Chapter 14
Decisions
Teren’s moment of panic quickly subsided with our passionate lovemaking, and he fell asleep in my arms happy and content and with probably a full pint of my blood in his system. Before I followed him to slumber, his terrified face refilled my mind and his quavering words filled my heart – “I’m so scared, Emma.” I knew he was scared to die. I knew he was scared he’d hurt me. His fear was only solidifying mine. But I’d do this for him…I’d be strong for him.
Early Monday morning, he rolled over in my bed and woke me with soft kisses on my shoulder, neck and cheek, and with reluctance clear in his voice, whispered, “I have to go get ready for work,” in my ear. I smiled that he’d remembered to wake me before he left me. I sleepily watched him find his clothes in the gray-on-gray, pre-dawn light of the room. Once dressed, he leaned over me to give me a final goodbye kiss, and if he’d had the time, I would have pulled those clothes right off him again. He didn’t though, so with a small sigh, I ended our warm touch and whispered goodbye. He paused at my doorway, his black head turning back to my huddled form on the bed, and gave me a heart-stopping crooked grin.
God, I loved that man.
I couldn’t fall back asleep after he left, so I woke early and clunked around my tiny, peaches and cream bedroom. This house had been my grandmother’s house and this bedroom had been my mother’s. I slept in what was technically the second bedroom (although they were both the same size), out of respect for my long dead grandma.
My mother had had no desire to move back here after she’d passed. She greatly enjoyed sharing a two bedroom, single story home with Ashley, near the campus, but she hadn’t had the heart to sell the home she’d grown up in. It was fully paid for anyway and a good investment. When I’d finished college, she’d offered me a pretty spectacular rate on rent, since there was no way I’d just live here for free, mooching off of her, and I’d eagerly accepted the cute little home. I suppose if I ever finally moved in with Teren, Ashley would come live here…although the steep staircase was a challenge for her.
I left my simple, yet elegant, little room and walked across the hall to the main bathroom. My grandma had had a thing for lighthouses and the bathroom was done in a clearly nautical motif. We’d all found it much too cute to change, so we left the little homage to her in this room. I turned on the water for my shower and when it was warm enough, I pushed aside the curtain, depicting a cliffside with raging waters below it and a lone, stoic lighthouse atop it, and stepped inside. I sort of felt like that lighthouse, alone, and trying to be brave with my one brightly shining lamp to light the darkness, while torturous waves crashed below me.
Okay, the metaphor was a little dramatic, but I was feeling a little dramatic after our weekend. He’d really scared the piss out of me, and fighting with him like that was something I never wished to do again. But I’d won…and now he was leaving. And even though I understood the necessity of it, I hated the reality of it. There was nothing I wanted more, than for him to stay here in San Francisco with me, for us to move in together, and get me all barefoot and pregnant in his kitchen. That was what I really wanted. Not him an hour away, with me visiting for booty calls…ugh.
I shampooed, rinsed and repeated my hair, and stepped from the shower clean, if not refreshed. I suppose Teren and I still needed to talk about when he would leave and when I could visit. His being so far away, would be a challenge in the whole baby making department. We’d talked before about ways to prolong creating a baby – freeze some of his stuff or something, but we’d decided that having his vampiric DNA around curious doctors, with labs possibly running numerous sorts of tests, was just too great a risk of exposure, even for something this important. No, our way was the old-fashioned way, so “visits” were just going to be an inevitability. But I’d do it. I wasn’t about to give up on our dream, because of a little problem like geography. It was only an hour anyway. I could drive an hour nightly, to be with him.
I plugged my hairdryer into the socket, with a nightlight of a lighthouse above it, and dried my locks while my mind tumbled. I think being alone was the hardest part. There was just no one to talk over my fears with. I suppose Alanna would listen to every word I had to say, with an open but silent heart and comforting, cool arms. But conversing with Alanna probably meant conversing with Halina, and while things between us weren’t quite as strained, she wasn’t exactly someone I wanted to confess fear too.
