CHAPTER 24
I don’t tell Sean that Cam owns the home that we are walking through, if I tell him, he will want to know how I know and I’ll have to either tell him about seeing Cam here yesterday or I’ll have to come up with another lie and I don’t want to tell him any more lies. At least that’s how I justify not telling him in my twisted, two timing, and cheating brain. Sean absolutely loves the place. I have asked Vera to let us walk through on our own; I also called her yesterday afternoon and asked her to say nothing about the owner of the house or our running into him yesterday. The hint that it could lose her a big fat commission is enough to garner her silence and we are left alone to wander through. We stand looking at the pool, hand in hand.
“What are your thoughts Georgia? I love it, it feels like home already.” I don’t know what to say, could I live here, should I even be considering this?
“I don’t know Sean; I felt like that yesterday, I’m not so sure today though.”
“Why, what’s changed?” About a million different things. What if I’m pregnant? What if it’s Cam’s baby? I’d be bringing up his child, with another man, in a home that he planned to live in with me, everything about this is all so f*cked up and wrong and it’s all my fault, I’m a monster. I suddenly become aware of a dull ache in the bottom of my belly.
“Georgia, what don’t you like today that you did yesterday?”
“I don’t know, I’m not sure, I don’t feel very well.” My head swims slightly, I feel so trapped by my own wrong doings that I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack.
“I need the toilet.” I head toward the toilet in the pool room and Sean follows me, we never close the door when we use the bathroom so I leave it open now as Sean talks about getting planning permission for a recording studio on the grounds. I pull up my skirt, pull down my knickers and see that they are full of blood. I’ve got my period, and I burst into tears. Sean gets completely the wrong idea about why I’m crying, which just goes to worsen my guilt and makes me cry harder.
“Gia, baby, please don’t cry, it’s only September, we said six months remember? Next year, that’s when we’ll be pregnant, next year, baby please, don’t cry, I hate seeing you cry.” He’s kneeling in front of me, as I sit on the toilet, in the home of the man that hasn’t made me pregnant and I don’t know if they’re tears of joy, regret, guilt or sadness.
“I love this house G, let’s put in an offer, and let’s buy this f*cker!” He’s so happy and excited, that I just blow my nose and nod yes.
***
The next few months go by in a blur, we completed on the sale of the house on the first of December but have no plans to move in until next year. I want a new kitchen and bathrooms, the place needs painting and I want new carpets in all of the bedrooms and we’re still waiting on planning permission for Sean’s studio.
We have a massive family Christmas at my Mum’s and leave all of the grandchildren with my parents on the day before New Year’s Eve and fly out with the band to New York, where they’ll be playing at a special concert in Time Square.
I’ve felt strangely off the last few days, I’ve skipped my December period and I’m hoping beyond hope that I’m pregnant, in fact, I know that I am. I know my own body, but I decide to buy myself a pregnancy test just to be sure before I pass up an opportunity to consume vast amounts of alcohol during the New Year celebrations. I take the test as soon as we get to the hotel and it’s positive. I can hardly contain myself, luckily we had to drop the boys off en route for some interviews and I’m actually sitting watching my Husband live on the television as the two blue lines appear on the stick I just weed on and as I watch him, I hatch a plan.
New York in December is freezing, we have dinner with all of the band members later that night and I get away with saying that I’m saving myself for the next night when I turn down any drinks. We have an early night, and then spend New Year’s Eve daytime, lazing at the hotel and doing some shopping. When we head back, I get a manicure, a pedicure, and have my hair and makeup done in our room. Courtesy of the television station airing the show, the boys will play a two hour long set starting at eleven thirty, get the crowd warmed up and then count the New Year in and rock them through the first few hours of the year two thousand. We arrive around nine and are interviewed by various TV stations and shows about what the new millennium means for us and we give up more than usual by admitting that we are moving into a new home and looking to start a family. I wait for the boys to start their set before I talk to the shows director and tell him what I want to do. He’s over the moon and gets the announcer on the TV broadcast to repeat to the viewers to stay tuned for a very important announcement regarding Carnage. I don’t tell Ash, I don’t tell Jim and at five to twelve when I walk on stage in between songs and stand next to my Husband, everyone seems a little confused but Sean just goes with it.
