chapter Twenty-Two
Peter
The Carpathia, the ship that picked up survivors from the sinking, I'd boarded as only part human. Di had covered me with a tarp and an old coat to keep the sun off me. I was so pale, it was easy to convince the other passengers that I was ill.
I'd emerged from the haze of pain and bone-crushing transformation the day we reached New York. She took me to an alley while she went and found someone for me. A drunk, wallowing in the gutter. He didn't even open his eyes when I slashed his throat apart and lapped the blood from his wounds.
She brought me another. And another until there was a pile of bodies and we had to move on. Di stayed with me and I clung to her for a week. I had nothing else to hold onto. She took me to places where I could lie naked in the sun. Those days I needed as much as I could get or else I had trouble moving. My body was still adjusting to the change. Di rarely left my side, always stroking my face and calling me dear and saying she loved me. I barely heard any of it. I did almost nothing but feed and soak in sun.
Two weeks later she brought me a street urchin. Up until then, she had brought me adults. Mostly male, mostly drunks she had fished from the street. People who didn't have a life to begin with. Who wouldn't be missed.
But then she brought a little boy with a filthy face and sooty hands, perhaps from coal dust from one of the factories. His nose ran clear liquid that he didn't bother to wipe. The boy couldn't have been more than eight or nine, and he looked at Di as if she was an angel. She smiled at him and shoved him toward me. The boy looked scared for a moment and that was it. A memory came back to me. Of my sisters, being put in the lifeboat. Saying goodbye to my mother. I pushed him away, letting my wings rip from my back. The boy fell to the ground.
“Are you an angel?” He gazed up at me with an open face and clear blue eyes. I took one more look at him, but didn't answer.
I left Di then. Turned and walked away. She did not follow me as I expected her to.
Cal found me three days later, lying in a river in upstate New York, trying to drown myself.
“That is entirely useless, you know.” I opened my eyes to look at him through the water that made his form slide and shimmer. As if he wasn't real.
“Who are you?”
“You can call me Cal.” He lay down in the river beside me. I could feel the water, but I didn't know if it was cold or not. I couldn't remember cold.
“You can't die, you know.” Di had explained to me what I was. That I would live forever. But this wasn't living. This was an existence. And I didn't want it.
“I know.”
“What is your name?”
“Peter.”
“Nice to meet you.” He was cordial, at least. “How long has it been?”
“How long has what been?”
“Since you consumed human blood.”
“I don't know.” I had lost track of days. Lost track of sun and moon and sky.
Lost, lost, lost.
“You look healthy enough. But I know a place, if you would like to come with me.”
I met his eyes, one a bright blue that was almost the color of the sky, the other a rich brown like fresh earth. “I want to die.”
“You already have.”
“I want to die again.”
“You can't.” He stood up, water dripping from the back of his perfectly-tailored suit. Someone I knew wore suits like that. My father. Yes, my father wore suits like that.
I stood up and went with him. I had no other place to go.
While we walked, he talked. He told me of the weather and the history of the area. Nothing about himself. Nothing about why he was here. Why he had found me. Why he was being nice to me.
It didn't concern me enough to ask.
I wasn't aware that I should ask. My existence had narrowed to two things.
My need for blood and sun.
I'd lost everything else in the transition. Cal reminded me how to talk again. How to form words with my mouth and carry on a conversation. We walked for miles upon miles, never seeing a human. I started talking. The words were large and hard to hold onto at first. My mouth had forgotten how to be used for anything other than a weapon.
Slowly, Cal brought me back to myself. Not my human self, but he helped me find pieces and start to put myself together. It was not easy, crafting this new person. In some ways I was a newborn, able to walk and talk, but unable to discern what things were. He showed me the world again.
Cal taught me about balance. About not interfering with humans. To take the ones society would not miss.
Di was never far from my thoughts. Her face was the only constant thing in my mind. I clung to the image of her as if it would float away and I would be lost. As much as I said I wanted to die, the actual thought of it did scare me. Perhaps not scared. I wasn't scared of anything anymore.
