you should date until you’re forty.”
“No matter. I am fortunate to have such a solid, dynamic group of comrades. Truly. It really is special to be part of the so-called ‘in crowd.’” She flinched. This was a particularly hideous lie, Celeste thought, but it reassured Matthew. “Yet, in terms of dating, if males are drawn to me for my appearance, they are soon discouraged by my other qualities. Eccentricities, of which I know I have many, do not hold universal sexual and romantic lure. I understand that.”
Matt stopped them, and he looked her in the eye. “Listen to me. You don’t need to give a crap about universal anything. You give a crap when you have love that defies boundaries. That’s it.”
“Is that what you had?”
He paused, clearly uncomfortable. “I thought so.”
“But it was not enough. Not enough to make you try with everything you had.”
“Stop.”
“You did not. Or you would be with Julie. I know that you are fantastically in love with her. Still. But that does not, I gather, matter.”
“That’s different. Circumstances changed. She got that great job in Los Angeles with the UC–Davis study-abroad program. She had to go. I mean, she’s in charge of creating programs in different countries and communicating with universities all over the world. It was an amazing position for her, and she earned it. And I had to stay here for M.I.T. ”
“So there. You have proved the point. If you and Julie were not able to rise above simple challenges such as location, I decidedly cannot rise above what is clearly a more catastrophic set of problems.”
“Location is not simple. And what about you is catastro—“
“Wait! California!” She stopped short and jerked Matt back.
“Huh?”
Celeste scanned the street. “I just remembered something.”
And there, across the street from them, was Border Cafe. It was already five-thirty, past the start time of the Barton event. Not that she would have gone inside anyway. Church Street was bustling tonight as people headed for their favorite restaurants and bars, and a line was forming outside The Brattle Theatre. She moved her head to see past pedestrians. A young man in a bright blue hooded sweatshirt and black down vest stood out front, holding open the door for diners who were entering and exiting, and he did so with such style that Celeste couldn’t help but be intrigued. Each time he reached for the door handle, he simultaneously performed a dramatic bow, complete with a sweeping hand gesture, followed by a quick, full-body spin. The patrons were eating it up.
“It has a slightly tacky sign, does it not?” she murmured.
“What has a what?” Matt asked.
“That restaurant. I have never noticed it. I was invited to something there tonight, but I politely declined.”
“You’ve lived here your entire life and never noticed Border Cafe? I’ve failed you as a brother, clearly. You want to grab dinner? I feel a craving for a margarita or nine.”
“What? Now? No. No, certainly not.” But she could not take her eyes off the boy who stood out front. He bounced on his toes a few times and then hopped in the air and landed by the door just in time to let out more customers, who he then saluted very properly and marched alongside with high knee-lifts as he escorted them to the next block. The three girls giggled in response to his antics as the boy dashed back to his post.
“Hello?” Matt waved his hands in front of her face. “Celeste? What are we doing? If we’re not going in, then let’s go. It’s getting cold.”
“Sure. Okay…” But she watched the boy. “Let’s cross here.” She dragged Matt across the street, causing a taxi to brake hard.
“No, that’s fine. I don’t mind if that taxi hits us. Really. Hospitals are fun on Saturday nights,” Matt grumbled. “No one’s ever there.”
“They are indeed fun,” she replied, only half paying attention.
As they slowly walked toward the restaurant, she made eye contact with the boy in the hoodie. He paused for a moment—just a moment—and tilted his head to side. She took in the way his soft brown hair did a sort of whooshing-off-his-face thing that she quite liked. As if on cue, he ran a hand haphazardly through it and started to smile at her, looking a bit hopeful. Hopeful as to what, Celeste did not know. Most likely that his boyish good looks would charm her and that he’d bring in more customers. He had short sideburns. Wide eyes of the lightest blue. And smooth pale skin that was flushed from the chill. There was energy and freedom and kindness about him. Celeste had to admit that if the Barton event weren’t going on right now, she could be persuaded.
“Come on!” Matt yanked at her arm. “You can’t just stop walking in the middle of an intersection.”
She realized that they had crossed one street, rounded by the restaurant and were now stagnant in the crosswalk of Palmer Street, her eyes still glued to the boy. “Yes, this is unsafe. We should move.” Matt tugged at her arm. “Yes, okay.” Her voice was barely audible.
Then, in what Celeste found to be the smoothest of movements, the boy dropped to one knee, swept his arm across his body and gestured to the front door. She blushed and shook her head slightly. She turned her back to him and finished crossing the street.
But when safely on the corner across from the restaurant, Celeste dropped her arm from Matt’s and looked back. She swept one foot behind her and lowered herself evenly in a perfect curtsy. It was not a voluntary move, but more as though her body had been invaded by someone with flirting skills.
She bounced up and rushed ahead of Matt, her palm pressed to her forehead in horror. “Damn it, Matthew!”
“Oh my God, what is going on? Did you just curtsy at someone?” Matt tried to turn his head to see behind them, but she put her hand flat on the side of his face and pushed him away.
“This is your fault! Why did you refer to me as Victorian? Look what I have done! How atrocious and… and… absurd!” She stormed ahead. “You should consider yourself fortunate that I am still willing to give you a ride.”
“Will we be making the journey by horse and carriage or—”
“That is not amusing to me!”
Still, despite the moronic curtsy, Celeste felt a certain level of cheer at having seen the boy in the blue hoodie and black vest. The boy with the whooshy hair and cool sideburns.
The boy who got down on one knee for her, if only for a moment.