“Hey baby,” he says to me but into his mic. “This is my beautiful Wife New York City, just look at her, ain’t she just f*ckin’ gorgeous!”
The crowd goes wild and my cheeks burn despite the cold, I wrap my arms around his neck, and I kiss him like my life depends on it, making the roar from the crowd deafening. Then hand him the stick with the two little blue lines on, saying into his ear, “Happy New Year baby, we’re pregnant”.
He looks at the stick, registers the words I’ve just told him, and I watch as his mouth drops open. I nod at him. There’s a camera crew right in our face but we don’t even see it, we just have eyes for each other. Sean bursts into tears and kisses me so softly. The people at home have obviously been told what’s going on, but the crowd in front of us have no idea what’s happening. Sean moves the cameraman out of the way pulls me into his side and sobs into his mic.
“My Wife, my beautiful Gia, has just made me the happiest man alive, she’s told me people that… ” He pauses and I don’t know if it’s for effect or so that he can regain his composure. “SHE’S F*ckING PREGNANT!” he roars. The crowd roars, Jimmie, Ash and Lennon are all on the stage with us and the rest of the boys from the band, we all kiss, cry and hug and count our way down to the year 2000 and it will forever be one of the happiest moments in my life.
***
We celebrate back at the hotel into the early hours; I head off to bed around five, leaving Sean and the rest of the boys and a few other people I don’t even know, to party. I’m woken at around eight am by someone banging on the door of the suite, as I look through the spy hole, I see that it’s Milo and Dave, carrying Sean between them. I open the door and look at the state my Husband has got himself in, he is, quite literally, legless; he grins at me. “Gia, baaaby,” he tries to sing to me. “I’m sooo fappy, huck, huckin, f*ck.” He looks up at me and laughs. “You know what I mean.”
“Park him on the bed.” I stand aside so the boys can fit through. They take him through the lounge area and into the bedroom, laying him face down on the bed. The boys are both puffing and sit down for a few seconds.
“Are we gonna make the flight?” I ask them.
“F*ck knows,” they both say together, they high five at their unity and I smile.
“You two want a coffee, some food?”
“Na, we’re good thanks George, we’re all coffeed out. You might wanna try and get some down his Gregory in a coupla hours. I can’t see them getting us another flight out of here on New Year’s Day, private jet or not, so if we don’t get on this one, I reckon we’ll be stuck here for a few more days.”
I feel absolutely exhausted now and just want to get my head down before I work on getting my Husband sober. “What’s the latest we can be at the airport?”
“About four but Marley’s in an even worse state than him and Lens not much better.” I shake my head.
“We even had to carry Ash to bed.” Dave laughs.
“Well it’s gonna be a quiet flight home.” Dave nods his head.
“That’s not a bad thing. You alright George, you look a bit pasty?”
I don’t actually feel too good but I don’t know what sort of not good it is that I’m feeling, I’ve never been pregnant, perhaps this is normal. “I’m okay thanks Dave; just need some sleep I think.”
“Well don’t you go trying to lift him, just call me if you need anything and try and get your head down for a bit.” I’m touched at his concern, I thank them for returning my husband to me and tell them to go and get some sleep.
The boys leave and I pull off Sean’s chucks and undo his jeans, but I can’t get them down so I just curl up on the bed next to him and manage to get another four hours sleep. I wake up to the sound of Sean throwing up down the toilet. Well at least he woke up and didn’t do it over the side of the bed as he has done before, more than once. I get up and go and make us a coffee. I’m starving so I call room service and order us a couple of fried egg sandwiches, always the perfect hangover cure, fresh orange juice and some real coffee. Sean actually manages to eat his and half of mine. I’m still not feeling so good and don’t fancy being stuck on an eight hour flight with a funny tummy.
