I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results and it was a brain tumor and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty four hours of waiting to find out if I had brain cancer or not.
I wanted to handle it graciously, not just for me but for Braden and Mum and Clark and Hannah and Declan. I wanted to handle it graciously for Joss, knowing it would be difficult for her. However, her reaction…
A tear slid down my cheek as I thought on her reaction only a few hours ago. I’d watched the panic in her face and then she just… shut down. She just left me. When I needed her the most, she just… left me.
Braden was furious and panicking about me and about her and trying not to. His anxiety was making me worse so I told him to go and speak to Mum and Clark. Understanding I needed just a little time to myself he gave me it.
I couldn’t think of the worst. I wouldn’t be like Joss. I mean, I wanted to be prepared but I wasn’t a pessimist. And surely, I was too young to… You never think something like this will happen to you. It feels like a dream, it’s so surreal, like you’re watching someone else’s life play out in a movie.
My phone rang and I turned my head on my pillow to eye it on my bedside table.
Adam Calling.
I breathed through the tightness in my chest and reached for the phone. Since I landed in the hospital ten days ago, Adam had reneged on his unspoken promise to stay out of my life.
He called me every day and came by the flat as much as he felt I’d let him get away with it.
Too exhausted to fight him, I did let him get away with it.
“Hullo,” I answered and even I could tell I didn’t sound like myself.
There was a crackle down the line as he let out a heavy sigh. “Braden just called.”
I tensed, hearing the roughness in Adam’s voice, the choked brokenness in his tone.
“Yeah.”
“God, Ellie,” he groaned as if in agony. “Sweetheart—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me, and I bit my lip to try and stem the flow of tears. As soon as I felt I could speak without crying, I continued, “We don’t know anything yet.”
“I know I need to come to you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“No, don’t,” my voice was sharp as I sat up, my heart pounding at the thought of having him here to hold me through this. “I don’t want you to.”
“Fuck, Els.”
I winced at the hurt in his voice. “Please, Adam.”
“I need to. I need to be with you. I love you, Ellie. I’m fucking in love you.”
He was crying.
I’d never heard or seen him cry before. At his tears and outright confession I started to cry too and collapsed back on my pillow, squeezing the phone tight to my ear. Finally I whispered, “Just stay on the line with me, okay.”
Adam cleared his throat, his voice breaking as he replied, “Anything, baby.”
I sighed and snuggled deeper against my phone. “We don’t know anything,” I repeated.
“It could be nothing,” he added.
“Whatever it is, I’m going to fight.”
“I’ll fight with you.”
“Ssh,” I hushed him softly. “No promises. Not like this.”
“I’m done wasting time, Els.”
I smiled sadly, too weary to go there. “Just waste a little more time for me. Please.”
He was a silent a while and then he replied quietly, “Only a little, baby. Only a little.”
***
Adam’s phone bill would be ridiculous but I doubted he cared. He stayed on the phone with me for two hours and we hardly spoke. I just listened to him breathe as he listened to me breathe. We finally hung up when Braden returned, but Adam refused to let me say the words goodbye and it was the first time I heard undiluted fear in his voice when he begged me not to say that word.
It was a lot. It was huge. But it was one thing for him to admit to me again that he loved me and an entirely different thing for him to admit that to Braden. I needed to get through this crisis before I could deal with me and Adam.
I watched television with Braden for a while, snuggled up into his side as he stroked my hair soothingly. Mum and Clark had gotten into a huge fight with him because they wanted to come to me but Braden insisted there was nothing they could do right now and while I was stuck in limbo it would be best if I had peace and quiet and didn’t have to worry about how they were coping with this. I appreciated it but I also gave them a quick call so they could hear my voice and I could ask them to take me to my appointment the next day. They were okay at first but then suddenly Clark had to say a quick goodbye when Mum started to sob.
Of course that set me off for a while, and then I calmed, and then as it got darker outside and the evening began to pass, the fear over what I’d hear tomorrow hit me.
Braden laid me back on my bed and curled my hand around a mug of hot water and whiskey. He sat on my bed as I drank it and he watched me until my eyes finally fluttered closed.