Playing Patience

Twelve

Patience



Zeke ended up being right about the jerk at the club. No sooner than I got back to the bar with Megan, he was trying to get me to go outside with him and give him a blow job. Sick bastard. I spent the rest of the show next to the stage, but not because Zeke told me to. I did it because I couldn’t peel Megan’s drunken ass away from Chet for five minutes.

Once the show was done, the guys packed up the stuff and we all walked out to the cars. Like Zeke had said she would, Megan literally fell into Chet’s car so I told her goodnight and went to stand next to Zeke’s car. I wasn’t happy about Megan getting too drunk to drive. I was planning on staying at her house since my sister was staying at her friend’s house for the night.

Now I was going to have to go home, and I could only hope I wouldn’t be bothered tonight. Chances were, since Sydney wasn’t home, my dad would come to my room tonight. Just thinking about it made my stomach turn.

When Zeke came over to his car, he said nothing to me as he pulled open the driver’s side door and jumped in. Once he cranked up his loud engine, I pulled open the car door and got in too. He sat and talked to Finn a minute about something I didn’t understand. It was almost as if they were talking in code. They were talking about selling the loud and getting the green. I assumed they were talking about music and making money playing. I never did understand the different kind of slang that bounced around.

Once we were on the way out of Mount Pleasant, he leaned down and turned on the radio. I watched the mile markers on the interstate as we passed them and counted down the time I had before I was back home in hell. I didn’t want to go home. I’d go anywhere. I didn’t care where it was if it meant staying away from home tonight. My dad would come to my room. He’d smell the alcohol on my breath, see the makeup on my face, and I wasn’t afraid to admit to myself that I was scared of him. He was changing. It was never innocent, what he was doing to me, but ever since I got arrested, he’d been vicious about it.

“You look deep in thought. What’s on your mind?” Zeke asked from across the car.

I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking, even though I wanted to. I knew in the back of my head I could trust Zeke. I knew I could tell him my secrets. He thought I was a privileged rich girl and while I did come from a rich family, my life had been just as hard as the people in his world. I wanted to tell him that. For some reason it meant a lot to me that he know I was never more myself than when I was with him. I needed him to know that Patience, the soccer playing governor’s daughter, was just an act, but the girl I was when I was just hanging out with him… that was the real me.

But as much as I wanted to spill my guts and free myself, I knew I couldn’t. Not just because of what Zeke might think, but because I had my mother and sister to worry about. If Zeke did spill the beans and tell, it wouldn’t be long until rumors about the governor started to circulate and make its way back to my house, to my mom.

“Nothing much. I’m just thinking about stuff.” I turned in my seat toward him. “Let’s go somewhere, anywhere. I don’t care where you take me. I just don’t want to go home yet.”

He looked over at me with his signature grin. His eyes filled with laughter.

“It’s after midnight. I’m pretty sure your dad’s already going to kill you,” he said as he switched hands on the steering wheel.

“Then I guess I better enjoy my last few hours alive, shouldn’t I?”

Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was how comfortable I felt with Zeke, but I was actually flirting. The words even sounded flirty when they came out. He looked over at me with a serious look on his face and then he shook his head.

“Don’t do that, snowflake.”

“Do what?” I asked.

“You’re flirting with me. I’m sure it’s the alcohol talking, but I’m no different from the guys at the bar. If anything, I’m worse.”

“What if I think you’re different?”

“Then you’re more naïve than I originally thought.”

We were rapidly approaching my house and I was running out of time to convince him to take me somewhere else, but I couldn’t think of a place for him to take me or a reason why I didn’t want to go home that sounded legit.

When we pulled into my neighborhood and I saw we were passing huge houses, I started to freak out. It wasn’t going to be good and I kept remembering what it felt like to be slung against the kitchen table and treated like less than nothing. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. If I had to sleep next to the pool in my backyard I would, but I wasn’t going in my house with these clothes on and alcohol on my breath. I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to say something.

“Please,” I said as calmly as possible. “Please don’t take me home, Zeke. I’ll go anywhere, anywhere but there.”

He looked over at me with a strange expression on his face, and then he pulled his car over on to the side of the road.

“What’s the deal? Why are you so afraid to go home? You can tell me anything, you know.”

I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the conversation and all I wanted was to get out of his car and away from my house.

“Just forget it. I’ll find somewhere to go.” I popped the door open and turned to get out.

His warm hand wrapped around my arm as he stopped me.

“Get back in here. You can crash at my place as long as you promise to be quiet. My dad will shit a brick if he sees me bring a girl home and I promise you my dad makes your dad look like a saint.”

He turned the car around and headed toward his house. If only he knew. My dad was definitely not a saint, and I’d face anybody or anything in his trailer park if it meant staying away from home for the night.