Tracey was definitely out…she’d never want to be in my line of sight again if she knew about Teren. She’d probably never want to be in California again. She’d snatch up Hot Ben, and they’d go to Arizona or something; somewhere far more sunny, and surely vamp-deterrent, than even here.
I threw on a pencil skirt and a long-sleeved blouse (Teren’s last nibble had been on the crook of my arm, while said arm was wrapped around my back…yeah, don’t ask), and debated talking with Ashley. True, she did know Teren’s secret…sort of. She knew he was a human-vampire mix. She knew he had fangs and occasionally liked to puncture my skin. She did not know he was dying.
I sat on the edge of my bed and slipped on my shoes as I considered her reaction. She would probably take it better than I had. I was still a touch embarrassed at my emotional blowup the night he’d reluctantly told me. Considering how to tell my sister, I realized just how difficult that must have been for him. I didn’t know how Ashley would react, but I knew she’d love me no matter what. Our relationship had been so new back then, that Teren would have had no clue if I was going to walk away or not. And I almost had. I could see now, that he was right in trying to shield me from the truth of his condition. As much as I hated to admit it…if he’d told me any earlier, I would have bolted. I had to love the man first, before I could accept the truths that came with loving that man.
Finished dressing, I carefully walked down my steep steps, glancing back once at the main bedroom that was set up as a guest room. It still had grandma’s lacy quilt on the top of the bed and still smelled slightly of roses, a smell that had seemed to permeate grandma. Sometimes Ashley slept there, when she stayed over on nights she was too tired to go back to her and Mom’s place, but mostly that room was empty, the door closed. Turning back to carefully watch my high heels traverse the narrow steps, I wondered if my rose-smelling, lighthouse-loving grandma, would have accepted my situation. I smiled at the thought. She probably would…my mother was constantly telling me that I was just like her.
Another Monday morning found me facing the exact same crowd of dreary worker bees who’d rather be redoing Sunday - going to a barbeque, drinking beers on a boat in the bay, and as one guy I passed in the halls was saying, enjoying an “afternoon delight”. Everyone except for Clarice, that is. She was waiting for me, at my little square office, with a stack of papers in her hand. Her bun looked exceptionally tight this morning and her face looked exceptionally displeased. I discretely checked my watch, but I wasn’t late…I had two minutes to spare.
“Here,” she muttered, handing me the stack before I could even set my purse down. “I need all these copied within the hour.”
I looked at the six-inch stack in my hands and mentally sighed. Sometimes I thought I was crazy working here. I could be on a ranch, wiping cow poop off my boot. Right now, that sounded like so much more fun. “No problem, Clarice.”
I didn’t ask about her weekend and she didn’t ask about mine. We both knew that neither one of us really cared; just straight to work - all professionalism here.
That professionalism faded the minute Clarice waddled back to her desk and Tracey poked her head up at me. Her face was all romantic bliss, like she’d gone to sleep being lullabyed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra, and awoken in a sea of rose petals. It occurred to me, that I really had no idea how romantic Hot Ben was, and that may have indeed been her night. Although, I doubt he’d be able to get the actual London Philharmonic Orchestra…San Francisco High, maybe.
“Hey, Em, did you and Teren have a good time?” Before I could answer, she added, “God, that was great. I love camping.” Her smile got even wider and she bit her lip. “I can’t wait to go again.”
I smiled at her delighted face. I knew what she was thinking about…I knew she’d get over that rock thing. Not entirely enjoying my memories of the past few days, I smiled my best, fake smile. “Yeah, we had a great time, Trace. We’re in next time, for sure.”
