Good God. The woman hit them with a hearing joke, within a minute of meeting them, completely unafraid.
Needless to say, we all head to the alley out back, and jump in gigantic puddles while the rain pours down, until we are soaked to the bone.
When we head inside for hot pizza, Hazel says, 揑 guess I still got to splash around with my friends today after all.?She beams up at me.
Hazel had her first cold when she was just a few weeks old. Suffice it to say she was pissed about it. She抎 screamed and cried endlessly梘reat big tears that only led to her being stuffier. I was terrified, alone, and utterly clueless. So, like any good twenty-six-year-old man, I called my mom. 揗om, I don抰 know if I can do this.?
揧ou can, Meyer. Keep her elevated. Let her drink as much as she wants, whenever she wants?and have you tried a bath? If the rest of the cord has fallen off all the way, you can try a bath.?
I checked her belly, peeling her off of me just enough to see. I couldn抰 set her down long enough to dress her without her screaming, since my clumsy, shaking hands made the process last way too long. Even diaper changes required bracing.
I drove out and bought her a baby bath, as she screamed the entire way to, in, and from the store. The moment I set her in it, against the little bouncy chair, her eyes went wide, and her lips pursed. She hiccuped, and kicked her legs, splashing, finally happy.
She抯 always been a water baby.
揇id I hear Lance call you Farley earlier??I say to Jones when Haze goes back to the table with her friends.
揧ou did. It抯 my name.?
揧our name is Farley? You some scion descendant of a comedy dynasty or something??
She laughs bitterly. 揘ope. Just a family name. The only family I have left hates this,?she gestures to the club, her finger whipping around in a circle.
She pivots on a heel and goes back to the girls, naturally taking them through what feels like a set that was designed for them, without the unnecessary theatrics behind it. She doesn抰 stand up, doesn抰 use a mic (which is good since it would be pointless in ASL), just makes it feel like conversation over pizza, but has them all giggling and snorting uncontrollably. She pokes plenty of fun at me, at Lance. She jumps up and leaves for a second before running back in and presenting something to Hazel. As she takes it in her palms, Farley signs, 揑t抯 a tattoo. Now you can say you got a tattoo for your birthday.?
I feel my eyebrows pinch together. 揘o tattoos!?I call. Farley ignores me, and since Hazel isn抰 facing me, she抯 not privy to my objections. Farley looks at me and grins, eyes twinkling even from a distance.
As her hair dries, I notice that it抯 got quite a bit of red in it.
She brings Hazel to the sink at the bar and applies the temporary tattoo on the back of her hand, while I look on, trying to settle the strange feelings muddling in my chest.
Hazel runs over to show the other girls, the tattoo making her smile and flourish her hands as she signs. The manner that she holds her hands and twirls them makes something heavy catch in my throat. She clearly feels proud, and pretty?Even more special for the way that she communicates in this moment. I抦 actually jealous that I didn抰 think to do it first.
Farley finds a bowl of cherries behind the bar and starts eating them one by one.
揑 think this party is a hit after all,?she says.
揟hank you.?I clear my throat. 揧ou saved it. I抣l, um桰抣l make sure Lance gives you your mic time tonight.?
She frowns and sets down the bowl of cherries. 揑 didn抰 do any of this just to make you do that.?
揑 know. But now I抦 genuinely curious. I抣l come back and watch your set later.?
She eyes me suspiciously, chewing, before her face breaks into a huge smile.
She extends a hand for me to shake. 揑抳e got a funny feeling this is the start of something great.?
NOW
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.?- Lily Tomlin
FARLEY
揂 beer,?I announce in a panic to the waiter.
揂 beer, Jones? You抳e never ordered a beer in your life,?Meyer says, exasperated.
I抦 so worked up that I can抰 seem to think of any other drink in existence, though.
揗iss, what kind of beer??the waiter asks, patiently.
揙h. Alcoholic, please.?
揓esus, please excuse her. She抣l take whatever sugary lemon drop thing you serve,?Meyer says. The waiter nods and scurries away. I grimace when Meyer squints at me.