Twenty minutes later, we pulled into his yard. The lights in his trailer were out and I was finding it hard to maneuver my way to the trailer door. He reached out and grabbed my hand as we crept up the rickety steps. He put a finger to his lips, telling me to be quiet, as he softly popped open his trailer door. The smell that welcomed me could only be described as foul and the small space felt suffocating.

The light above the stove in the kitchen lit a small area through the living room and made it possible for me to see there was no one in the living room anywhere. Zeke closed the door behind us, locked it, and then ushered me down a long, dark hallway.

“Be careful of the floor right here,” he whispered into the dark.

He pulled me through a doorway and then he shut the door behind us and flicked on a dim light. His room was small, but organized. There was a small twin-size bed, a weight bench, and a dresser that looked like the only thing holding it up was the clothes in the drawers. He went to his closet and pulled out a blanket and started laying it on the floor. I sat on his bed and unzipped my boots. Once I pulled them off, I stuck them in the corner and crawled onto the pallet that he made on the floor.

“No. I’ll sleep down there. You sleep in the bed,” he said.

Then he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it in the corner. He filled the small space to begin with, but once his chest was naked he somehow felt bigger. I took in his tattoos and wondered to myself what he would do if I got a closer look. I watched from the floor as he unbuckled his belt and pulled it off. He did this as he kicked off his boots. His eyes never left mine.

I didn’t think he would, but he pulled his jeans down, revealing a pair of black boxers with guitars all over them. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.

“More guitars?” I asked.

“Yes, more guitars.” He mocked me. “Do you want a T-shirt and some shorts?

The thought of sleeping in Zeke’s clothes warmed me and I shook my head yes.

He went over to his dresser, pulled out a black T-shirt and a pair of gray boxers, and then tossed them to me.

“I won’t peek,” he said as he dropped to the pallet of blankets on the floor and attempted to get comfortable on his back.

“Why can’t I just go in the bathroom?”

“You might wake up my dad.”

“Oh, okay. You promise you won’t peek?”

I didn’t really mind the idea of him seeing me naked and that freaked me out a little.

“If I wanted to see you naked, then I’d just get you naked.” He yawned and threw his arm across his eyes.

There was no way I could respond to that. It bothered me that he didn’t want to see me naked, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to try and get me naked. I could say all day that he wouldn’t be able to get me out of my clothes, but something told me I’d eat those words if he ever tried.

I turned my back to him and peeled off my top. I thanked every god I could think of that I’d worn a bra even though Megan swore I didn’t need one. I snatched up the shirt and pulled it over my head. I peeked behind me to see his arm still over his eyes, so I unbuttoned my jeans and pushed them down. They were tight, so tight I couldn’t get them off as fast I wanted. Once they were down around my ankles, I bent over and pulled them off. Zeke’s boxers slid over my panties as I threw them on like I was dressing for a fire.

The shirt almost reached my knees when I tugged on it. I turned quickly to turn off the light and ran right into Zeke. Staring at his naked chest, I sucked in a deep breath. When I exhaled, I could feel my heated breath against my cheeks as it reflected off of his skin. I was so close, too close. My usual reaction would have been to jerk away immediately, but my palms landed on his hard pecks and they stayed there as if they’d melted into his hot flesh—not because I was feeling him up, but because I was so shocked by being this close to a naked man and it not being a tragedy.

I should’ve been appalled. I should’ve been thoroughly disgusted given my history with the opposite sex, but I was none of those things. Just like in his car when he touched my leg, my body buzzed and hummed and physically I wanted to mold myself to him and swim in his warmth. However, the mentally disturbed parts of me were still present and making themselves known in the back of my mind.

I felt his heartbeat racing beneath my palm. Looking up at him through my lashes, I was struck once again by how handsome he was. He peered down at me with his steely gaze that I was now accustomed to and the air around us crackled and popped. I knew I needed to say something or do something, but my legs felt boneless and I couldn’t seem to find my voice. When I finally did, I said the first thing that popped in my head.

“You promised.” It was barely a whisper.

My body tensed against my will when I felt his hands slide up my sides. The corner of his mouth tilted up and his small smile tugged at his lip ring. His dark eyes could see inside me. I was almost positive of that and it freaked me out more than him touching me.

I held my breath as he leaned his face closer to mine. Technically, I’d never been kissed and secretly I was hoping Zeke would be my first kiss, but instead of pressing his lips to mine, he brought his mouth to my ear.

“I told you I was a bad guy. You can’t trust guys like me.” His deep voice worked its way down the back of my neck, leaving goose bumps along the way.

He told me before that I shouldn’t trust him, but the funny part was that I did. I don’t know why I did; I just did.

“I trust you.” My voice sounded foreign to me, like I had something stuck in the back of my throat.

“If you knew what I was thinking you wouldn’t. My mind is filthy. I’m not sure you could handle it.”

He was right. I probably couldn’t handle it, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to know what the hell he was thinking.