It was more that I would continue on in this existence as a thing. A thing that didn't do anything but exist. If was going to live, I wanted it to mean something. Even then, I thought there must have been a purpose to what happened to me. A reason for me to become what I was. A higher plan. We had always gone to church, and I had prayed every night before I went to bed.
The memories were thin, transparent things that slid from my grasp as I tried to catch hold of them. Cal told me not to worry. That they would return in time.
Time passed and Cal and I made our way from New York to Canada and back down into Minnesota. We spent our days in the sun and our nights hunting. I grew better at it, grew to love the trill of chasing, catching, feeding. My whole existence centered on that. I didn't worry about killing.
I never took a child. Only adults. Mostly men who waiting in dark alleys for girls to come buy. Or people who lived alone.
Weeks passed. I thought about Di so much that it nearly drove me mad. I never mentioned her to Cal. We never talked about things like that. I didn't meet any other noctali.
It wasn't until we met up with Di in California that I started to think something was not right. She expressed her surprise at seeing me again and was delighted with Cal. She showed no concern that we hadn't seen one another in a while. She reminded me that she loved me. I told her that I loved her back. I did. Of that one thing, I was certain. It was not a passionate love, or a romantic love. It simply was and would always be.
I started to wonder if that was it. If that would be my existence. Sun, blood and killing. Forever. One night while Di and Cal were finishing off some drifters from a railroad car, I watched from the shadows. I looked up at the sky, as if remembering it was there. My new vision made the stars so bright. One shot through the sky. A fallen star.
One of the men Di had taken moaned before she ripped his throat out. I glanced back at them. And walked away.
They let me go. At first I wondered if they would follow me. Call me to come back. But they didn't. I wandered back to New York. I found my family.
They were still in our brownstone. My mother looked thinner, but not haggard. She could never look haggard. Her face was hollow with grief. My sisters were sullen. All except little Lucy, who clutched her doll and smiled at each one of them in turn, hoping for a smile in return. There weren't many.
I put my palm to the glass, realizing that wasn't the only barrier that separated us. I could smell their blood, even though the cold windowpane. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want them, but I did.
I wanted the blood that pulsed in their skin. If given the chance, I would take them. In a cruel twist, their blood called to me more so than any I had smelled yet. It stared me in the face and I had to blink. And turn away.
I went back once or twice. Watched my mother give piano lessons, her delicate fingers dancing across the keys like little birds. Tucking my sisters into bed at night and singing them a lullaby. The sweet notes of her voice reached out to me. Pulled the memories out. I remembered more in those few visits than I had wandering around on my own. I needed them as a connection to my past. A connection to who I was, even if I wasn't that person anymore.
It was outside of the house that Viktor found me. We recognized one another, even though we had never met. My mother would have said we were kindred spirits. I thought it was simply that we shared the same mother.
He asked if they were my family. I said yes. He said that they were lovely, and that he missed his own family. His words were few, but he shared with me how difficult it was when he went back to see his own family after he had changed.
“You cannot come back. You will hurt them.”
“I know.” I knew.
He took me away. Far away. We traveled everywhere, ending up in Paris. Then he met Adele and I was on my own again. I met my other brother, Ivan, but did not see Di or Cal. The longer I was on my own, the wilder I became.
Soon, I had no qualms about killing anyone. What did it matter? Anyone who I killed had a family. Someone who would miss them. As long as my own family was safe from me, nothing else mattered. That lasted until the night of the incident with Josephine. Cal found me that time too, trying to end my existence again.
He was different this time. He was gaunt. I could tell he had not fed in a very long time. I didn't ask how he found me or how he knew. I didn't ask questions then.
“Come with me.” He took me to another river and had me lay down in it and close my eyes.
“Nothing you have done has any bearing on what you do now.” He pushed my head below the water. It was several feet deep, but clear as air. I opened my eyes and watched his liquid form above me. It was just like the first time we had met, but not quite.
“There is another way,” he said when I surfaced. The water had sloshed its way into my body. I opened my mouth and let it drain. “You do not have to kill.”
“Show me.” I did not want to kill anymore. I had lived for months not caring. I wanted to care. I was going to force myself to care.
