Affirmation

“Get the fuck out,” Matt yells at me. “I don’t want to hear this.”


I sidestep around the other side of his desk to buy myself time. “Tough titties, you chicken shit pansy. You’re going to listen. Cal sort of woke up, and Marissa was in bed with him… giving him a blow job. He tried to push her off at first, but he admits… he didn’t try hard. He was drunk and didn’t have much control. She climbed on top of him, Matt. He let it happen, for a while. Then he came to his senses a bit and stopped it. I mean, the act had still been done… but he stopped it.”

I expect Matt to yell at me again or advance on me further, but he just closes his eyes as if he’s in pain and his head hangs down low. I keep going before he tries to stop me again.

“If you’re honest with yourself, Matt, you know it’s true. He didn’t make the move. Otherwise, why would he have been the one to confess it to you? He came to you to let you know, and you never even gave him a chance to explain. You beat the crap out of him and kicked him out of your life, without even giving him a chance.”

Matt turns away from me, walking back behind his desk. I decide to let him hear the last of my mind, and then it’s over.

“I’m not justifying what he did, Matt. Cal doesn’t try to do that either. He was wrong, and he knows it. But he did not instigate it and, although he was weak at first, he did stop it. But you already know that’s true, because I understand Marissa wasn’t stingy with her charms.”

Out of breath and out of stamina, I watch Matt as he stares out the window over downtown Manhattan. His shoulders are hunched, and he looks defeated.

I turn and walk to the door, but before I leave, I swing back around. “I only told you this, Matt, because your pain and bitterness are holding you back. I only wanted to show you that it might be a little easier to forgive Cal than you originally thought. Carrying that bitterness is not good. It’s already turned you into someone that is destined to lead a lonely life, because you can’t let it go. That’s fine… that’s your choice. But remember this… you teach Gabe by example. What is he learning from watching you? What are you teaching him about love and forgiveness?”

Matt doesn’t respond. He just stares out the window, and it’s clear he has nothing to say. Unfortunately, neither do I. I said my piece, and it’s time to move on.

Opening the door, I walk out, hoping that Macy is at home with a huge carton of ice cream for me. I’m feeling a massive, crying meltdown coming on.





I’m slogging through every workday at Connover and Crown, and it’s getting harder and harder to get through it because I’m depressed. I watch the clock constantly, waiting for it to be 5:30 PM so I can go home. I don’t work late at the office anymore, preferring to work from home instead.

Anything to avoid seeing Matt.

It’s been a week since we broke up. This past weekend was brutal. I spent countless hours obsessing over whether I did the right thing, or if I should have given Matt more time and patience. Now I obsess over whether I have already been replaced by another numerical match through One Night Only. I pull my phone out time and again with the intent to call him, or even to send a short text, just to see how he’s doing.

But my common sense always prevails. I’m no dummy, and I’m not one to keep attempting the futile. My gut tells me that Matt doesn’t have it in him for anything further, and it’s time for me to move on.

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