“I can.” My voice shook like a scared little girl’s.

“Is that so?” he asked as he nuzzled my neck.

I started to get jittery. My insides were shaking so hard and I couldn’t decide if it was from fear or excitement.

“Remember the other day in my car, when you told me you’d let me do things?” His tongue flicked over my ear lobe and I let a soft hiss slip through my teeth.

“Uh-huh.” It sounded childish, but it was all I was capable of saying.

The room suddenly felt smaller and hotter. A rush of warmth spread throughout my body and I could feel my pulse in my temples my heart was beating so fast and hard. I breathed in through my nose and took in the scent of his heated skin. He smelled amazing, like men’s cologne and fresh laundry.

He surprised me with a soft kiss to the side of my neck and I split right down the center. The top half of me wanted to run out into the cool night air and jog home, but the bottom half of me wanted to fade into him and become one.

“You let me hold your hand. What else will you let me do, snowflake?”

I used to hate it when he called me snowflake, but now I was beginning to think she was who I really was. There was Patience, the governor’s daughter, and then there was Snowflake, the girl who was starting to melt in Zeke’s very capable hands. Given the choice of who I’d want to be for the rest of my days, I’d choose Snowflake every time.

A soft noise pushed past my moist lips and I felt him smile against the side of my neck. His breath shifted the hair that hung against my cheek and it made me shiver even more. Everything in me trembled as my insides began to push at my seams. The healthy girl deep within me wanted to be free. She wanted to explore all the dark corners of Zeke, but the scarred me, the one who’d been broken down beyond belief was still holding her back.

“Will you let me do this?” he asked as he slipped his hands down my sides and brought them around my backside.

I stiffened for just a second as a tiny hint of panic seeped in, but the minute he started drawing lazy circles on the back of my thighs with a single finger, I squashed that panic and let pleasure take its place. A tiny murmur came from deep within me and he softly growled his approval against my ear.

“And what about this? Will you let me do this?” he asked as he brought his hands up and slipped them into the back of my boxer shorts. He filled his large hands with my ass and gave it a soft squeeze.

Only my thin pair of cotton panties kept his hands from touching my heated skin. My breathing increased and my heartbeat sped up.

His hands moved down, taking the boxer shorts with them, and I didn’t stop the shorts when they slid down my legs and around my ankles. He brought his hands around to my stomach and ran his finger along the top of my panty line and pelvic bone.

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to move my hand lower?” I felt his breath against my cheek as he moved his head down and kissed my collar bone.

I didn’t respond. Instead, my body took over and I pressed my pelvic area against his hand.

“Yeah, you want me to move my hand down. You want me to touch you here, don’t you?” His hand left my body for a brief second, and then I felt a fiery finger trace a path over the top of my panties right over the most sensitive parts of me.

My body jerked on its own accord, and I couldn’t stop the noises that slipped over my tongue. I’d never experienced anything like this. In my life, when someone touched your personal areas, it was disturbing and sick, but when Zeke touched me, it was soft and life-altering in a whole new way.

“Tell me what you want, Patience,” he said sweetly against my cheek.

And just like that, I no longer hated the sound of my name. The way he said it was so personal. After being called a nickname by a person so much, when they finally called you by your actual name, it had an emotional feel to it. It held a strange sense of finality, as if he’d somehow just given in to me.

His eyes connected with mine as he dipped the tip of his finger under the band of my panties and ran it back and forth across my pelvic bones. He worked a new finger inside my panties, until finally his hand was cupping me. He wasn’t moving his fingers, but just the pressure from the heel of his hand was almost enough for me.

I tilted my head back, my eyes closed, and my mouth opened on a wordless sigh.

“Please tell me what you want, baby.” His words were all around me.

My body got another rush of chills and my shoulders began to shake. When I finally spoke, my voice trembled with my body. “I don’t know.”

He was asking me what I wanted, but I didn’t know. I wasn’t like most girls who read about sex or even experimented with it. To me, it had always been a despicable act of injustice upon me, but this wasn’t like that. He was feeling me out before he touched me. He was making sure I was comfortable with his hands before he moved them. It was as if he knew my fear and understood it, and because of his understanding, I was able to enjoy touch for the first time in my life.

He took a deep breath and his chest trembled, letting me know he wasn’t as unaffected as he looked. “Can I touch you?” he asked.

There was more? I thought for sure this was the height of my sexual peak, but I guess I was wrong.

“You’re already touching me.” My voice sounded deeper, more seductive, and I celebrated that. Maybe I was changing before his eyes, because I felt as if I were. I was experiencing a mental transformation and I was almost certain that transformation was reflected on my outside as well.

“No, can I touch you?” With his question, he let a single finger press up against a part of me that had never been touched. My body came alive and the sensitive nub that had never been so sensitive before started to throb against his finger.