So he brought me people who he had drugged with a simple sleeping agent. He taught me how to judge the heartbeat, how to listen to the body tell me when I had taken enough. At first, I killed more often than not. But gradually, I learned until I was able to stop after taking very little blood. Then I struck out on my own and Cal started buying houses and fixing them up. I would stay with him sometimes, with Viktor sometimes, but mostly I was on my own. I saw Di every now and then.
Always, always, she reminded me of the bind. I still loved her, but I thought of her less. She was like a little bit of light, stuck in the back of my mind. Most of the time I could forget it was there, but sometimes it would wink at me and remind me of its presence. Always there.
I told them all of it. Ava held my hand then entire time. I felt her grip tighten at certain parts. Texas covered her mouth, as if she was about to scream, but she was silent. I waited for someone to say something. For a while, the only sound was the breath and blood of the humans.
“Shut. The. Front. Door.”
Texas could always be counted on.
Ava
I had to be honest, what Peter said had shocked me. How could it not? It was different hearing about the things he had done from his own mouth. He'd always been so vague with me, simply trusting that he could say that he'd killed someone and that would be enough to get me to stay away. Obviously, that hadn't worked.
At least this time I knew he wasn't trying to shock me. Simply to show me another part of his life that I didn't know much about. How much more was there? I mean, I know that there were nearly a hundred years of him that I didn't know. That was a long time. A really long time. I knew he'd done a lot of reading, but there are a lot of hours in a day. For bloodsucking, apparently.
Tex looks horrified, but I don't think she's going to freak. I sincerely hope not.
“Thank you for telling me.” I pull myself into him, because he won't move. He's doing that thing when he gets stiller-than-still, waiting for me to give him my reaction. I try my best not to let too much go through our connection. I know he felt a flare of shock. That's not something you can really hide. But I'm doing my best. It is what it is.
I'm not going to condemn him. He's good. Much better than I am. I was the one who had kept secrets and lied and hidden things. And neglected my friends. And made my mother sick. He'd stayed away from his family to protect them. He'd given them up to save them. There wasn't anything more noble than that.
“I did not want to share it with you,” he says. There's a pause. I can feel it. “But I am glad I did.” He doesn't smile, but I don't need that. I feel him. I feel his relief that I didn't run screaming. That I know some of the worst parts of him. He already knows a lot of my worst parts. It's only fair that he shares.
“So we go see Cal.” I can't seem to get this version of Cal, Peter's version, to jive with the one I had met. But we need answers, and Peter believes Cal can get them. I had to trust him. Trust that he had a plan that I probably didn't know about. Just like last time.
“Just like that,” I say, kissing his cheek. I don't know if I can do anything more intimate. Maybe later. We have a Cal to find.
“Hold up. I think I need a moment to process this.” Tex holds up her hand.
“Maybe –” I start to say, but Tex holds her hand in front of his face.
“Shh, I'm processing.” I shut my mouth. We all sit there and wait for the cogs and wheels to turn and click in her brain. It looks like it hurts. After what seems like forever she nods.
“Okay, got it.”
“Got what?” I say.
“All that.” She waves her hands in front of Peter. I think she means his story.
“Sooo...” I wait for her to elaborate.
“When do we leave?”
“We aren't going anywhere. The only reason I'm going is because I have to.” That comes out wrong. I look at Peter. I don't want him thinking being Claimed is a burden. Ever. “That's not what I meant.” He blinks once.
“I know.” He leans forward to place a kiss on my forehead. The skin he touches with his lips tingles after the contact is broken.
“Hello? When are we leaving?”
“You're not going anywhere,” I snap. What is up with her. We shouldn't have done this here. This was why I was worried about telling her things. Because she was one of those people who jumped into the pool with both feet. Only this time the pool was filled with creatures who could suck all of her blood out of her body without even blinking.
“Oh come on. Don't give me that. I'm totally going.”
Just as it's about to get heated, there's a knock at the door.
“Viktor is here,” Peter says.
“That's kind of creepy,” Tex tells him as she prances to open the door, fluffing her hair before swinging it open and putting on her sexy face. Typical. Totally typical.