“You need to eat more G, I’m finally gonna get to fatten you up,” he smiles at me as he speaks; he hasn’t stopped smiling since I gave him the news about the baby.
“Not hungry right now, got a bit of a funny tummy.”
“You okay to fly?”
“Yeah, I’m fine; just don’t wanna be stuck in the toilet the whole flight, that’s all.”
As it turns out, I’m barely allowed to breathe on the flight, let alone get up and use the bathroom. Sean makes me lay back on one of the lazy boy style chairs, puts a blanket over me and tells me to sleep. Everyone else is extremely hung over and very quiet, the cabin lights are dimmed and everyone seems to go off to sleep, although I do hear the bathroom doors opening and closing and people throwing up and I really do not envy them their hangovers, although, I can’t help thinking that despite the fact that I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol, I still feel rough, my belly seems to have settled down but I have a dull ache in my side and I’m feeling a bit clammy.
Sean is snoring beside me, Ash and Marley are in the seats facing me, and Jimmie and Len across the aisle, Milo and Dave are in the front section with Billy and Tom and their wives. I press the call button and our stewardess Sara appears at my side as if by magic. Sean had told her as we got on the plane that I was pregnant and she kneels down next to me now with a look of concern on her face. We’ve travelled with Sara looking after us a few times and I’ve always liked her, unlike some of the girls, she had never openly flirted with Sean or the other boys so I had never had cause to want to punch her.
“You okay Mrs McCarthy, you look a bit pale?”
“Please call me Georgia, yeah I’m okay I think, just a bit tired, didn’t get to bed until five, we did a bit of celebrating.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I saw the New Year’s show and the way you told Mr… Sean, the news about the baby, I think the whole world must have watched that clip by now. I have to say, it even made my Husband cry, I was a blubbering mess, as I’m sure most people watching were.”
I actually get teary as she speaks. “You and Sean will make great parents. You lot are probably one of the most down to earth bands I travel with, some of them can be complete arseholes.”
Yep, I think, we’ve met a lot of them in our time. “So, what can I get you Georgia, how about a nice cup of tea and a biscuit?”
“Sounds perfect, strong, no sugar, thank you.”
By the time we are getting into the back of the limo, I’m feeling really unwell, the pain in my side is worse, much worse. I feel cold but sweaty. It’s seven in the morning, London time and I just want my bed.
“You okay George?” Jimmie asks. I decide not to lie anymore, something’s not right and I think I might need to go to the hospital or at least see a doctor.
“I actually don’t feel so good.”
The smile Sean has been wearing for the last thirty six hours vanishes from his face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He puts the back of his hand against my forehead. “Shit G, you feel really clammy.”
Jimmie feels my head and agrees and as soon as the car starts to pull away I feel sick, we pull over and I throw up at the side of the road, my head is swimming and I feel really dizzy, we get back in the car and Sean pulls me into his lap. Marley has told the driver to head to the nearest hospital, Milo is in the front with him and gives him directions, luckily we had landed at City Airport so he knew the area.
Any woman that’s ever had a period will tell you that one of their biggest fears is leakage and in the ten minutes it had taken us to get from the airport to Newham General Hospital, I knew that I was bleeding, enough for it to have leaked through my underwear to my jeans and I just knew that I was losing my baby.
The limo pulled up outside accident and emergency and Milo jumped out, telling Sean to pass me out to him, but Sean wouldn’t let me go and instead struggled out of the car while still holding me. Len had run inside and grabbed a wheelchair, but Sean wouldn’t set me down in it. Marley had run ahead and was shouting for help and I was soon being whisked through to a bed behind a curtain, where Sean still held me, sitting down with me in his lap, pulled into his chest. I was shaking violently and could feel the beads of sweat forming on my top lip and as they trickled down my spine. I think I started to lose consciousness at that stage, I could feel Sean’s arms around me, I could hear him and others call my name, but I just couldn’t get back to them.
