Racing for Freedom

chapter Six





“Tell me what happened?” Payton whispers, coming to sit beside me.

I’m still deep in memory land and struggle to pull myself out of it. Slade’s painful words that night grip my heart and tear me to pieces. I don’t want you, I don’t want you. I’ll never live it down. I’ll never forgive him or myself for that night.

“It’s a long story.” I finally say.

“I’ve got all night.”

I close my eyes. “I was eighteen, he was twenty. We had been friends for so long and oh Payton, I loved him. He was my sunshine. He was everything I wanted to be and more. Back then, he was beautiful. We both raced, but the competition was never there, you know? It didn’t matter who won or lost. It started changing about four months before my mum died. He started growing distant, started racing to win and not caring about how that made me feel. I still loved him though, oh, I still loved him. I thought it was just a stage. One night, I went to my first party and I knew he was going to be there. I was so excited. I wanted it to be the perfect night. I was young, immature and I was sure I could get him to sleep with me. Part of my childish brain thought if I could get him to be with me, then he would remember why he cared and come back to me, he’d been so distant.”

I stop talking and cover my face, shame rising in my cheeks as I remember that night.

“Keep going honey,” Payton soothes.

“Well, I got to the party and he was there. He was with this girl, and he was all over her, letting her touch him. I tried to get his attention, but he just didn’t notice me, so I started dancing with anyone I could find. He finally noticed and pulled me outside. I…I begged him to sleep with me, I begged like a little child. It was so awful. He told me not to, he told me to stop, heck, he said no, but I pushed and I pushed until we had sex, right there against a fence.”

I close my eyes again, my cheeks burn with shame. Payton takes my hand and just lets me have a moment.

“I went home, ashamed, hurt, wondering what I did wrong. Wondering why he pushed me away like that. I got home and my parents weren’t back from their dinner, so I lay on the couch and I waited for them. In the morning my father walked through the door and his eyes were so red, I’ve never seen such red eyes. He told my mum died that night. I was out with Slade, begging to be f*cked and my mother was dying. I never got to say goodbye. If I had have stayed home, we would have had dinner in and…”

Payton wraps her arm around me and holds me tightly. Rocking me even though I’m not crying. She makes a pained sound and pulls back, staring down at me. “You never told me.”

“What was there to say? I blamed myself for my own mother’s death and then Slade…”

“Oh honey, it wasn’t your fault. You were just a girl, looking for something from a boy she loved. Your parents went out…bad things happen honey. It couldn’t have been prevented.”

“If I stayed home…”

“Do you think they wouldn’t have gone out anyway?”

I close my eyes and they burn, oh god they burn.

“I know,” I whisper.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Slade?”

“It was complicated.”

“I’m so sorry Dash, I can’t imagine how that must feel.”

“He was my best friend, I met him when I was just thirteen. We played in the cars and spent weekends at the track together, our parents never even knew. I loved him.”

“I wish I could say something to make it better…”

“Payton?”

I hear Dean coming down the beach and I take a deep breath. I can’t ruin this for her. She doesn’t deserve to have her night ruined because of me. I stand and force a smile.

“You two go back to the party, I’m going to head home.”

“How will you get there?”

“I’ll catch a cab.”

“Are you sure?” Payton asks.

“I’ve been drinking, it’s safest.”

“Ok honey, take care.”

“Thanks for tonight, sorry I couldn’t be more fun.”

“No problems Dash, don’t worry about it.” Dean smiles.

I say goodbye and head up to the road. I dial for a cab and then sit on a nearby bus stop and wait. I see Slade come out of the house just as my cab pulls up. He notices me and calls my name. Oh no, we are not talking about this, or going over anything more. He’s humiliated me enough. I stare at him and I know he can see the pain in my eyes. I get into the cab and direct the driver to my house. I don’t look at Slade as we go past, I just turn my head to the side and stare into the darkness.