Without so much as a hello, he says, “Tex, you cannot go.” Thank you, Viktor. Tex looks at him as if he's going to say, “just kidding,” but he doesn't. It takes her a second to recover.
“Nice to see you too.” She runs her hand through her hair. It's supposed to be alluring or something. We'd read that in a magazine once.
I'm not shocked that he's here. He seems to show up whenever he's needed. Like a superhero.
“You are not going.”
“Oh come on. You'll protect me.” She gives him that smile that's supposed to melt his heart. It would take a little bit more than that, Tex. Not that Viktor is cruel, but he's just a hard nut to crack.
“The answer is no,” Viktor and I say at the same time. Looks like we have more in common than I thought.
“Why?” She asks Viktor.
“Because you don't willingly go onto the dragon's lair if you don't have to.”
“But we're going to see a friend of a friend. What could be more harmless than a little visit?”
“You weren't there the last time.” I fight the urge to rub my arms to get rid of the goosebumps that pop up when I remember it. “Sorry.” I glance at Peter. I know I don't offend him, but I'm always worried that I'm going to offend him. You think I'd learn.
“You must stop saying you are sorry. Nothing you could say would ever offend me.”
“I know that.”
Tex makes a sound of impatience. “Once again, when are we leaving?”
“You're not going!” I stand up and storm out of the house. I can't deal with her anymore. We need to go, find Cal, get what we need and then we can figure out what's going to happen now.
I try to slam the front door behind me, but someone catches it. Peter. He closes it softly behind him. I don't know what Viktor's doing with Tex, but I need a breather. I'm still a little woozy from the fainting.
“She's impossible.” I pace over to the car. The driver's side door is lying in the driveway where Peter tossed it. That's going to take some explaining. Or a lot of explaining.
I stand there and stare at the the door. It makes that side of my car look naked. Even the poor door has been ripped away from where it belonged. It's just one more thing that's broken, needing to be fixed. My knees fold like origami and I sink to the driveway.
“What am I going to do about my car? I can't drive it without a door.” I gesture helplessly to the mutilated metal. That's when the tears start. I can't help it. I'm sitting there in Tex's driveway, crying about my stupid car door.
“Shh,” Peter says, coming down to hold me. But I don't want him to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. It's not.
“My car's broken and Tex is going to get her blood sucked out and I don't trust your creepy friend and I'm afraid you're going to be mean to me again.” I'm crying and whining and can't stop myself. Peter sits with me in the driveway until I've gotten it all out of my system.
And then I'm pissed. Pissed at this whole situation and how complicated it is.
“Oh for the love of god, just let her come. If she gets her blood sucked out, that's her fault.” I hear a little squee of delight behind me. I look over Peter's shoulder and see Tex doing a little victory dance while Viktor looks on. The expression on his face is so priceless that I laugh through my tears. I'm still crying, despite my change in attitude.
“But first, what the hell are we going to do about my car?”
“I think I can help with that,” Viktor says.
****
So apparently, it's easy as pie re-attaching a car door. Viktor goes into mechanic mode, which I have never seen, but is different from his normal un-loquacious self. He tells me about the bolts and lining things up and all sorts of stuff I don't understand. He vanishes into the woods and is back mere minutes later with all the tools. He has Peter hold the door while he puts the new bolts on. Then he shuts it and opens it a few times. Well now.
“Wow,” Tex says. She's been leaning on the car hood the whole time, her chin in her hands, a rapt expression on her face. Oh please. She's giddy that I caved and am letting her walk into a potential death trap. I'm so not happy about it, but I figure if Viktor comes, we'll have two noctali against one, and he can't hurt me, so the odds are in our favor. And I'm assuming Peter has a plan. I just wish he'd share it with me.
“Tex,” I say, doing that thing she does to me, snapping my fingers in front of her face to get her attention. She just gives me a withering look and goes back to staring at Viktor, who is bending over to check all the bolts. Sweet Jesus.
“I love a man who knows his way around a car,” she sighs. I really don't thinks he gets the gravity of this situation. Even after everything Peter said and she'd had her little 'process' time, she was back to her old boy-chasing self. Noctalis-chasing self, now. Viktor seems immune to her comments. Which is probably a good thing.