I don’t know if it’s seconds, minutes, hours or days when I next try to open my eyes and I’m not sure how long it is that I try, before sleep pulls me under again. Then suddenly, I’m wide awake, alert and aware that I’m in a hospital room. I gaze around; I have fluids dripping through a cannula in my left hand. Sean is in a chair next to my bed, he has my right hand in both of his and his head resting on our joint hands, my mouth is dry and my throat is sore, I have a belly ache, very similar to period pain. I lay still and stay silent for a few seconds and wonder what could have happened to me. I know that my baby’s gone, I just know and I start to sob at the thought. Sean is going to be devastated, he was so happy. I try to swallow down my sobs so that I don’t wake him, but fail, he lifts his head and his eyes come up to meet mine, he’s out of his chair and on the bed holding me in a second.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob and gulp in air as I speak.
“No, no, no, Gia baby, no, it’s not your fault.”
“What happened, what went wrong?” I ask him, we are lying side by side on my hospital bed, looking right at each other. Sean wipes his nose, then he covers his mouth, trying to hide a sob, he moves it away and blows out a breath slowly.
“It was an ectopic pregnancy.” His face crumbles, while he shakes his head and sobs. “I nearly lost you G. It had ruptured, and you were bleeding internally. You went into shock, I thought you was gonna die.” His shoulders shake as his sobs wrack through his body. I try to comfort him, but he just keeps sobbing and shaking his head. “I stayed in the hotel bar getting pissed and all the time you was bleeding internally, you could have died up in that hotel room, all on your own. I was so hung over on the flight; I didn’t even notice how sick you were. It was Sara the stewardess that said you hadn’t been feeling well. I let you down G, I f*cking let you down, I’m so, so sorry.”
I was numb, I had no idea what to say to him, so we just held each other and cried for a long while, eventually Sean went back to sleep, while I laid quietly and thought about what this meant. Could I still have children? What did they do when they operated? What did they take away? The door opened and a nurse walked in, I raised my fingers to my lips, asking her to keep quiet.
“Good to see you’re awake Georgia, how are you feeling?” I shrugged and my eyes filled with tears.
“Will I still be able to have babies? Can I still get pregnant?” I asked her as she took my temperature and checked my blood pressure, I hated that she ignored my question and just carried on with what she was doing. She went down to the end of my bed and read through my notes.
“The doctor will be in to see you shortly Georgia, he will talk things through with you and your Husband.” She gives a little nod, and then tilts her head to the side. “You were very lucky, you needed four units of blood during your surgery, if you hadn’t have got here when you did, things could have been much worse. Now, try and get some sleep, I’ll be back with the doctor very soon.”
I looked right into her bright blue eyes and said, “I just lost my f*cking baby, how does that make me lucky?” Again, she ignored me and left the room, I laid my head back on my pillow and cried. I cried for my dead baby, I cried for Sean and his lost chance at fatherhood and I cried because of the guilt I felt. This was my fault; this was my punishment, punishment for cheating on Sean, punishment for being a lying, cheating, adulterous, whore of a Wife.
I was allowed home after two days, but I was to stay off my feet and do as little as possible for the next few weeks and I wasn’t to drive for the next month, for all of these reasons and the fact that I just didn’t want to be alone with Sean, I went and stayed at my parents. Sean was busy in the studio and would come and stay with me every couple of nights, he was coping in his own way, music, writing and laying down tracks for the new album were getting him through, whereas I just laid on my Mum’s sofa and then went and laid in my own bed; visitors came and went and I assured everyone that I was doing fine.
I had, it turns out, been very lucky, my fallopian tube had ruptured on my left hand side and I had bled internally for a while, my tube and ovaries on that side had to be removed but there was no reason that I couldn’t get pregnant again. There was a slim risk of another ectopic but I would be monitored closely as soon as I was to get pregnant, which we were told would be safe to do in about three months, if, we felt emotionally and physically ready.