She smiled happily and then ducked back down to her office to, I’m sure, draw hearts around Ben’s name. For someone who resisted falling, once she did, she fell pretty hard. A sudden wave of sadness hit me, as I thought that that may have been our last camping trip with them. It was getting late in the season to go, and Teren’s birthday was in a couple months. By next spring, he’d be a bloodsucking corpse. How exactly would we explain him not eating with us for days at a time? And what would he eat? Well, at least Tracey and I wouldn’t have to worry about bears anymore…
The rest of my work day trudged by with a slowness that matched my moody heart. By quarter to five, I decided that I needed to speak to another human being about this, or the stress was going to eat a hole in my stomach. I rang my sister and asked her to come over to my place…without Mom. She understood that that meant I wanted to talk about Teren’s “condition”, and she answered me solemnly.
Tracey pouted at me when I told her I wouldn’t be in kickboxing tonight, and Teren asked me if everything was okay, when I told him I wasn’t coming over later. I assured him I was just meeting with my sister and with a restrained sigh, he told me to tell her hello and that he’d see her tomorrow night at dinner with my family. After assuring him I loved him, I hopped into my yellow bug and drove home to wait for Ashley to come over. I still wasn’t entirely sure what to say or entirely sure how she’d take it, when I did.
About an hour later, I heard her light knock on the door and I let her in. She smiled warmly at me through her disfigured lips and I hugged her softly. She’d curled the long, brown locks on the side of her head that still had hair, and it framed that side of her face beautifully. I touched a springy lock and told her she was beautiful. She smiled politely, said thank you, and glanced over my full head of wavy hair. And as it sometimes does when I’m around her, a tidal wave of guilt assaulted me. It wasn’t as if I’d have been able to do anything for her that night, the fire had started in her room and Dad had barely gotten her out, but I’d played the “what if” game in my head, until my cheeks were drenched in tears. I tried to fight back that feeling, as I led her to the living room. Ashley didn’t like pity, and she chose to not live with regrets. I struggled daily to be the woman my sister was.
We sat on my two person sofa and I stared at the green walls of my living room. I’d tried to paint the room last year, and I’d picked out this relaxing shade of sage green. When the room was firmly coated in three layers of that relaxing green, I’d finally realized that the color didn’t quite match the version in my head, and it was more of an ‘I’m about to be sick’ green. I hated painting, and had refused to redo it, so I’d brought in cream, linen curtains and a really beautiful antique coffee table, to try and distract from the wall color. That wall color was sort of matching my insides right now, and I was a little irritated with my painting laziness.
“Are you okay, Emma? You look a little ill?” My sister put a hand softly on my leg and I looked back at her and tried to smile. I wasn’t sure if I succeeded. Her next comment made me think I didn’t. “Did you and Teren break up again?” Her eyes looked really disappointed at that prospect, which heartened me, that she might handle this better than I thought.
I shook my head. “No, we’re fine. He says hi, and he’s looking forward to seeing you and Mom tomorrow.”
She relaxed back into the sofa and smiled widely. She did really like him…maybe she’d be okay with liking a dead man? “What did you need to talk about then? It sounded pretty urgent.”
I sat back in the sofa as well and regarded her for a moment. Her half brows scrunched together as she went through a list of options in her head, as to what may be going on. I was pretty sure she wasn’t anywhere near the truth. Finally, I spoke softly to her, “Do you remember, when I told you that Teren only had so long to have children?”
Her face scrunched as far as the scars allowed, as she thought about that. “You said he’d be sterile soon.” Her face brightened momentarily. “Are you pregnant?”
I put a hand over my stomach reflexively, and swallowed back the sudden tears. “No…not yet.” She shook her head a little, still looking confused and taking a deep breath, I continued. “Teren is…” I racked my brain for another way to say it…a less harsh way. I didn’t come up with one and spilled it to her, the same way he spilled it to me. “He’s dying.”
Her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes instantly watered. I cringed that she was having the same “permanent dead” thoughts that I’d had. As she started to respond to me, I quickly added, “Just the human side of him. He’ll still be a vampire. He’ll still be walking around, and talking and joining us for meals. He just won’t be breathing or have a heartbeat or…actually be eating with us.”
Her eyes widened as far as they could and her hand dropped to her lap. “You’re gonna date a vampire.”