“So when are we going?” she says.
“Soon. I don't really know how this is going to work.” I hadn't thought of the logistics. I mean, Peter can carry me when he flies, but what about Viktor and Tex?
“Like this.” Without further ado, Viktor picks Tex up and slings her on his back. She squeals and wraps her legs around him, piggyback style. She blushes furiously as I stare at both of them.
“It is simple really.”
“You can run like that?” It doesn't look very comfortable. She's basically like a human backpack. I know he's strong and all, but I really don't think that he can hold her like that.
“Yes.” He seems confident.
“Try it,” I say. I kind of want to see it.
“We will have to go someplace more private.”
“There.” Tex points from Viktor's back to the tiny clearing behind her house. It's surrounded by trees, and blocked from the view of the neighbors by her house and garage. He walks with her on his back at human speed back around the house.
Her hair mixes with his. The color is not that different, picking up bits of sunlight and glinting like gold. When I stand back and look at the situation with no bias, they are quite lovely together.
Tex has always been a pretty girl, but the confidence that shines from her makes her more than just pretty. Sometimes I'd wished I could bottle it and make it into a body spray to use on myself. She was the kind of girl who wore a tiny skirt every day and worked it. I could do the same thing, and I would look like a freak. As evident with the night I wore the gold dress.
I look at Peter and he takes my hand as we stroll to the backyard.
“I know he can help us. He has helped me before.”
“You were the one who helped you. He just gave you a nudge in the right direction. I just don't trust him. And I know you're up to something, even though you won't tell me what it is.”
“Can we agree to disagree?” I look up at him, the sun streaming down upon him like it was meant to. Like the sun was made just for his illumination. I push his stubborn hair from his eyes so I could see them. I knew if I asked him to cut it, he would. If he weren't so damn beautiful, he wouldn't get away with half this crap.
“Sure.”
By the time we make it to the clearing, Viktor's doing laps with Tex, her delighted shrieks filling the air. Her hair streams out behind her like a slip of gold silk. Guess he can run with her.
Viktor puts the brakes on about two feet in front of me, kicking up a cloud of dust. Tex has her face buried in his shoulder. Viktor has a lot of shoulder available.
“Guess you can. How you holding up, Tex?”
“That,” she says, picking her head up and looking at me with sparkling eyes, “was amazing.” She doesn't seem to want to let go.
“How are your arms?”
“Fine.”
“If you get tired, let me know. I can carry you in front.” With that he reaches back, takes her arms and does some sort of acrobatic move from Cirque de Soleil and suddenly she's tucked in his arms.
“Wow,” she breathes out again. Seriously, wow. Those Russians know what's up.
“So we need to talk logistics,” I say, interrupting Tex's adoring gaze. Viktor's looking at her, too, but I can't read his face yet. Those noctali are so hard to read.
“I will fly with you and Viktor will follow with Texas.”
“It's Tex,” she says automatically.
“Anyway... Do we have a contingency plan. You know, in case of she-who-we-must-not-speak-of?” I give Peter a smile. Too bad I'm not wearing the green dress. Then I'd get it out of him.
“Viktor and I have prepared for such an incident.” Oh have they? Seems like Peter can share his plans with Viktor and not me. I try to bottle my oncoming freak out.
“What about Ivan?”
“I do not foresee him as a problem.”
“Yeah, that's probably why he showed up at my house unannounced.”
“Whatever he has planned, visiting Cal would not interfere with it.”
“How do you know?”
“Ivan wants us to think that he isn't up to anything.”
“But we know he is. He's always up to something.” Even I knew that.
“True.”
“So basically we're going to do nothing.”
“Yes.” Brilliant. That is so not the plan. The real plan is secret.
“I thought you were going to tell me.”
“I am sorry,” Peter says, tucking some hair behind my ear. At least he does look a little sorry.
“Sounds good to me,” Tex says, still staring at Viktor as if her eyes are glued to him. I want to do that snappy thing again, but she might slap me, and then I would want to kill her and that would get us nowhere.