I nod. “I like Allie a lot, despite the massive crush she has on my husband.”
“A crush, huh? She has good taste.” He winks at me and tilts his head back to take a drink. I watch the column of his throat as he swallows, the ripple of scotch sliding to his chest.
“She does, indeed,” I murmur.
Heat simmers through me, though I tamp it down because Dean and I need to talk first. I occupy myself with cleaning the living room and give him an hour or so to wind down before we have dinner.
As I spoon out a portion of seasoned rice, I glance across the table at him. “So I gave Dr. Nolan a call.”
A frown creases his forehead. “About what?”
“My period being late. Just because I’m usually so regular.”
“Did she think it was a reason for concern?”
“No. She said to keep track of my cycles and let her know if the irregularity continues. She said she could put me on birth control pills to regulate them, if it becomes an issue.”
“The pills made you sick, remember?”
“Yeah, well, I… I was wondering if maybe you wanted to give it a go without any birth control at all.”
That didn’t come out quite the way I’d expected.
My heart is pounding hard as Dean looks up. That shutter descends over his face again, like a transparent shield that allows me to look at him without really seeing him. My insides twist.
“You want to try and have a baby?” he asks.
I haven’t even explicitly asked myself that question yet. I poke at a grain of rice.
“Liv.”
“I don’t know,” I admit.
“If you don’t want to use birth control, you should know.”
Of course he’s right. Silence stretches taut between us.
“Liv.” Dean reaches across the table and tilts my head up to look at him. “You told me before we got married that you didn’t want children.”
“That means I can’t change my mind?”
“Have you?”
“I don’t know.” For some inexplicable reason, tears spring to my eyes. I push away from the table and stalk to the living room, tension coiling through me. “What if I did?”
“Then we’d have a lot to discuss.” Dean follows me and stops in the doorway, his gaze level. “Is this all because your period was late?”
“It’s not all because of that.”
“Then what?”
“I just want to talk about it.” I turn to face him. “Haven’t you thought this might be a good time to consider starting a family?”
“No, because we’d never intended to have children.”
“But we’ve been married for three years, we’re settled here for the foreseeable future, you’re financially secure, you have a tenure-track job, and I—”
My voice breaks like a dry twig. I… what?
“You what?” Dean asks.
His question is low and quiet. I look at the floor.
I’d be a good mother? My doubts about my abilities are just one of the reasons I’ve never wanted children. I spent most of my own childhood yielding to my beautiful, self-centered mother, who was anything but nurturing.
“I was just thinking about it,” I mutter.
“Because you’re looking for something to do?”
I’m so shocked by this question that I can only stare at him. I can’t even speak. He continues looking at me, and worse than the actual words is the fact that he doesn’t try to apologize or take the question back—not that that would do any good.
“I’m…” My throat tightens. I force the words past the constriction. “That’s what you think?”
“I’m asking if that’s what you think.”
“No! No, of course not.” I can’t stop the rush of tears, the ache spreading through my entire being. “God, Dean, you think I brought up the idea of a baby just to give me something to do? What the hell?”
“You’ve never mentioned it before, Liv,” he says gently, but with annoying reason. “And I know you’ve been at loose ends, that you—”
“So I must think of a baby as a hobby? Something to pass the time in between soap operas and grocery shopping?” Anger erupts in me and I stride across the room to shove him in the chest. “I might not have an illustrious academic career, but I’m not an airhead, dammit. I’ve been thinking about a baby because I fucking love you and I thought we had a good life, and it’d be something we could go through, you know, together—”
“Liv, you don’t go through having a baby. There’s no end to it.”
“I meant…” What the hell did I mean?
I take a breath. “Look, we’ve gone through a lot already, right? You and I? But we’re happy now. Secure. Isn’t this the next logical step?”
Dean shakes his head. “Liv, I don’t think of having a baby as a step in some process. A baby would change everything, change us, forever. If that’s what you want, then yes, we need to talk. But stopping birth control and leaving things up to chance is a lousy way of going about it.”
Of course he’s right again. That makes it no easier for me to contend with this sudden tangle of emotions.
“Liv, you need to be sure about what you want and why you want it,” Dean says, his voice softening as he approaches me. “But there’s no hurry. The timing’s bad anyway.”
“Why is the timing bad?”
“I just started this job.”