I grinned at her. “I am dating a vampire, Ash.”
She shook her head. “Not really…I mean, he drinks cappuccinos.”
I started laughing uncontrollably, my fear mixing with my remembered amusement, when I’d said that exact same thing to him. Confused, but entertained by me, Ashley started laughing as well. I was wiping tears from my eyes before I finally came down from my mini-high. She’d stopped laughing first and was looking at me very seriously.
“So…he can’t have children, because he’ll be dead?” I nodded and she sighed and hugged me. I melted into that embrace and savored someone finally comforting me, for what dating a vampire thrust onto my life. I know the changes were happening to him…but sometimes, I just needed someone to hug me, and say that everything was going to be okay.
Ashley patted my back and did exactly that. Tears started to form, as the next thing I had to tell her took me over. They spilled down my cheeks as Ashley pulled away from me. She wiped off a few as I brokenly told her, “He’s leaving, Ash.”
Her eyes watered again as she whispered, “What?”
I shook my head at my own dramatics and explained further, “It’s not safe for him to be around people when he…changes, so he’s going to go live at his parents’ ranch for a month or so.” More tears slid down my cheeks, as more dramatics slid from my mouth, “I’m going to miss him so much.”
She ran a hand down my shoulder. “But a baby…” She let her thought trail off and sighing, irritated at myself, I angrily brushed away my tears.
“I’m just being an overly dramatic girl,” I muttered, as her face became seriously confused again. I let out a slow, even breath, trying to rein in my emotions before I continued. “I’m going to visit him nightly at the ranch. I’ll still see him and we’re still going to try.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m just being overly emotional.”
She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me tight. “You have a lot on your plate…you’re allowed.” I relaxed into her side and relished the comfort of her closeness. She continued in a whisper, “What do you mean it’s not safe for him to be here?”
I cringed and closed my eyes, before responding to her. She probably wasn’t going to like this. “He would most likely kill someone after the change, if he was too close to a human.”
Her hand dropped off my shoulder and she scooted away to look at me. “What?” Her tone had dropped a full octave, as what I’d said flooded her thoughts. I knew she liked Teren but, well, even I had difficulty with this part of it.
I reached for her arm to try and mollify her. “It’s okay. He won’t hurt anyone. It’s just… a greater risk if he stays.”
Her eyes were wide now with panic. “Emma…you shouldn’t be around him.” Her eyes flicked down my body and I was really grateful she couldn’t see his latest feeding frenzy. “You shouldn’t let him bite you.”
She backed away from me a bit and I scooted closer to her. “He won’t hurt me, Ash, I’m safe.” Wow, in trying to reassure my sister, I was suddenly starting to sound exactly like Teren. Maybe if we both repeated that phrase often enough, it may actually start sounding true.
She stood up and put her hands on her hips. The brown hair that framed her face beautifully, was now framing an irritated face. My sister normally kept her cool, but we were sisters, and at times her temper could be a match for mine. It must be genetic. “Let me try and understand what you’re saying.” She put a hand to her forehead like she suddenly had a headache. “He is about to die…” She looked at me intently. “Like what? Have heart attack or something?” I nodded at her correct guess.
She started to walk back and forth in front of the couch. Pacing…also must be genetic. “Okay…so he’s going to have a heart attack and he isn’t going to make it. His heart will give out and what makes him like us, will die.” She looked over at me for confirmation and I nodded again, wisely keeping my mouth shut while she processed her thoughts. “Then, when he’s all cold and heartbeatless and…dead…” She stopped walking and stared at me blankly. “He’s going to rise from the grave and start ripping the throats out of innocent San Franciscoans?”
I frowned at her harsh portrait. “No…” I looked away as I considered what about that wasn’t true. Unfortunately, there was really only one part. I whispered that part. “He wouldn’t make it to a grave…we think he’ll change over within an hour.” I looked back up into her re-startled face. “Maybe less.”