揧ou mind telling me what抯 got you so spooked? I抣l remind you that the last time you drank some of my beer you said it tasted like something that was fermented inside of a belly button,?he says with thinly veiled worry.
揂lright.?I sigh. 揑 guess it抯 only fair to prepare you before Kara and Clay get here.?I take a few breaths and spot our waiter returning with our drinks. 揙h, good. One sec.?
Mine hits the table, and I promptly toss it back.
When I reach for Meyer抯 beer next, he lays his palm over mine, gently flattening it to the table to stop me.
揓ones, whatever it is, it抯 okay. If they抮e offering you something that requires you leaving?me卭r whatever, and you want to take it?Don抰 feel bad about it. Whatever it is, I promise you, I抣l support it.?
He doesn抰 meet my eyes, though. Just keeps his gaze fixed on our hands.
揟hey want us to date,?I blurt, and now his eyes snap up to mine. The band that keeps his expression tightly wound appears to have snapped, his eyes wide and searching.
揊or PR. Kara wants me to go on tour and open for her and Shauna Cooper, but they want us to beef up some publicity beforehand. Kara has SNL, and Shauna is dating the sports ball guy.?
揟he three-time Super Bowl champion, Fee.?
揧ep, that one.?
My breathing becomes audible, and Meyer seems to suddenly realize that his hand still lays over mine, a moment before he snaps it back.
揥hy would they think that anyone would be interested in us? We抮e already together all the time,?he asks.
揥ell, I gather that it抯 you who抯 the real allure. Just like when we got all those comments on Instagram from people assuming you were writing my jokes,?I say and his face pinches, remembering. 揃efore I took the one picture of the two of us down, of course. And I imagine that curiosity will grow when they announce the tour and their opener. Your name attached to mine?publicly?will be good, and I guess they want to play off that. I桰 don抰 really know how it will all play out, Meyer, honestly. Kara barely told me the idea before she asked us to meet here.?
揝he doesn抰 think I抦 too old for you??he sneers, his lip curling. It抯 a gut-punch.
揟en years is hardly scandalous, Meyer.?Maybe he thinks I act too young for him.
His only response is a snort. His expression grows furious.
揧ou don抰 have to do this,?I whisper.
His frown only grows in intensity. 揘either do you, Fee.?
I want to curl in on myself, noting the apparent disgust on his face. He is disgusted that I would ask him to do this with me.
揊ee. You don抰 have to do this because your talent speaks for itself. It should be enough. I抦 fucking pissed that anyone would insinuate otherwise.?
Oh.
Kara and Clay arrive then, sliding into the booth with the smooth confidence that comes with knowing you抮e expected, knowing you抮e important. The waiter immediately pops over and takes their drink order. He sure is quick and attentive, I observe. And then, over his shoulder, I notice two other waiters hovering by the bar, one of them raising his phone to snap a picture of us.
揝o, did Farley give you an overview on what I presented her with??Kara asks Meyer, before she takes off her bright red frames and begins cleaning them on her Biggie Smalls t-shirt.
揝he did,?he says, jaw rolling.
揂nd??she asks.
揂nd I think it sounds like pandering bullshit. We both know she is good and that you want her. She doesn抰 need to do this. And frankly, I think it抯 beneath you to even ask her to.?
I jerk back at the deadly tone he抯 taken. While I can appreciate the protectiveness and the strong moral stance he抯 taking, I reject the judgment implied. If it helps us achieve the hype we undoubtedly deserve, then who is he to judge us?
I have my reasons for my initial hesitation, but half the battle in this field is getting your name out there, gaining a following. And unfortunately, women still have extra hills to climb when it comes to stand-up. He抯 a man. How dare he hold me to some arbitrary code when he抯 got no clue?
Publicity stunts, as a rule, aren抰 limited to women, either. I may not have been privy to the fact that these stunts might include pairing up for show, but I do know that, at least. Plenty of men do it without catching an ounce of flack for it. It抯 business.