I knew that everyone was watching me, waiting to see how I handled things, if I would withdraw the way I did after Sean and I split up, so I decided to behave in the exact opposite way that my Husband and family expected and embarked upon what I can only describe as a manic episode. As soon as I could drive, I went straight over to the new house and looked over the renovations. I worked with the interior design firm we had hired in choosing paint and fabrics, and I shopped for new furniture. We would need a lot to fill that big empty house and I bought two horses and hired a stable girl, Jess, to look after them and I did all of this alone. I didn’t consult Sean, and I didn’t ask for his input. On the nights that he came and stayed with me at my Mum’s, I virtually ignored him, feigned tiredness and went to bed early, pretending to be asleep when he joined me. I couldn’t sleep so I would sneak out of the house and drive over to our house and ride before Sean was awake and I wouldn’t return until well after I knew he would be gone.
I loved and missed him so much but I needed to go through this alone, I needed to grieve and learn to accept my guilt for what happened to my baby.
After six weeks Sean asked me when I was going to move back home, I told him I wasn’t; I wanted to be near the new house and the horses. I didn’t eat, I rarely slept and I couldn’t sit still for longer than a few minutes. I didn’t want a chance to think, I didn’t want a chance to feel, I just needed to keep busy. For everyone else, alarm bells started ringing, for me, I was just getting by the best I could. Sean let it go for another two weeks, then early one Saturday morning he turned up at my Mum’s and told me to pack my bags, we were going home and then we were going on holiday.
“I can’t, I need to look after the horses.”
“I’ve spoken to Jess, she can manage the horses, pack your bags Gia, you’re coming home with me.” I sat down on the bed in my old bedroom, he comes and sits next to me and takes my hand in his.
“I miss you baby, I want you home, I have a few things to finish up in the studio Monday then we are going away, just you and me, a week, two weeks, a month, I don’t f*cking care, I’m done sitting back and watching you trying to run away from everything.”
“I’m not running away.”
“Then what are you doing Georgia? I come over here to sleep, to be near you and you don’t touch me, you won’t let me touch you, I’m not talking about sex, I just want to hold you, I want to be held.”
I sit in silence, I have nothing to say, I’m numb, it’s the only way I know how to handle things, I’m so scared that if I let go, it will all be too much, if I let the pain out, it will overwhelm me, and I will drown in it.
“Georgia, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you don’t even cry, everyone is worried about you.”
“I’m dealing with it the best I can,” I say quietly, without looking at him.
“Well good for you, I’m glad you’re all right then. What about me? Have you even given me a second thought in all of this?” He stands up and goes over to the window and stands with his back to me and I’m unsure whether he expects an answer.
“I miss you G, I come home to that empty house and I can smell you, but you’re not there so I come here to be with you and you’re not here either, I’m lost and I’m lonely without you. I want my Wife back, I want my best friend back, I want us to get through this together.” I want to go to him, I want to hold him and breathe him in but that would bring me comfort and I don’t deserve comforting, losing our baby was my punishment for what I did with Cam and I will never forgive myself.
“I don’t know what’s worse?” Sean’s voice suddenly interrupts my thoughts. “In the hospital when you started to go into shock and I saw you convulsing on that bed, I was terrified, they took you away, they wheeled you off and I wasn’t allowed to come with you, I didn’t want to let you go, I was so scared I would never see you alive again, I thought I had lost you.” He turns around and looks at me. “But this, how you’re behaving now, shutting me out, it’s just as f*cking painful G, it hurts just as much.”
I stare blankly ahead, not daring to meet his gaze, because I know I’ll have to go to him, hold him, let him hold me, allow him to make me better.
“It was my baby too,” he suddenly roars. “I lost my f*cking baby too and while all that was going on, I thought I was losing you, you lost your baby, our baby but I thought I was losing so much more, you’re my life G, my world, my f*cking reason for existing.”