She fell back down onto the sofa with me. “Oh my god, Emma…oh my god.”
I patted her knee in reassurance, both hers and mine. “We’ve fixed this. I’ve finally convinced him that I can’t get him to the ranch in time, and he’s going to spend the last couple months of his life there…around lots and lots of yummy cattle.”
She looked at me blankly. “He wanted you to take him there?”
Oops. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned his crazy plan, since we had a new one in place. I swallowed and answered slowly, “Yes…but…”
She cut me off as her voice heated. “He wanted you to drive him there? He wanted you to be alone in the car with him, when he woke up all crazed and starving?” Her face was definitely red now and she stood abruptly and made for the door.
“Where are you going?” I asked, confused.
She looked back at me with her hand on the knob. She indicated through the door to the outside. “I’m going over to his house…so I can stake him.”
I twisted my lips at her. Yeah, probably shouldn’t have mentioned that part. Her anger was practically swirling in the air now. “Would you stop it, and come here and sit back down.” She huffed for a minute and I really thought she was going to leave. I patted the seat beside me and, very grudgingly, she removed her hand from the door and returned to my side. She crossed her scarred arms over her chest and sighed heavily. I patted her knee again. “He thought he had more time, Ash. He thought he’d be out for hours, and I could get him there and get away, with plenty of time to spare.”
I looked back at the door and pictured my vamp, all alone at his house, possibly wondering if we were still okay. My lips curled into a smile as I realized that, we were okay. Everything was going to be fine. “We thought he had more time.” I looked back at her, the smile still on my lips. “But we see now, that he doesn’t have that kind of time and we’re fixing the problem. Everything will be fine, Ashley.” I ran a hand down her hair and she relaxed as she looked at me.
She cocked her head and I could see in her face that her momentary anger had dwindled back down to the calm and reasoned Ashley. “Would he really be able to resist eating you after the change…can you still date him, that way?”
I smiled and nodded. “It will only be bad when he first wakes up…then he’ll be fine. Then he’ll be my Teren again.” My voice was calm and soft and free of any trouble, like my body suddenly felt.
Ashley was still unsure. “Why when he wakes up? Shouldn’t he be less inclined to…to…eat people, after such an ordeal?”
I smiled and told her my biggest fear, aside from him killing me, of course. “His body will be starving…beyond starving, I’d say.” I put a hand on her knee and rubbed it a little, the scarring on her knee cap apparent, even through the fabric of her khaki slacks. “If he doesn’t eat right away…he will die…permanently.”
Her jaw dropped and she stared at me with a stunned expression. I looked over her face and smiled at my own remembered expression. Shocked into speechlessness is a probably a better way to handle the news than yelling at the potential in-laws. Finally, she closed her mouth and a tear filled her eye, spilling down her cheek. She hugged me fiercely. “I’m sorry, Emma…I didn’t know.”
I hugged her back, no longer needing the comfort, but greatly appreciating the sentiment. “I know, Ash…nobody knows.”
She pulled back and another tear followed the first. She put a hand to my dry cheek. “You must be so lonely…dealing with all this by yourself.”
I swallowed at that and shook my head. “Well, I’m not anymore. I have you.”
She let out a small laugh and held me again. I closed my eyes and breathed out a long exhale. Fear was so much easier to digest, when you didn’t have to do it alone. It felt so good to share…
We conversed about more mundane topics for the rest of the evening. Before leaving for the night, she gave me a swift hug at the door and told me I could call her anytime, if I needed to talk about it…and to tell her when it did happen. With moist eyes, I told her I would, and that I’d see her tomorrow for dinner with Mom.
As I watched her stumble a bit on the steps down to my driveway, I thought again about Teren changing her…and dismissed it. He was right, she was happy. Maybe someday she would bring the topic up to Teren, if it occurred to her, but it wasn’t my decision to make for her. I wasn’t the one that had to live her life. And she was living it, she was doing just fine.
