It’s weird trying to avoid eye contact with Stenton throughout dinner. I can’t look at him, don’t want to become entranced and start my usual befuddlement over my checkered relationship with him. I struggle with so much guilt when it comes to my son’s father. I don’t want Jordan feeling the effects of the grievance I’ve developed over the years for his father. Stenton is an excellent dad. Any child would be fortunate to call him Daddy. I’m all too blessed that my child has that benefit, but it is that connection to him that makes my life so perplexing.
And the way that I can see from the corner of my eyes Stenton gazing at me longingly, as he always does, never fails to hurl me into the bowels of confusion and resentment that I’ve lived with for far too long. The state of bewilderment has been a mainstay as far as Stenton is concerned. The resentment and bitterness I feel for him is a new sentiment. It’s caused a shifting in me, changing the core of my optimistic being.
“So, no more Ariana, huhn?” Stenton asks Jordan.
With a bashful smile, Jordan shakes his head.
“What are you going to do when you hit first grade in September? You’re going to have to upgrade your G to get the older girls, man. Are you up to it?” Stenton continues to goad.
I watch raptly as Jordan tries to swallow his food, keen to reply. I’m not fond of the idea of my six year old having a girlfriend, but his dad seems to get a kick out of it, so I entertain it.
“You know I’mma make it do what it do, big dawg,” Jordan quips. Stenton’s head rolls back in laughter. Laughter that lightened the hold in my chest. I can tell he was inciting Jordan for just that type of response.
“Excuse me?” I demand.
“Mommy,” he cries, now sounding more his age. “You know I’m gonna do all my school work first.”
“That’s right because it’s books before…” Stenton prompts Jordan’s completion.
“Babes!” I can tell this is a mantra his dad has also been coaching him on.
My phone goes off. It’s a text from an employee, calling out of work tomorrow.
“Is it time to go?” Why does Stenton have to pierce me with those eyes? It frustrates and excites me at the same time.
My eyes swing back down to my phone, and as I reply to the text, I respond to Stenton without the eye contact I know he prefers. “No. It’s work.”
“Good,” Stenton replies smoothly.
“Oooh, Mommy, you wanna come with us to the Gameroom?”
I drop my phone in my lap and glance over at Jordan. Now, this is too much. I’ve agreed to dinner, not date night with Stenton Rogers. It had been sometime since we’d all gone out as a family. Years ago, we’d take exotic vacations together regularly. I had to put a stop to that.
“Honey, it’s really late and Mommy doesn’t do well with a whole bunch of kids running around in one room. You know that.”
“We actually have the place to ourselves. I wanted to be sure to hit up the spot with him since I had to run right after the last game. We’re calling it the end of the season celebration,” Stenton provides with his eyes penetrating me. “Right, JR?”
“Yeah, Mommy. Just come. We’re going to have mad fun!”
Stenton is trying to set me up. He knows Jordan wants me with him tonight. I feel uneasy. But when I hear Jordan talk with missing teeth, distorting the sounds of his words, I have to consider it. By all accounts, Jordan is a well-rounded kid in spite of being raised by parents in two separate households. He’s an only child and I think that fact is the cause of his extreme maturity. His father only treats him as a child when he’s disciplining Jordan and giving him some golden nuggets of life. Outside of that, these two are like best buds. I struggle with being the witch of a mom. I want Jordan to be surrounded by love.
“Okay,” I acquiesce.