I finally force myself to look at him and my damn breaks, the anguish in his voice, in his face, his eyes, it breaks me. Once again, I had been selfish, I had lost our baby and it was a terrible thing but he had to stand by and watch as I was rushed into surgery too. He thought he might lose me, as well as the baby, the thought of him going through all of that, alone, broke me and I started to sob.
Sean comes over to the bed and kneels in front of me. “Hold me Georgia, please just hold me?” He was as broken as I was and I needed him so much, just like he needed me. We climbed back on the bed and just held each other, both of us crying quietly, like we had done on the bed in the hospital.
“You and me G, just Sean and Georgia, it always comes back to this, to us, as long as there’s an ‘us’, we can get through anything, okay?”
I look up into his beautiful brown eyes, which are dull and sad and full of tears. “I’m so sorry, I love you and I’m sorry.”
He kisses my tears away and says, “Don’t be sorry babe, just love me, that’s all I want, just love me and let me love and take care of you, let me do my job.”
His lips brush mine gently and for the first time in almost two months, desire stirs in me. Sean rolls me over onto my back and looks down at me. “I’ve missed you so much. There’s too many clothes between us G; I need to feel your skin on mine.”
I’m not sure if he’s asking permission, but I nod anyway. He pulls off his t-shirt as I undo his jeans; he pulls them down, along with his boxers as I pull off the vest I was wearing. Sean pulls down my pyjama bottoms, it’s all rushed and we are panting, then suddenly we are naked and completely still; he lays between my legs, his erection digging into my pubic bone and lower belly, our hands are at the side of my head on the mattress, our fingers laced together, his eyes are all over my face and I ache for him to be inside me. “I love you Georgia, never leave me again.”
I shake my head slightly. “Never, I love you,” I whisper.
He presses his forehead to mine. “I need to be inside you, is that okay?”
“Of course it is I want you inside me.” And I do, I want him right where he needs to be, I want his world to be perfect.
He slides inside me. “F*ck I’ve missed you; I’d almost forgotten how perfectly we fit together, how perfect you are.”
I want to cry again, I’m most definitely not perfect but right now, I will be perfect for him.
We make love gently, tenderly, Sean strokes into me slowly and when I moan and he feels my muscles start to clench he whispers, “Together baby, together.”
We stare into each other’s eyes as we both come, I sob as I come down from my high and he smiles, his lazy lopsided boy I fell in love with smile and sings, “Georgia Rae, when we made love you used to cry… You said… ” He waits for me to finish ‘our’ song.
“I love you like the stars above, I’ll love you till I die.” We smile and cry at the same time.
“There’ll be more babies G, we’ll never forget this one, never, we’ll just have to make sure that we give all the others the extra love we couldn’t show this baby.”
God I love him, I love him so much, he holds me while I cry some more and we make love again, before I pack my bags, thank my parents and drive back to Hampstead. We decide on the way to just take a week away and while we are gone, we’ll get the removal company in and move straight into the new house. ‘La Macas’ as we have christened it, a play on both our surnames.
We book a week away in the Dominican Republic, enjoying ourselves, chilling out and reconnecting so much, that we stay another week and move straight into our new home as soon as we arrive back in England and settle into our new lives in the Essex countryside.
Sean is home a lot; the album is finished and will be released at the end of April. The boys have decided they don’t need to do a massive world tour to promote it; they are big enough now that it’s not necessary. In fact pre-orders have already guaranteed it will go platinum in the first week. Interviews and TV appearances will have to be carried out though and the boys will partake in a whirlwind tour of the UK, America and Europe during the last week of April and the first two weeks of May. As much as I will miss Sean, I won’t be going to Europe or America with him, it’s too soon, too painful and we’ll only attract press attention. The press have been pretty good since news of our loss broke, we have received untold amounts of letters, cards and good wishes from around the world and I spend a lot of time reading through them while Sean is away. Many of the letters are from women who have gone through an ectopic pregnancy and have gone on to have more children with no problems at all. I reply to all of these messages, thanking the women for taking their time to reassure me that all will be fine for us in the future. I have no doubt about this anyway, no doubt at all.