Tuesday morning, I awoke from a dream about Teren changing in the middle of dinner tonight. In the dream, the change had been nearly instantaneous and he’d popped his fangs out after slumping at the table for three seconds. Then he’d smiled viciously at my mom and ripped her neck wide open, blood spurting everywhere, like some gory Tarantino film. He’d been moving on to my sister, his face dramatically streaked with Mom’s blood when I’d woken up, screaming. I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen tonight, but the dream had been terrifying, and it only reaffirmed our choice of him spending the last part of his humanity away from other humans…away from me.
With a heavy sigh, I got ready for my day. Later at work, seeing Tracey’s happy, love crazy face, only deepened my sigh. I shouldn’t be jealous of her. She had taken longer than most to get to this stage. But I’m only human, and her carefree relationship was a little grating at the moment. I was actually happy when Clarice gave me an assignment that kept me down in the records room for most of the afternoon.
By quarter to six, I was in Teren’s car, being driven to the café where my horrid dream had played out. I considered telling Teren about my dream, but when I glanced over at him and saw the tightness of his jaw, I reconsidered. Teren wasn’t looking forward to any of this, and he was probably having some bad dreams of his own. No need to add mine into the mix.
I placed my hand on his knee and smiled warmly at him. He looked over at me, gave me the softest, barest hint of a smile and laid his fingers over mine. I laced them together as his eyes drifted back to the road.
“I told Ashley you’d be leaving soon, so it could come up tonight if she told Mom anything.” I paused for a moment and then filled him in on the rest of that conversation. “I told her everything about you…about what you’re about to go through.”
He looked over at me with wider eyes after I said that. “Oh,” he whispered.
I felt him loosen our hands and I clutched him tighter. “We should talk about when you are leaving, Teren.” He said nothing, just stared at the road as we sped towards my family. “Will it be this weekend?” My voice shook a little when I said that.
Noticing my tone, he looked over at me and stroked my finger with his thumb. “No, Emma.”
I stared at him blankly as we pulled into the parking lot. “Why not, Teren? Wouldn’t sooner be better?”
He pulled into a parking space and shut the car off. With a deep, calming breath, he turned to face me and I suddenly had the awful sensation that he was going to tell me he’d changed his mind, that he was staying.
His eyes searching my face, he quietly said, “I have to finish up work, Emma. I can’t just disappear for a couple months.” He looked down at the console between us and stroked my fingers again. “I’ll give them two weeks and then I’ll take a sabbatical. I should be able to finish up a couple articles by then,” he muttered.
Not being able to take the sad look on his face, I unlaced our hands and cupped his cheek. He looked up at me morosely. “Come with me, Emma,” he whispered into the stillness of the car.
I blinked and my brows drew down in confusion. “I am going to come with you, Teren. I’ll help you get settled and visit-”
He cupped my cheek now, as he cut me off. “No, stay out there with me…stay with me.”
There was such a deep longing in his voice, that I closed my eyes for a second. I opened them when I felt his lips brush mine. He pulled back from our brief kiss with pale eyes full of need. “Please,” he whispered.
“But…my job…” That really wasn’t my argument. I just couldn’t speak the real one yet.
“You never take your vacation time…you’ve got a lot saved up. Take that.” He shrugged. “Or just quit. You hate that job anyway.” I twisted my lips at that. I didn’t hate the job…certain aspects (and dumpy bosses) maybe, but the job, no. “I don’t know, Teren…”
His hand on my cheek started caressing my face, as his eyes roamed over my features. “I need you there, Emma. I’m…I’m so…” His voice trailed off, as his anxiety choked off his speech.
I put my hand over his on my cheek and leaned into his touch. “I know, Teren. I know, baby,” I whispered.
”Then stay?”
I paused for a long time. I knew Mom and Ashley were already waiting for us, we’d parked right beside Mom’s car, and I knew that Teren was anxious about my answer, his eyes were flitting all over me, trying to gauge what I was feeling, but I didn’t really want to speak my true fear out loud. I knew I had to though.
