What If

“It’s okay,” he said soothingly as his arms wrapped around me. One hand began moving up and down my back in a calming way.

After a minute… okay, maybe two, I lifted my face from his chest and looked up at his strikingly handsome face. He was clearly my age, but there was something that hinted at maturity too. I pulled away, and he dropped his arms to his sides and watched my every move. I wiped at my cheeks.

“I’m sorry for that.” I gestured to his body.

“It’s not a problem. Are you alright?” he wondered.

My arms crossed under my chest as I nodded up and down. “Thanks to you. He was going to…” I couldn’t get the words out.

“Yeah, he was going to. He’s not going to come near you again though. If he does, I’ll kill him.” He said this like a promise.

I smiled up at him shyly. “I think I should know your name so that I know who I’m giving an alibi to when the cops come looking for you.”

He smiled, but it was weak like mine. We were both still worked up from the situation that went down only a few moments ago.

“I’m Arrow Donovan. You?”

“Briar Kelly.”

He smiled.

I smiled.

And that’s when I knew: I was a goner.



Arrow and I talked for hours at that party. We laughed; we flirted. We ended up on the worn carpet floor in a dimly lit bedroom. We were lying down, facing one another, his right arm perched on top of my hip, the scent of his skin and the strong tobacco on his breath taking over my senses.

At the time, this seemed risqué. I was young and in like with a bad boy at my new school. I remember wondering if he was going to kiss me and whether I was ready to let him go to second base. But we didn’t kiss. We talked about everything - from our distancing relationship with our parents, to our lack of siblings, our worst and best memories, and which classes we were taking.

I fell asleep tucked comfortably into his warm chest, the fingers on his right hand rubbing gently back and forth over my shirt at my waist.

I wish I could go back to that moment, make myself stay awake and not allow sleep to take over. If only I would’ve stayed awake… the scene that I awoke to wouldn’t have become my ugly reality for the next few years.

Arrow was no longer lying next to me. The room felt emptier, colder than before without Arrow there with me. Twenty minutes passed since my eyes closed. I stood up and made my way out to the living room where the party was still taking place. In a circle, on the floor, everyone was seated and playing truth or dare. I watched in horror as Arrow was dared to kiss my friend Darcy. Darcy gave Arrow her come-hither look, and he gave her that sly smile I’d grown so fond of in such a short amount of time. Then Darcy was in his lap and giving him the kiss of a lifetime.

I felt physically ill. Darcy wasn’t a bad friend. She had no idea of the crush I had on Arrow. If she did, she never would’ve done this; she wouldn’t hurt me like that. But it wasn’t Darcy who really hurt me. It was Arrow kissing her back with a fierceness I’d imagined he’d kiss me with.





After that night, I took on the title “best friend” with Arrow. We passed notes back and forth to each other in between classes. Numerous inside jokes were formed on those small, torn pieces of loose-leaf paper, folded in strange ways or crumbled to look like trash so teachers wouldn’t know they were notes. We’d draw stupid pictures, make fun of people who pissed us off, and sometimes, well sometimes it felt like we flirted.

After that first party, Arrow and Darcy started dating. Their relationship was passionate. They were so physically drawn to one another that when they were near each other, it was like nobody else existed. They’d kiss in the middle of the hallway and ignore the Dean when he chastised and warned them of the consequences. More often than not, I’d curse them underneath my breath and pray that they’d end up in detention until they swore they wouldn’t show affection in school. Seeing them together like this after school was bad enough.

At the beginning it was awkward. I was that third wheel that no one ever wants to be. Especially when you’ve fallen pretty hard for your friend’s boyfriend and that boyfriend only considered you to be his best friend. Imagine the horror when I walked in on Darcy on top of him after only a few months of them dating. She was clearly naked and moving up and down on his lower half. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they were doing. I cried myself to sleep that night. That was also the first night Arrow didn’t call me.

That horrible scene kicked my senses back to reality. Seeing just how far Arrow and Darcy had gone together was further proof that it was time for me to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and glue them back together as best as I could. It was time for me to find my own life and not focus on what I would never have.

I started dating Kai a few months later. He’d already been hanging out with us at lunch and sometimes after school. Once we started dating, he intermingled into our group easily. The awkward threesome became a tightly knit foursome.

Kai’s and my relationship was good for a little while. He made me laugh constantly at the early stages, when butterflies take over your stomach and your throat hurts from talking so long at night. Those were good times.

My relationship with Arrow still had strange moments. One time when Kai and Darcy were busy, Arrow and I decided to hang out and listen to music at his house. Every so often my phone would go off and I’d quickly swipe my finger across the screen to see what Kai had texted. After the tenth or eleventh “ding,” Arrow seemed visibly agitated.

“If you don’t want to be here, I can have my mom drive you home.” His brows were furrowed and his eyes slit as he glared down at me.

I shifted my legs out from underneath me on his bed and stretched them out. I purposefully kicked his side in the process. His hand wrapped around my ankle and placed it down next to him. He didn’t let go.

“Why? It’s just Kai.” My words slightly stuttered out of my mouth as I zeroed in on the pressure of his fingers against my skin.

“Well it seems Kai is preoccupying your time even when he’s not here,” he grumbled out.

“Stop being so whiny. It’s not my fault Darcy’s too busy to text you.”

“I’m not being whiny. I think it’s rude that while we’re trying to spend time together, I can’t even have your full attention for five damn minutes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was unaware that there were rules for when we hang out,” I said sarcastically, adding an eye roll. I tried kicking his hand off of my ankle by jerking my leg towards me. He only pulled harder, causing my butt to scoot along the bed and closer to him.

With his free hand, he grabbed the phone out of mine, turned it off, and shoved it into his front pocket before I could get to it.

“Come on, Arrow. Give it back!”

“Come and get it.” His eyes dared me to. I gasped and turned pink when I looked down at his lap. He chuckled at me. “You can have it back when you go home.” He seemed overly proud of himself, but I was too chicken shit to reach into his pocket. That would be so close to a certain piece of Arrow I really shouldn’t be close to.

Alone time with Arrow didn’t happen very often, especially after that night. I felt too awkward. His constant teasing and flirting always got the best of me, and I knew if I continued to spend time with him without our other friends I’d end up doing or saying something that would cross a line. I couldn’t do that to him, Kai, or Darcy.