I swallowed loudly and I lost control of myself. All the strength in my body went away and I was worried that my knees would buckle and I’d topple to the floor. I gave in and collapsed against his chest. Little puffs of air blew back into my face as I began to softly pant against his skin. His chest rose and fell with a rhythm that I understood well. Coincidently, it was close to the same rhythm his finger was beginning to use as he pressed harder against my hot spot and began a circular motion.

I was going to pass out. Except this time it wasn’t from fear; it was from raw pleasure. My breathing became erratic and I was now digging my fingers into his shoulders. My body was so tight it felt as if it about to snap, and something, although I had no idea what it was, was just beyond the horizon. It was there, waiting to consume my body and ready to erase every dark memory I stored.

The slide of his finger against my body was so erotic. I had no idea my body was even capable of getting wet, but he’d somehow made it happen. Every one of my five senses were heightened and I found myself participating in a ritual as old as time as my hips started to move with his rhythm.

There was an ache, much sweeter than the one that had been sitting on my chest for the last ten years of my life, and I was positive this new ache I was experiencing would help soothe the old one just a little. My body seemed to be ascending in some manner. I was rising, yet my feet were still planted firmly on the floor.

“Please, Zeke,” I croaked.

I didn’t know what I was asking him, but I knew he had the answer.

“That’s it, baby. You’re almost there,” I heard him say in the distance.

I leaned my head back farther and I felt him nuzzle my chin. I heard someone whispering his name over and over again, but I couldn’t have been me. No way would I do such a thing, but he confirmed it.

“I love it when you say my name. You’re whispering it now, but that’s about to change.”

I felt the bed against my back as he laid me down. That should’ve been the part where I started to freak out, but I didn’t. Whatever he was offering, I wanted it. Anything to make the ache in my lower stomach go away. It started to spread all over and my body felt like it was being reborn. He was the cure for my ache. He knew it and now I knew it.

His finger stopped its movement and it was on the tip of my tongue to beg him to keep going. He fit his body between my legs and rested on his forearm. He was hovering above me and his face was so close to mine, yet he never kissed me. I wanted him to kiss me. I needed to feel his mouth against mine. Our bodies were practically connected in every other place. It made sense for us to kiss.

I was about to lean up and kiss him, but he buried his head in the space between my shoulder and my neck. His breathing matched my own and it made me feel good knowing he was as affected as me. And then he thrust his hips and I felt his hardness press against the outside of my panties. The warm ache suddenly turned cold and everything in me froze. Shards of my internal ice poked me everywhere and made my skin feel prickly. The room felt too small, his body too heavy, and I couldn’t breathe. No matter how hard I tried to suck in a breath, my lungs had seized their movement.

I was a sick girl, sicker than I ever really understood. I was psychologically destroyed. How could a person go from being so into something to scared to death of the one person who made her feel safe in a matter of seconds? It was possible; I was proof it was possible. My body went from being in a hazy, pleasurable state to tense and anxious. My fight-or-flight reflexes kicked in against my will and I wanted to run.

He was breathing hard, thrusting against me, and whispering something, but all I heard was the rhythm of my headboard at home. That damn beat would stay with me forever. I didn’t know I was crying until I felt my warm tears rush into the hairline at my temples.

He must’ve felt the change in me because he looked up into my face. Everything stopped and he stared down at me in confusion. He reached up and ran his thumb beneath my eye as if to see if my tears were real, and then he opened his mouth to say something, but a loud door shutting on the other side of his trailer stopped his words. I’d never seen a guy move so fast. He jumped up and went for the light switch. He flicked it, turning the light off and leaving me in darkness. I wanted to crawl into a shadowed corner and disappear forever.

He stuffed the boxers I was wearing into my hand.

“Put these back on and be very quiet,” he whispered into the room.

I pulled his boxers on over my panties and sat back down. I assumed the reason he wanted me quiet was so his dad didn’t know he had a girl in his room. Zeke was older, but maybe it was one of his dad’s rules or something. Either way, I silently said a thank you to Zeke’s dad for interrupting what was about to be a very uncomfortable moment. I didn’t want to answer any questions. I didn’t want to explain my sudden mood change. There really was only one explanation for it and there was no way I could’ve made up a lie that quick.

We sat in dark silence as his dad moved around. We heard water running and cabinets closing until finally the front door opened and closed. Zeke remained silent until his dad’s loud truck cranked up outside and pulled away.

Once his dad was gone, we sat in silence next to each other on the bed for another minute before he stood up. He looked down at me, a streetlight from outside his window cutting a path across his face. His expression was stern and he looked angry. I felt bad for leading him on, but it wasn’t like I did it on purpose.

“Goodnight,” he said as he turned away and got on the floor.

I peeled back the covers on his bed and climbed in.

“Goodnight,” I responded.

I was the queen of silent crying and I cried myself to sleep.