“What if you kill me at the ranch?” I barely spoke the words and they warbled horribly.
Immediately his other hand cupped my cheek and he held my face close to his. His eyes glistened, as he answered me in a now passionate voice, “I’m incapable of hurting you, Emma.” A tear dripped to his cheek. “I will not do it.” He shook his head and then leaned in to kiss me. He pressed against me fiercely, like he was willing my lips to believe him. I wanted to…but instinct is a powerful thing to fight against…especially live or die instinct.
“Teren…” I tried again, as he pulled away and rested our heads together.
He cut me off with a sad sigh. “I’ll send you away, Emma.”
I blinked again and pulled away from his face to look at him. His eyes were still brimming and a tear brushed his other cheek. “What?”
“After I die, I’ll have Dad drive you far away from me.” He shook his head slowly and sadly. “You may not have time to get me there safely, but I will have time to get you away safely.”
“But your mom made it sound like… She sent your father away before…” I let my voice trail off, as I remembered his mother’s concerned voice.
He sighed softly. “My mother is a bit overprotective…hadn’t you noticed that?” I smiled as I considered that. He didn’t smile with me and he continued in a voice heavy with emotion, “I need you there, Emma. I need to be with you every second before…this happens.” Another tear dropped down his cheek and I brushed it away with my finger. “I need you to be there when I die.”
My voice caught in my throat as I gazed at him. I could feel my eyes getting heavy with tears of my own, and his face started to get hazier as they filled and obscured my vision. In a hoarse voice, he finished his death bed wish, “I need your face to be the last thing my human eyes see.”
My tears spilled over and I began to sob as he clutched me to his shoulder.
Ashley didn’t mention anything at dinner, when we were finally both put together enough to enter that damn café, but she eyed Teren throughout the meal, a mixed expression of sadness and wariness on her face. I thought maybe I shouldn’t mention our new, new plan, until it was time to act on it. No point in worrying her needlessly…and there was no way I was staying away from the ranch now.
There is just no possible way to turn down your boyfriend, when he asks to stare into your eyes as the lights fade from his. I really didn’t want to see it, I was sure the image would haunt me my entire life…but I couldn’t deny him it. At this point, I don’t think there was much I’d deny him.
Mom didn’t seem to notice the melancholy at the table, and stoked our conversation with witty tales of her girlfriends and her neighbor’s yappy dogs. I watched over her features as she spoke and laughed, wishing for just a moment that I could clue her in on my real situation.
Then I looked over at Ashley and saw the faint tightness around her eyes and the forced angle of her smile, and thought better of it. Sharing my stress with another family member would just be selfish. She’d gain nothing for knowing, and it would only terrify her for her daughter’s safety, if she did know. Maybe someday, when this was all over, I’d tell the warm, slightly pudgy woman across from me about the otherworldliness of my boyfriend…but not today.
We wrapped up dinner with ice cream and conversations about Ashley’s new schedule for another year at school. Her eyes lit up as she talked about her classes, and a genuine smile spread on her face when she talked about visiting the hospital where she hoped to work. She had her own life planned, her own future mapped out and, much like Teren, she was determined to see it through on her own terms. I loved them both just a little more for their fierce independent streaks.
We kissed Mom and Ash goodbye, and Teren pulled Ashley aside, whispering something in her ear. She glanced over at me while they talked and then she closed her eyes and nodded, hugging him tightly. They hugged a few moments longer than standard protocol, and I distracted my mom with small talk, so she wouldn’t notice and ask what was going on.
As Mom and Ashley got in Mom’s car and pulled away, I asked Teren what he’d said to her. He looked at me, the glow of the parking lot lights highlighting the tiredness of his eyes, and softly said, “I told her that I’d never hurt you. That I’d do anything to protect you, and she didn’t need to worry.”
He gave me a soft smile and I lightly grabbed his hand. “Come home with me.” He nodded and we went over to his car, to start our short journey to my home…before our long one, to his family’s.